Ivy Fatigue

| CA, USA | Related | March 9, 2012

(I am a high school senior talking to my father about college applications. It’s February, so decisions are just starting to come in.)

Dad: “My friends are all so excited about your college applications. They keep asking me to post things on Facebook so they know where you get in.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice—”

Dad: “These are the same friends who went to MIT, Princeton, Yale…”


Corton Hears A ‘Huh?’

| Chiang Mai, Thailand | Related | March 9, 2012

(I’m in the kitchen making myself some lunch. My dad walks in and places his forehead on the back of my neck.)

Dad: *in a robotic voice* “Greetings, from Corton.”

Me: *laughs* “What was that? Corton?”

(I move to other side of the kitchen.)

Dad: *follows me* “Corton has a message to deliver.”

(He puts his forehead to mine and is silent for a moment before standing up straight again.)

Dad: “Does the receiver have a response to the message?”

(I hug him, thinking that that’s what he’s after.)

Dad: “Corton does not recognize this form of communication.”

Me: *laughs* “You’re so weird.”

Feels Like Tagalo(n)g

| London, England, UK | Related | March 8, 2012

(I am a Londoner married to a Filipino woman. We have been married a few years and I have learnt the names and looks of most Filipino foods. I am attending one of her many family gatherings, and I am impressing her grandmother with my knowledge of the dishes on display.)

Me: “This is adobo, right?”

Grandmother: “That’s right! You like adobo?”

Me: “It’s my favorite. And this is pancit.”

Grandmother: “Yes, that’s my favorite.”

(I continue to name some more dishes, and then find one I do not recognise. It looks like a layer of brown, fried food but I cannot identify it.)

Me: “This looks new, what is this?”

(The grandmother looks at me strangely. My wife nudges me in the side.)

Wife: “That’s lasagna, babe.”

Me: “Lasagna?”

Wife: *devilish smile* “It’s for the white people.”

(I look around the room.)

Me: “I’m the only white person here.”

Grandmother: “Then I hope you like lasagna.”

L’oréal Has A Lot To Answer For

| London, England, UK | Related | March 8, 2012

(I have come upstairs to find my three-year-old daughter applying make up from my wife’s make-up cabinet. Needless to say, she looks like a clown, and has made a veritable mess all over the place.)

Me: “And just what do you think you are doing, young lady?”

Daughter: “Applying make-up, silly!”

Me: “And why?”

Daughter: *without skipping a beat* “Because I’m worth it.”

Not Enough Love Is A Sign Of The Times

| UT, USA | Related | March 8, 2012

(My sister is trying to teach my two-year-old nephew some basic American Sign Language (ASL). He uses words like ‘please’ and ‘banana’ mostly, but I applaud the effort. I, meanwhile, am a 31-year-old who is trying to become conversational in ASL.)

Me: *to my nephew* “Do you know how to say ‘I love you?’”

Nephew: “No.”

Me: “Here.”

(I show him the I, L, Y sign that is shorthand for I love you. He can’t do it.)

Sister: “What day is it?”

Nephew: “SUNDAY!”

Me: *also signing* “No, it’s not Sunday. It’s…”

(I do the sign for Friday, which is the letter f moved in a circle.)

Nephew: *after a long, confused pause* “I love you, too?”

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