Mom: “When you were a baby, you were very quiet. You hardly made a sound.”
Me: “Mmm.”
Mom: “The only time you cried was when you wanted a tomato from the market.”
Me: “Really?”
Mom: “Yes. So because you were so quiet, I always teased you until you cried. So I could hear your voice.”
Me: “…okay?”
(I’ve recently come out as transgendered to almost my whole family, and spend very little time as a boy anymore except for work. My father calls me to tell me he won’t be home on the weekend, so not to bother coming around to visit. He has been very apprehensive about breaking the news to my grandmother.)
Dad: “You know, you could always go see your grandmother instead.”
Me: “What, and blow her mind?”
Dad: “I told her.”
Me: “Yeah, and what did she say?”
Dad: “Oh, you know, ‘kids will do what they do’.”
Me: “I think I’ll just wait until I can visit with you instead.”
Dad: “Just do it, you weak p****!”
Me: “It only took you, what, four months to tell her?”
Dad: “What was that? You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you; you’ll have to speak louder!”
Me: “You’re going through a tunnel too, right?”
Dad: “Smart-a**!”
(I’m on the phone with my dad. He is talking about the dog.)
Dad: “I could film him and put it on YouTube!”
Me: “YouTube? How do you know about YouTube?”
Dad: “I dated it once.”
(I’m about six years old. I’m lying on the floor under the dining table. My dad is telling jokes.)
Dad: “What has four wheels and flies?
Me: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “A dustcart.”
(I find this mildly amusing and laugh a bit. Dad has another go.)
Dad: “What has two legs and flies?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “A man’s pair of trousers.”
(I find this absolutely hysterical, and start howling with laughter. I am rolling around under the table, until I manage to knock myself unconscious on one of the table legs. Forty five years later, and I still find that joke funny.)
(I am eating with my grandmother. I am a small B cup.)
Grandmother: *drops some food* “Oh, I’m feeding my boob.”
Me: “I’m always feeding my boobs. I need them to get big and strong.”
