(I have really long hair, and for some reason, my little brother likes playing with it. I’m sitting in front of the computer, showing my brother a video, and he’s standing behind me, pulling on my hair.)
Me: “What are you doing?”
Brother: “Your hair is tangled.”
Me: “Okay.”
(He continues pulling on my hair. A few minutes pass.)
Me: “Are you done?”
Brother: “I tied your hair into a noose.”
(My brother-in-law and I are in the living room, watching TV. My niece and nephew are playing. My niece is reading a nursery rhyme book to her brother.)
My Niece: “Peter Piper picked a pick… peck… a pitch of peck… Peter Piper picked a peck…”
Brother-In-Law: “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers… PEPPERS! Peppers.”
(My niece and nephew continues on, having heard nothing, while I am choking on laughter.)
(I am eating with my grandmother. I am a small B cup.)
Grandmother: *drops some food* “Oh, I’m feeding my boob.”
Me: “I’m always feeding my boobs. I need them to get big and strong.”
(My sister and I are heading to our car, and I notice her shirt tag is sticking up.)
Me: “Tag! Tag, tag, tag! TAG!”
(I fix her tag.)
Sister: “Use complete sentences!”
Me: “Oh, excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice that the little piece of paper indicating the size and brand of your shirt was slightly sticking out. May I fix it?”
Sister: “Or you could just say, ‘Hey, your tag’s sticking out. Let me fix it’.”
Me: “Geez, I didn’t know you were so critical.”
Sister: “I didn’t know you could be such a smart-a**.”
Me: “YOU DIDN’T KNOW?!”
(A group of friends and I, all in our 20s, are having a movie night. I’m living with my parents for the summer. I have recently gotten into a car accident that left me with whiplash, but no major injuries. A friend gets back from a phone call.)
Friend #1: “That was my mom. She heard an ambulance and wanted to make sure it wasn’t for me.”
Friend #2: *laughing* “Your mom is so overprotective.”
Me: “Guys. I got into a car accident today. When I called my dad to ask about insurance, he didn’t even ask if I was okay, just if the police were involved.”
Friend #2: “Well, that’s your dad.”
(Despite living with him, I don’t see my dad for two days after the accident. He says he ‘is busy’.)
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