(I’m working at the register when a regular customer (who is a man) approaches me.)
Regular: “[My Name], I have a question for you.”
Me: “Yeah, what is it?”
Regular: “Um… have you read Twilight?”
Me: “No, I haven’t actually read it.”
Regular: “Oh, thank God! I like you.”
(My husband and I are playing Catch Phrase with friends. To play, you describe a word or phrase without saying the word to get your teammates to guess. It is his turn to go.)
Husband: “It’s a vampire movie. It has three installments.”
Teammate #1: “Twilight!”
Husband: “No, the cool one.”
Teammate #2: “Underworld!”
(I was very proud that night.)
(I am given the job of taking messages to students all over the school, telling them to see various teachers or return books. The highlight of my day is this:)
Me: *enters a classroom of 15-year-olds* “Hey, I’ve got a message for [Name #1] and [Name #2]?”
Student: “Yeah?”
Me: *reading the message* “Okay. You need to return your Twilight books by Tuesday.”
(The entire class burst out laughing as I quickly left the room.)
(My aunts are discussing ‘Twilight’ and I have the bad luck of walking in on it.)
Aunt #1: “I always thought Jacob would’ve been better for Bella.”
Aunt #2: “You’re Team Jacob? Terrible.”
Aunt #1: “Hey, Edward’s creepy.”
Aunt #2: “He is not! [My Name], what do you think? Edward or Jacob?”
Me: *deer in headlights for about five seconds* “Uh…” *dramatic tone* “Lestaaaaat. TEAM LESTAAAAAT! NO FAIRIES! AAAAAAHHH! THE SPARKLES BURN! YOU’VE CONTAMINATED MY MIND!” *hisses and runs away*
Aunt #2: *blink* “Oh…kay, then…”
(Fortunately, they have never talked about ‘Twilight’ in my presence again.)
(My boyfriend of 10 years and I are driving home when I decide to ask the infamous zombie question. He is originally American and has moved to Canada to be with me.)
Me: “So, if I were bitten by a zombie, would you shoot me?”
Boyfriend: “What would you like me to do if you were bitten by a zombie?”
Me: “That’s not what I asked. Just tell me what you’d do if I were bitten?”
Boyfriend: “Well, you could put that in your living will so if the situation ever came up we’d be prepared.”
Me: “That’s actually a great idea! We should so do that!”
Boyfriend: “Okay, but I’m putting a clause in mine in the event robots take over.”
Me: “Fine, but you still haven’t said whether you’d shoot me if I was zombified!”
Boyfriend: “This is Canada. How am I supposed to shoot you when I can’t get a gun anywhere?!”
Me: “Ye gods. You can use other killing tools! Would you do it?”
Boyfriend: “Oh, I guess I’d let you bite me so we could be together forever.”
Me: “Hmm, I wonder if I would kill you if you were a zombie?”
Boyfriend: “Please… you’d kill me if I left the toilet seat up.”
Me: “True… but I wouldn’t kill you if you were a vampire!”
Boyfriend: “Because you’d want to live with me forever?”
Me: “No, because as a vampire I’d still be me and I don’t care if then I have to eat people. God knows there are enough a**holes around for that…”
