(While my oldest niece, who is 18 years old, and I were out painting we were talking about vampires and Twilight.)

Niece: “I LOVE Twilight!”

Me: “It was okay. There were some parts I really liked. Like the eye color changing depending on what you fed on and the wolves. But other than that it kind of gave me a headache. Now if you want some good vampires you have to learn about the REAL ones!”

Niece: “What?” *looks at me like I’m insane*

Me: *rolls my eyes* “No I don’t mean real live vampires. I’m talking about the ones that started it all. Dracula. Interview with the Vampire. You know what? We’re watching the movie and you’ll see.”

(So after painting we return home and I put the movie on for her, warning her about the nudity scenes so she wouldn’t be too embarrassed. When it ends I turn to her.)

Me: “Well? What’d you think?”

Niece: “Wow… I can see why you were so pissed about the vampires in Twilight! This actually makes more sense.”

(And she wasn’t being sarcastic. Ever since then she’s not been able to watch the movies or read the books. Next up is to get her to read Dracula!)

(I’m Christmas shopping in a bookstore with a friend when we come across a Twilight display.)

Friend: “If you get me a copy of Twilight I will burn it.”

Me: *hands her a copy* “Merry Christmas, [Friend]. Here’s some kindling.”

(I’m working the register at the local library. We have a program where we help aspiring writers get their names out there by printing previews of the first few chapters of their book for local review before they send it to major publishers. One of said aspiring writers is talking with some people about his book, a long and detailed story with a vampire and werewolf as dual protagonists. Comparisons with Twilight have been drawn by several people, and he calmly explains the (myriad) differences, usually ending with a blunt jab about Twilight being “ploddingly written garbage.”)

Writer: “I’ve spent a lot of time building up this world with a bunch of traditional mythos. There aren’t just vampires and werewolves, but many other mythological creatures from all over the world.”

(Another customer comes up and begins speaking to him with a paperback preview of the first few chapters.)

Customer: “Oh, my god, this book is such a Twilight rip-off, and it’s such a bad rip-off, too! And your character is all wrong. He’s supposed to be broody and dark and hate what he is and that he can’t control it. Yours loves being a vampire and drinks blood like a drunk drinks wine!”

Writer: “You know, there are more types of vampires than just the one from Twilight. And quite honestly, Twilight—”

Customer: “Is the best thing ever! Honestly, the reason I’ve never heard of vampires before Twilight is because the old ones are all STUPID!”

(The woman throws the paperback on the ground and stomps off, the writer’s face is deadpan but I can see his eyes glaring a hole into the woman’s head. He looks to the guy he was speaking to and gives an exasperated sigh.)

Writer: “And that’s why I want people to help me get my book published.”

(The customer agrees with him and buys the preview the woman just threw down, he came back a few weeks later to return it, extremely satisfied and waiting on the final product.)

(I work at the reference desk, and I often help patrons find books. The following exchange happens one morning:)

Patron: “Hi, I’m looking to see if you have a book.”

Me: “I can help you, then! Can you give me the name of the book?”

Patron: “I don’t remember it.”

Me: “Well, do you remember the author’s name?”

Patron: “No… but it was about vampires and it had the word ‘blood” in the title.”

Me: “…That doesn’t narrow it down nearly as much as you think it does.”

(I am a 16-year old boy, 6’2″ but with rather androgynous facial features and relatively long, messy hair. I also have a gender-neutral name. On this particular day, I am asked to give two prospective parents (in their early 40s) and their daughter (13/14) a tour of the school. We are in an English classroom where a teacher is teaching a Year 8 class.)

Mother: “What books do you study at [School]?”

Me: “Me personally, I’ve studied To Kill A Mockingbird, Of Mice and Men, The War of the Worlds, The Crucible—”

Father: *cuts me off* “Of all the sports they could show you books of, they show you a book about snooker.” *looks at me in disbelief* “Couldn’t they at least make you read Escape to Victory?”

Me: *a little bit stunned* “Was Escape to Victory based on a book?” *it may well have been; I genuinely wasn’t sure* “And The Crucible isn’t about snooker. It’s about people being terrified of the prospect of witches.”

Daughter: “Aren’t the witches good, like in Harry Potter?”

Me: “I’m not going to spoil it for you, since you might read it.” *to the parents* “They made a film of it in the 90s with Daniel Day-Lewis and Winona Ryder in it. It’s very good.”

Daughter: “Do you read Twilight in English?”

Me: “No, but I’ve read it. Edward or Jacob?”

Daughter: *starts giggling* “Jacob, of course. You?”

Me: “I’m not really a fan, I just read them when the movies were coming out; I was curious. You like Hunger Games?”

Daughter: “YEAH!” *daughter does the three-fingered salute*

(I turn around to realise that the teacher is glaring at me and none of the class are doing the work.)

Me: “I’m sorry, Miss… We’ll leave now.”

Teacher: “It’s fine, [My Name]…”

(While we are walking down the corridor, my girlfriend comes over.)

Girlfriend: “Hey, [My Name]…”

Me: “You off to the doctors?” *to my charges* “This is my girlfriend, [Girlfriend].”

Girlfriend: *nods* “I can’t stay long, appointment in 10.”

(She gives me a quick kiss before leaving; the parents both are awkward around me for the rest of the tour. Later, I say goodbye to them and hand them over to one of the deputy heads. I overhear them saying the following as I walk to class.)

Mother: “Did you know that the otherwise lovely girl you had take us on a tour is a lesbian?”

Daughter: “Mum…”

Deputy Head: “I’m sorry?”

Mother: “The really tall pretty girl, [My Name]. She’s a lesbian. Has an equally tall girlfriend called [Girlfriend]. I assume you didn’t know?”

Father: “Do you really think that’s appropriate for a school?”

Mother: “They kissed.”

Deputy Head: *starts laughing* “[My Name] is a lovely young MAN. And we don’t try to discourage relationships; it’s healthy regardless of sexual orientation.”

Father: *speechless*

Mother: “But he knew about the Twilight!”