Not Your Regular Kind Of Meltdown

(I have been touching up a regular’s roots. Her hair has just been washed and I’m about to dry and style it.)

Regular: “That’s awful. You f***** it up!”

Me: “Actually, it only looks like that because it’s wet and hasn’t been treated it yet. Once it’s dried, it will look right.”

Regular: “No, you f***ed it up. You’re a penis. PENIS!”

(She then runs out of the salon, breathes on the window, and draws a penis in the condensation. She then runs off, in the middle of winter, with soaking wet hair. Three months later, she comes back to make another touchup appointment. The owner, not really remembering her by face, checks to see if I have, in fact, done her hair previously. I quickly remind him.)

Owner: “Oh, yes, you’re the penis woman.”

Regular: *blushing* “Yeah… Sorry about that.”

Owner: “What on earth was the problem? [My Name] says you’ve been coming here for years.”

Regular: *speaking very fast* “Well, my granny decided my mobile was making me a lesbian, and I’d just broken up with my boyfriend after he decided to cut his hair short. She threw my phone out of her bedroom window and locked me in her flat with her twelve black cats and one hairless one. I had to get the police, but my phone was f*****. She’s in a home now and her cats are dead. She’s just a crazy old b****. So, when I was here last time, I didn’t have my phone, and I guess I hadn’t really looked at what my hair looks like before it is done.”

Owner & Me: “…”