(My brother and I are heading to school, and our mum is driving us. My brother and I watched ‘Shaun of the Dead’ the night before.)

Brother: “We watched it from halfway through to the end. Then we switched to another channel, and it was on there too!”

Mum: “Really?”

Brother: “Yeah, it had just started. And it was going from the start of the movie!”

Me: “Movies always go from the start of the movie, idiot!”

(My mom, my sister and I are watching some random movie on TV.)

Mom: “They must have filmed this last year.”

Sister: “How do you know?”

Mom: “Her shirt is so last year”

(My sister and I stare at her.)

Mom: “What?”

(My sister hugs her.)

Sister: “Oh, we’ve taught you so well.”

(My dad is an IT guy for a large office. One evening, my mother comes in to pick him up.)

Dad: “Sorry, I can’t leave right now.”

Mom: “Oh?”

Dad: “The entire network in the building is down. There is a server in the basement which requires a keyboard, and it has mysteriously vanished.”

Mom: “Alright, I’ll find somewhere to sit down.”

(My mother finds one of my father’s coworkers. He says that since the network is down, he can’t get much work done, so she might as well sit down and have a chat. So she does. Then she notices a keyboard hanging in the open window.)

Mom: “Why do you have a keyboard there?”

Dad’s Coworker: “Oh, I spilled coffee on it. I just put it there to dry.”

Mom: “Then, where did that keyboard come from?”

(My mom points to the keyboard dad’s coworker is currently using.)

Dad’s Coworker: “Oh, I found it in the basement, by the server. Nobody was using it, so I figured I might as well grab it.”

Mom: “…”

(I’m working as event staff for a major anime convention. My job is to “badge-check” discussion panel events, which means I check and make sure customers have tickets.)

Supervisor: “Go badge-check the panel in [room]!”

Me: “But I’m on break.”

Supervisor: “I know, but [coworker] just decided she’s not going to do it.”

Me: “Just… decided?”

Supervisor: “Yes! So, go in her place!”

(I do. As I badge-check for my coworker’s panel, and a customer approaches.)

Customer: “What time does the panel start?”

Me: “7. It’s only 6:30 now, though. So you have time to leave and come back.”

Customer: “Can I go ahead in now and wait?”

(I look into the room where the panel is going to be. At least five customers are already sitting in there, so I assume my coworker had started letting them in before I got there.)

Me: “I don’t see why not. Just let me badge-check you first.”

(The customer complies and I let him in. Several more customers follow him, and as they all have tickets, I let them pass. Later, when I’m at a different panel event, the supervisor approaches me looking angry and upset.)

Supervisor: “Oh my god, you’ve started a riot!”

Me: “I… what? How?”

Supervisor: “Look outside!”

(I do, and spot a restless, angry line of customers literally around the block trying to get into the panel from earlier.)

Me: “How did this happen?!”

Supervisor: “You weren’t supposed to let customers in the room ’til promptly 7!”

Me: “Nobody told me that! There were customers in the room already!”

Supervisor: “They had been there during the previous panel event and never left the room! Now you’ve overbooked the event!”

Me: “All I was told to do was badge-check. It wasn’t even my panel.”

Supervisor: “It wasn’t? Then why were you badge-checking it?”

Me: “Because you told me to!”

Supervisor: “I did?”

Manager: “[My name], you haven’t highlighted these figures AGAIN!”

Me: “What? Really? Huh, I thought I did.”

Manager: “Well, you didn’t! I can’t stress about how important it is for me to know which figures are which, and you haven’t done them AGAIN!” *sighs theatrically*

Me: “Let me have a look…” *looks at report with highlighted figures* “Wait a minute, manager. These ARE highlighted!”

Manager: “Let me see.” *snatches report* “No, they aren’t!”

Me: “Yes they are. Put on your glasses!”

Manager: “No they aren’t! Wait…” *peers hard* “Oh wait, they are. I was lying, haha!”

Me: “Yeah, next time be sure!”

Manager: “Well, next time use a better highlighter color!” *stomps away*