(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”

Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”

(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)

Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)

(I am a volunteer working at a government funded program that offers free English-as-Second-Language classes to adult immigrants. As it is a day-time class, most of the students are young stay-at-home-moms or retirees. The students usually communicate in one-word utterances, rather than full sentences. The teacher is taking the attendance.)

Teacher: “[Student #1]? Where is [Student #1]?”

Class: “[Student #1] no school today.”

Teacher: “Oh? Why?”

Class: “Husband come China.”

Teacher: “Her husband came over from China?”

Class: “Yeah. Yeah.”

Teacher: “So? Her husband is not a baby! Why does she need to stay home? She doesn’t need to take care of a husband!”

Class: *laughs*

Student #2: *smiles mischievously and winks* “Bed time.”

(The class erupts into laughter and the teacher starts blushing furiously.)

Teacher: “Okay! I can’t argue with that!”

(It still amazes me how someone who can barely string a few words together to communicate can still find humor and joke around in a language they aren’t familiar with. It’s moments like these that convince me that teaching ESL is something that I want to pursue.)

(I am in my junior year of high school. A fellow student has just died on campus due to sudden cardiac failure. As you might expect, this is a shock to everyone, and his close friends are really torn up. It is my first class after lunch, about three hours after the student has died. A tone plays to indicate a school announcement through the PA.)

Announcement: “Due to the death of [Student Name], we have brought in counselors to assist those students struggling with the loss. The counselors are available in the library and any student can come to the library at any time.”

(Several of my fellow students get up to go to the library, as they are really shaken up.)

Teacher: “Where are you all going? The class has not ended yet.”

Student #1: “We are going to the library.”

Teacher: “I didn’t tell you that you can go to the library; now sit down!”

Student #2: “[Name] was our close friend, and we really need to go talk to someone. The announcement said we can go any time.”

Teacher: “I don’t care what the announcement said; sit down now!”

(The small group of students continue towards the door.)

Teacher: “If you leave this classroom without my permission, I will fail you all! You will not be allowed back in!”

(This has the opposite effect, as now more students get up in support of the students leaving, and then more, until the entire class is gone. The students who need it go to the library, but the rest of us go to the office. The vice principal is very surprised we are all there. We explain what happened. We are told to stay in the office until our next class, or go to the library. The next day we find out that the teacher has been suspended!)

(I walk into a classroom and see one table ready.)

Me: *pointing to that table* “Ten points to Gryffindor for being ready!”

Kids: “Yay!”

Me: “You know the points mean nothing, right?”

Kids: “Who cares? We have 10 of them!”

(After reading the “Till Undeath Do Us Part” stories here, I decide to ask my boyfriend the question. We’re both male.)

Me: “Random question: What would you do if there is a zombie apocalypse and I got bit?”

Boyfriend: “I would let you bite me.”

Me: “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah. I think it can cause distance in our relationship if only one of us is enjoying eating people.”