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Two’s Company, Three’s A Bargain

, , | Right Romantic | June 30, 2009

Caller: *on the phone* “I’d like a quote to insure two cars. Do I get a discount if it’s for two cars?”

Me: “Yes, as long as they’re registered at the same address.”

Caller: “Okay, first I need a quote for my wife’s car.”

(I run through the details and tell him the price.)

Caller: “Okay, now I need a quote for my girlfriend’s car.”

Me: “Er… okay.”

Caller: “Do I get a discount on the second one, then?”

Me: “Only if they’re registered at the same address.”

Caller: “Okay.”

Me: *confused* “Do your wife and your girlfriend live at the same address?”

Caller: “What do you think I am? Stupid?”

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Pepperoni Paranoia

, , | Right | June 30, 2009

(I had two deliveries in the same area, and I had the two orders in one bag. I get to the first house, take the pizza out of the bag and go to the door.)

Me: “Hi, that will be $28.27.”

Customer: “What is this? Where’s my bag?!”

Me: “What do you mean? What bag?”

Customer: “My security bag!”

Me: “You mean heat-wave bag?”

Customer: “NO! MY SECURITY F*****G BAG!”

Me: “You know, it’s a heat bag to keep the pizza warm, and it’s held with velcro.”


Me: “Well… here is your pizza.” *collects money* “You may call the store with any complaints.”

(Later she called the store and told the manager she couldn’t put it in her garbage because there might be acid in it.)

And This Is Before He Had A Pint

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2009

(Note: the music from the jukebox in our bar is playing pretty loudly.)

Customer: “Can you turn the jukebox back on please?”

Me: “It is on.”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. The government turned it off.”

Me: “Erm, really?”

Customer: “Yeah, so can you turn it back on?”

Me: “Erm, okay…” *I pretend to push a button underneath the bar* “…how’s that?”

Customer: “Much better, thanks!”

LOL OMG Grandma, Read The FAQ

, , | Right | June 30, 2009

(We have an older patron who comes into the library to use the Internet. She’s around 65 and not computer literate, so we help her out whenever she needs us.)

Patron: “Miss, could you help me? I don’t understand what is happening.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Patron: “I think I had a stroke or something!”

Me: “Oh my God, what do you feel?”

Patron: “Well, I can’t understand the words on the computer. It doesn’t make any sense! I’m so confused!”

(She seems fine, just aggravated, but I call over my coworker who is in a nursing program.)

Me: “Can you check her out real quick?”

Coworker: “You’re fine. What did you feel?”

Patron: “Well, nothing. But, all of a sudden, I lost my ability to understand writing. I opened an email from my granddaughter and I didn’t understand a word of it!”

(My coworker and I read the email:)

Email: “Hey grandma! I’ve been having a gr8 time in Ny with mom and dad. we’ll b back in ca on the 4th. I miss u! c u l8r!”

Coworker: “Um, I think she just wrote in a hurry and didn’t realize that you didn’t understand her shorthand. It’s teenspeak, so it’s a little hard to understand.”

Patron: “Oh, thank God… such a stupid girl! I’m going to tell my son to throw her TV and computer away and make her read some books!”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re preaching to the choir.”

You’re Not Burning, But My Eyes Are

, , , | Right | June 30, 2009

(I’m working the front of a tanning salon and a customer comes up to me, completely naked.)

Customer: “Does this tan look even to you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need you to go back to your booth and put your clothes on. You’re bothering the other customers.”

Customer: “But I need to know if this tan is even. Does it look like I’m burning?”

Me: *trying not to look at her* “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I need you to go back to your booth and put your clothes on. You can’t just walk around naked.”

Customer: “Fine! You’re no help at all!”