(I’m practicing chest compressions on a dummy. When you do them right, the dummy is supposed to make a click.)

Me: *does chest compression*

(No click.)

Instructor: “You have to do them more firmly! Harder!”

(I try, but no click.)

Instructor: “In real life a few broken ribs don’t matter; this is a life you’re trying to save! Now, do it harder. Don’t be afraid!”

(I use all my might, and the dummy’s head flies off.)

Instructor: “Not that hard!”

(I am in a relationship where we talk about almost everything including any delicate experiences. We have just had a lengthy discussion on our masturbation habits. He is telling me how when he was a teenager he used his mother’s fashion magazine to masturbate.)

Me: “Thanks to you I’m learning things about men I’d never imagined!”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no! I’m a traitor to my gender!”

Me: “Yay! You betrayed your genitals, for me!”

(I have recently begun to date an old friend, after having chased him for seven years. Though we are kind of a new couple, our long-lasting friendship allows us into a very quick intimacy, as we have known each other for ages. However, my boyfriend is very shy about expressing his feelings, and never says how serious this is for him. I tease him, but he jokes about it and keeps his mouth absolutely shut. He also doesn’t believe in marriage. One night, we are laying on the bed, sleepy.)

Me: “You did all the dishes all by yourself today? Wow, what a man!”

Boyfriend: “Well, you did marry me for a reason.”

(I am in awe, and there is a protracted pause.)

Me: “Well, I guess I have an idea of how serious you believe this is going to be. So, would you remind me why I married you, again? And obviously, when?”

(I’m eating ice cream straight from the tub because it’s a small container and I’m the only one in the house who eats that flavor. I offer my spoon to my cousin, who had slept over the previous night.)

Me: “Want a bite?”

Cousin: “Sure.”

(Takes the spoon from me and eats a few bites from the container, before giving it back to me. I resume eating.)

Cousin: “I hope I didn’t keep you up last night.”

Me: “What? No, why?”

Cousin: “Well I have a cold, so I was up coughing for a while.”

Me: “Oh, no, it was fine— Wait, you’re sick?! You tell me this now? You tell me after I let you eat from my spoon? Oh, my god, and you ate directly from the container, too!”

Cousin: “Oh, my god! I’m so sorry! I totally forgot I was sick!”

(My son is playing video games when he turns to me.)

Son: “Guess what my name is?”

Me: “What?”

Son: *deadpan* “Edgar Allen Bro.”