(We are on a field trip to a court room in the late 1980s.)

Bailiff: “All rise for the Honorable Michael J. Fox.”

Judge: “Okay, everyone. Thanks for coming today. Let’s start with any questions you might have.”

Me: *really excited* “Were you named after the actor?”

Judge: “Uh, well, since he was born approximately 30 years after me, I think it’s probably a safer bet to say he was named for me!”

(I am in the 8th grade. I have transferred into a new set of classes, and am sitting next to my friend in science class. She often copies off of my papers, and, at the time, I don’t really care enough stop her. We are learning about the periodic table of elements and we have just turned in our worksheets.)

Teacher: “[My Name], [Friend], please come see me.”

(We both go up, confused. The teacher looks at me first.)

Teacher: “Okay, [My Name]. You did pretty well, but where you were supposed to name an element after you, you were supposed to use your last name.”

Me: “Oh, oops.”

Teacher: “And [Friend], as honorable as it is to name an element after your friend, you’re going to need to sit next to someone else from now on.”

(It turns out she had copied my wrong answer without even reading the question!)

(My husband works as ground crew for a low-cost airline, and I run my own niche bakery. It is Valentine’s night, and although we don’t usually do more than nod to holidays as they pass us by, we’re looking forward to spending some time together when he gets home. With less than an hour until he is supposed to leave, my husband gets news that his shift has been extended until 3:30 am.)

Husband: “I’m so mad. I can’t believe they ‘mando’d’ me on Valentine’s! And it turns out they weren’t supposed to keep me. They were supposed to keep the other guy who already went home. I told the supervisor he owes me. The overtime won’t even pay for a hooker, and I was supposed to get laid tonight! I said to the guys, ‘my wife is going to be so pissed. It’s going to take, like, a whole hour just to prime her, now!'”

Me: “Oh, it’s fine. It’s just the only romance-themed occasion on the calendar. You know what? It’s a stupid holiday, anyway. And I don’t even like you that much. You should tell the airline to keep you. Let’s be frank: they’re f****** you more than I do.”

(He relayed my sentiments to his supervisor, who felt so bad that the next day he brought a box of chocolates in to work for me!)

(I am in a bit of a ‘we’re seeing each other, but we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend’ situation. It’s Valentine’s Day. We just finished being intimate, and I am laying on top of him kissing his face.)

Me: “I like your face.” *smooch*

Him: “Aww, thanks.” *pause, then says jokingly* “You’re not going to skin me, are you?”

Me: “Hmm? Nah. I don’t have all the equipment for that. Besides, none of my pots will boil your face right.”

Him: *laughs* “Oh, okay. Just had me a little worried there. You said you had lotion the other night. You know, ‘it puts the lotion on its skin…'”

Me: “‘Or else it gets the hose again!’ … Are we seriously quoting Silence of the Lambs after we just had sex?”

(My 18 month long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who is much older than me, has been strained and awkward for around six months and I finally decide that we should break up. I am pretty sure he thinks the same, so I hope that the break up will be relatively painless. We meet for lunch at a restaurant near my home.)

Me: “Thanks for meeting up with me. I think we both know that we need to talk.”

Boyfriend: “I know what you mean. I’ve got something to say to you. It’s important and it has to be said.”

Me: “Really? I mean, I know things have been a bit difficult lately but I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do about it.”

Boyfriend: “You don’t need to tell me. I know stuff has been awkward between us lately and we have to do something about it. It can’t carry on like this.”

Me: “Wow, I’m so glad you’re on the same page as me with this.”

Boyfriend: “Well, it was inevitable, wasn’t it?”

Me: “It was really. We can stay friends though, right?”

Boyfriend: “Of course. Being friends is important. Husbands and wives should always be the best of friends.”

Me: “Yes I— Wait, WHAT?!”

(He kneels down and gets out a box with an engagement ring in it.)

Boyfriend: “You’re my friend and the love of my life. Will you marry me?”

Me: “No! I’m trying to break up with you. I thought that was what you meant!”

(I get my coat and start to leave.)

Boyfriend: “But marriage solves everything! It will fix all our problems! It can heal our relationship!”

(He runs after me.)

Boyfriend: “Come back! Let’s be healed!”

(After I got away from him, he texted me for a month solid, begging to ‘let marriage heal me!’)