(My aunts are discussing ‘Twilight’ and I have the bad luck of walking in on it.)

Aunt #1: “I always thought Jacob would’ve been better for Bella.”

Aunt #2: “You’re Team Jacob? Terrible.”

Aunt #1: “Hey, Edward’s creepy.”

Aunt #2: “He is not! [My Name], what do you think? Edward or Jacob?”

Me: *deer in headlights for about five seconds* “Uh…” *dramatic tone* “Lestaaaaat. TEAM LESTAAAAAT! NO FAIRIES! AAAAAAHHH! THE SPARKLES BURN! YOU’VE CONTAMINATED MY MIND!” *hisses and runs away*

Aunt #2: *blink* “Oh…kay, then…”

(Fortunately, they have never talked about ‘Twilight’ in my presence again.)

(My family and I, while traveling, have stopped at a very busy local restaurant. We are seated quickly, but then totally ignored. In spite of several attempts to flag down a server, we still get no help. After observing a family that has come in after us pay and leave, we decide that we would take our business elsewhere. While at a small hotdog stand, I related what had happened to us.)

Hotdog Stand Owner: “They give me more business. You have to be a local to get served there.”

Me: “Well, that’s interesting, as they are a major truck stop with billboards on the freeway…”

(We have a sale on just after Christmas. All stock is 40% off but IT gets it wrong and discount items even more. Coworkers go mad after closing to buy stuff.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], what do you think of this handbag?”

Me: “Um, it’s ugly.”

Coworker #1: “But I really want to buy a bag when they are so discounted!”

(Coworker #2 walks up.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [Coworker #2], what do you think of this bag?”

Coworker #2: “It’s ugly.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, I know it’s ugly, but the lining fabric inside is really nice, and I will be looking inside it more often than looking at the outside. And they are only $11.99!”

Coworker #2: “REALLY?” *dives into the bags to choose several ugly handbags for herself*

(Both coworkers turn to me and tell me I need to get some for myself. Both also state their husbands are going to kill them for buying so much. Coworker #2 asks Coworker #1 to pay for hers so her husband won’t find out. They keep me back 45 minutes because I am the only one who can serve them. The next morning, it’s my job to tidy the mess they made on the handbag table.)

Me: *next to Coworker #1* “Hey, look! I found a bag I almost like”.

(I’m a fairly new cashier at a popular fast food restaurant. Our burgers have names, like ‘Mama Burger’ or ‘Teen Burger.’)

Customer: *obviously intoxicated* “I want a cheeseburger and I want it hot. I don’t want it sitting in the f******* warmer.”

(As there is no listing for cheeseburger, I automatically change it to a ‘mama burger’ with cheese.)

Me: “Of course, sir, that’ll be $7.50.”

(I continue on with my job, cleaning trays and wiping tables, as someone else bags food. After several minutes I notice the customer is still standing there without his food. There is a bag sitting on the counter, and as I check the receipt I notice it is his ‘mama burger’ with cheese.)

Me: “Sir, I believe this is your meal here. Your cheeseburger?”

Customer: “I ORDERED A GODD*** CHEESEBURGER OVER 10 MINUTES AGO! NOT A ‘MAMA BURGER’!”

(As he continues on, my manager steps in and I quietly go hide in the back room and watch and listen.)

Manager: “I’m sorry for the mix up, sir. This is a cheeseburger, but in this restaurant it’s called a—”

Customer: “I DON’T GIVE A D*** WHAT IT’S CALLED. I’VE WAITED OVER 10 MINUTES! THIS IS WHY YOU PEOPLE ONLY MAKE MINIMUM WAGE! ANY MONKEY COULD TAKE YOUR JOBS AND DO BETTER!”

Manager: *calmly* “I’m sorry, sir.”

Customer: *snatches food from counter* “I’M SO MAD, I COULD JUST—” *raises his fist to manager’s face* “I SHOULD BURN THIS BUILDING DOWN ON TOP OF ALL OF YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF S***!”

Manager: “You should not be out drinking and driving. It puts everyone in danger.”

Customer: “I’VE NEVER HAD A SIP OF ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE! NO DRUGS EITHER!”

*storms out with his food*

Next Customer In Line: “That’s a lie. He has had to be removed by police from [Other Fast Food Restaurant] four times. We’re instructed to phone police if he enters the premises.”

Me: *comes out of hiding*

Coworker: “You saw that coming, huh? I was wondering why you were hiding.”

Me: “This job… It gets better, right?”

Coworker: “No.”

(I approach a table occupied by a young couple.)

Me: “Hello. I’m [My Name] and I’ll be your waitress. Can I get you something to drink?”

Young Man: “Hello. Um, yes.  I’ll have a [Soda Pop] and we’re ready to order, if that’s okay?”

Me: “Certainly, what can I get for you?”

(The young man, polite and well-spoken, places his order and I turned to the vacant eyed young lady with him. All empty smiles and mindless giggles, she inquires…)

Young Lady: “Hee, hee, hee. What’s a kwee-sa-dil-la?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

(She points to the quesadilla plate and I calmly explain the concept to her.)

Young Lady: “Hee hee! Oh, I don’t think I’d like that? What’s chicken ‘friend’ rice?”

(The young man takes on a look of pained embarrassment and I try to spare him by keeping my expression neutral.)

Me: “Its rice that’s been stir fried and had vegetables, egg, and chicken added to it.”

Young Lady: “Tee hee. Oh, so, it has shrimp in it?”

(Young man face palms.)

Me: “We have a shrimp fried rice plate that has shrimp in it.”

Young Lady: “No, no, no. I want that chicken ‘friend’ rice stuff.”

Me: “All right. So chicken fried rice and—”

Young Lady: “And that’s got shrimp, right?”

(Young man drops head to table and tries to disappear.)

Me: “Um, no, it has chicken but I can have them make shrimp fried rice instead.”

Young Lady: “No, no. I want chicken ‘friend’ rice with shrimp, not chicken.”