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Today, We Are All From Toronto

, , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(The parking lot is full at a popular beach and the area is residential, so I have the job of turning cars away.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lot is full and you’re blocking traffic so you’ll have to move your car.”

Customer: “But we are from Toronto!”

Me: “Um… I’m glad you drove all this way, but the lot is full. Maybe you can get some lunch and check back in a half-hour?”

Customer: “But we are from Toronto.”

Me: “I know. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I have to keep this road clear.”

Customer: “Have you ever been to Toronto?”

Me: “No. But please, sir, you have to move. Perhaps you can drop your family off and rejoin them later when we have spaces.”

Customer: *angrily* “We are going back to Toronto!”

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Coming Soon: Backup Singer Hero

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(I’m shopping in a video game store, and an older, overweight, bald man comes into the store alone and proceeds to ask the greatest question I have ever heard.)

Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”

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Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

, , , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very hot day and an older man, unfortunately, has a stroke or heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

(The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

(I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)


This story is part of our Golf roundup!

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Read the Golf roundup!

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Old MacDonald Had A Meal

, , , | Right | July 1, 2009

(I’m a waitress at a restaurant, and an elderly man just ordered a steak.)

Me: “How would you like your steak, sir?”

Customer: “Alive.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Alive. I want it alive.”

Me: “I’m not sure I get you, sir; do you mean rare?”

Customer: “No. Alive! When I poke my fork in, it will have to say ‘MOO!'”

Me: “…I’m not sure we can arrange that for you, sir. It’s impossible.”

Customer: “You’re saying it’s impossible for you to bring a cow in here?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll have mine well done, then.”

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A Snake Eating Its Own Tail

, , , | Right | July 1, 2009

(It’s late at night and only one manager, another employee, and I are working. I’m manning the drive-thru when a car pulls up.)

Customer: *over speaker* “I just came through the drive-thru, and I got a fish sandwich.”

Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

Customer: “There was a bite in my sandwich!”

Me: “I’m sorry? Please drive around and I’ll see what I can do.”

Customer: *at window* “What you can do, young lady, is get me a new sandwich.”

Me: “Um, sir, nobody here would have taken a bite of your sandwich. Are you sure it didn’t just break off?”

Customer: “NO! Give me a new sandwich! I just tasted this sandwich and it tasted terrible.”

Me: “Wait — you bit the sandwich after you found a bite?”

Customer: “No, you idiot! I bit the sandwich, and I need another one!”

Me: “…”

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