(When driving onto a military installation you have to stop and present your ID to the gate guard. I am driving through with my five-year-old.)

Guard: “Okay, young lady. Have a nice day.”

Daughter: “Mommy, why did he call you a young lady? You’re not young!”

(I’m rooming with my mum while on holiday with my family as she had wanted some peace and quiet away from my dad’s snoring.)

Mum: “I’m going to shower, since you take ages, and after that I’m going to sleep.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

(After my shower, I enter the room…)

Mum: *mumbling*

Me: “Ma? I thought you said you were going to sleep? Why are you still up?”

Mum: *silent*

(I walk over to see that my mum was asleep. She suddenly breaks out singing a few lines!)

Me: “…”

Mum: “Shh!” *suddenly starts singing again* “Shhh! Shhhhhhhh!”

(The next day, at breakfast, I confront my dad.)

Me: “Ma started mumbling and singing in her sleep last night!”

Dad: “Yeah, she sleep talks.”

Me: *to Mum* “You mean you wanted to get away from Dad’s snoring even though you yourself talk the whole night?”

(I’ve just started a new job and I’m visiting my cousin in another part of the country. She’s taken me to her local nursing home to visit my elderly auntie who I haven’t seen for several years.)

Aunt: “So, what does your husband do?”

Me: “He’s an electrician.”

Aunt: “Oh, that’s a good job. Are you working?”

Me: “Yes, I’ve just started a new job, in personnel.”

Aunt: “What’s that?”

Me: “I do payroll, and holiday and sick leave. Things like that.”

Aunt: “Pay? And holiday? I don’t understand. You’re a cook? A cleaner? What do you do?”

Me: “Um, I sort out pay for the workers. You know, their wages?”

Aunt: *looking very confused* “What?”

(I look helplessly at my cousin, not sure how to explain.)

Cousin: “Auntie, she works in an office.”

Aunt: “Oh! Office work. You should have said!”

(Apparently, in Auntie’s world, there are only three types of job for a woman – cook, cleaner, or ‘office work’!)

(My wife and I are visiting my father who was in the US Navy, where he worked with sonar. He has CRAZY good hearing. We are upstairs in a closed room; he is downstairs working on the computer.)

Me: “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Wife: “I don’t know. Do you think your dad would take us down to Tijuana?”

Dad: *yelling from downstairs* “That sounds like a great idea! We can go tomorrow.”

Wife: *even quieter* “We are NEVER having sex in this house.”

Dad: *yelling again* “Thank you!”

(After my first performance evaluation, my boss gave me some tips to follow to improve my radio show. I took his advice to heart, and applied it to my show. This happens during my second performance evaluation, after he finished listening to a recent sample of my radio show.)

Boss: “Wow. I was not expecting you to do that.”

Me: “What? What did I do?”

Boss: “You actually took my advice, applied it, and got better.”

Me: “Was I not supposed to do that?”

Boss: “Look. I’ll be honest with you. Most people just ignore my advice and keep doing what they’re doing. I fully expected you to do that, too. All I was going to do today was repeat what I told you last time.”

Me: “So, do you have any other advice?”

Boss: “Nope. We’re done here.”