(I work as a delivery driver for a major pizza chain. I have an exchange between me and one of the managers.)

Me: “We’re getting seriously low on pop in the cooler.”

Manager: “What about the pop cooler?”

Me: “We’re getting seriously low on pop. The cooler needs to be filled.”

Manager: “What’s wrong with the pop cooler? Is it broken?”

Me: “No! The cooler is fine! We are getting extremely low on ALL pop!”

Manager: “What do we need in the pop cooler?”

Me: “… Duck…”

Manager: “There should be plenty in the walk-in.”

Me: “… Duck? Seriously…?”

Manager: “Yeah, we’ll get it. Take your delivery.”

(A half hour later, after my return from a delivery:)

Manager: “Hey! The pop cooler is empty! Why didn’t you tell me?”

(I am scanning documents and notice a horribly funny acronym. One of my colleagues are walking past me.)

Me: “Are you immature?”

Colleague: “Of course.”

(I show them the document. Immediately they cover their mouth and laugh.)

Colleague: “No way.”

Me: “Yes way. IFAP.”

Colleague: “Well, at least you’re honest.”

(Though English is my native tongue, I’m also fluent in several other languages and sometimes get my words mixed up. I’m moving out of my flat and I need to find a new tenant to take over my room. This exchange happens when I try to tell the landlord about my progress.)

Me: “So, I advertised the room online and I got loads of responses!”

Landlord: “Oh wow! Good job.”

Me: “Thanks! Some of them weren’t good matches though, so I had to exterminate them.”

Landlord: “… What?”

Me: “Wait, no! I mean eliminate! You know, cross them off the list!”

(I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a murderer now…)

(I work as a cashier at a well known game store. A husband, wife, and child come up to the register and I ring up the game they want. Note that we only display cases and not the games.)

Me: “Your total is [total].”

(The man pays, while the wife opens up the empty game case she has been holding.)

Wife: “Where is the game?”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Wife: “My husband just paid for the game and the game is not in here.”

(She holds open the display case pointing inside.)

Me: “Ma’am, those cases are for display only. I put the game in the bag with the receipt.”

Wife: “NO! He paid for this game and it is not in here. I want this game.”

Me: *I show her the sealed game from the bag* “See, ma’am, the game is right here and sealed.”

Wife: “You shouldn’t have these things here if you don’t put games in them right when we pay.”

(The family then leaves. I turn to my assistant manager.)

Me: “Did she really think we magically send the game into an empty case?”

Assist. Manager: “Yep, and we will be getting a call about it later, too. Watch.”

(Sure enough, right before closing the wife called the store to complain about the game not showing up in the case she was holding.)

(I have a headset on to assist drive-thru…)

Cashier: “You had the burger and a coke. Any fries today?”

Customer: *grumpy*: “No fries!”

Cashier: “Okay. And what size for your drink?”

Customer: “NO FRIES!”

Cashier: “I know, but what size for your drink? Small, medium, or large?”

Customer: “I said NO FRIES!”

Cashier: “Okay. The burger and a coke…”

Customer: “LISTEN, YOU LITTLE B****! I said I didn’t want fries! Don’t you f****** listen?!”

(She drives up to the first window and I’m ticked off, so I take it. She hands me her credit card.)

Me: “DON’T SWEAR AT MY COWORKERS!”

Customer: “Well, she wasn’t listening!”

Me: “Yes, she was. You didn’t. She asked what size of drink. She didn’t say a damn word about fries after you said you didn’t want any.”

Customer: “I want your manager.”

(I call for manager.)

Customer: “I want—”

Me: “Nope. You want the manager, not me, so you’re getting the manager.” *I still have her card so she can’t leave*

(The manager comes and the customer complains about my attitude to her. The manager says exactly what I did, not to swear at us, it’s her own fault, and not to come back. Haven’t seen her since.)