(It’s my grandfather’s 90th birthday. Extended family members from four states have come to celebrate. It’s dessert time during the dinner party and people have been making toasts. My aunt gets up and raises her glass of wine.)

Aunt: “I’d just like to say how much I appreciate my dad for being so open and accepting of what his kids wanted to do with their lives—”

Cousin: “Mom, you made that toast already. Five minutes ago.”

Aunt: “I did?”

All Of Us: “YES!”

Aunt: “Well, I want to make it again!”

(Clearly, we’d all been toasting too much already.)

(We are playing a game where the object is to take treasure from the dragon’s hoard without awakening the dragon. Two of my brothers are approaching the hoard. One moves his playing piece into the center.)

Me: “[Brother #1], you enter the hoard! Draw a card and let’s see what happens!”

Brother #1: “It’s a dragon breathing fire. What does that mean?”

Me: “Er… the dragon wakes up and breathes fire on you. You lose your treasure and lose some life. You get kicked out of the space.”

(Brother #1 groans but finds his character just barely survived. Brother #2 grins and enters the dragon space. He draws a card.)

Brother #2: “It’s treasure! And a sleeping dragon!”

Me: “All right! If you can get that treasure to the exit you could win!”

(Brother #2 ends his turn at the hoard. During my turn I move my piece closer. It’s now Brother #1’s turn, who’s right outside the dragon space.)

Brother #1: “I enter the hoard again and draw another card… Wait, let me shuffle the cards first.”

(He shuffles thoroughly. Then draws a card. He stares at it.)

Me: “So what did you get?”

Brother #1: *sheepishly* “Um… a dragon breathing fire?”

(The dragon proceeds to breathe fire on everyone in the space, which results in Brother #1 and Brother #2 getting roasted. We stare dumbfounded until Brother #2 and I break into laughter.)

Brother #1: “How many fire-breathing cards are in this anyway?”

Me: “Um… one.”

(I am babysitting my sister’s kids. Their bedtime is 8 pm but they are too young to tell time. Normally they know bedtime by the TV programs but we are watching a Disney movie that ends at 8 pm. So, at 7:30 pm…)

Me: “Okay, bedtime. Let’s go. PJs, teeth—”

Kids: “No, no. Come on. Let us stay up. Just to the end of the movie? PLEEEEASE?!”

Me: “Okay, just to the end of the movie, but ONLY if you promise not to argue then. Straight to bed when the movie ends.”

Kids: “Yes, we will. We’ll be good.”

(Sure enough, when the movie ends they wgo straight to bed, no questions asked… at 8 pm. When their parents came home…)

Me: “Your kids are going to tell you they got to stay up late. Let me tell you what REALLY happened…”

(I’ve already worked the daily maximum hours allowed at my job when this occurs.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], I’m gonna need you to come in for a couple of hours to cover [Another Coworker].”

Me: “I’m sorry, man, I can’t. I’m already maxed out. I’ll be in tomorrow, though.”

Coworker: *typing in the background* “It’s cool. I just fixed it so you can come in. I erased the last few hours you worked so you should be cool to do what I need.”

Me: *in disbelief* “You just erased a few hours off my timecard? Do you know how illegal that is?”

Coworker: “Oh, relax. Who’s gonna find out anyway?”

Me: “How about [Boss] when she shows up tomorrow morning?”

Coworker: “You worry too much; she’ll never know. And besides, it’s my word against yours, anyway.”

Me: “No, it’s actually your word against mine; the surveillance system, and the recording of this call that will prove to [Boss] who’s telling the truth.”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Also, just so you know, those are both backed up off-site and can only be accessed by [Boss] or her boss.”

Coworker: “…”

(Oddly enough, for some reason, that coworker mysteriously quit before the start of next shift.)

(I am working as a technician, part of a technical staff. I have one coworker who is known far and wide as a teller of tall tales. I’d simply had enough of his lies, so one day as several of us sit for lunch I decide to dish it back to him.)

Coworker: “… and back home I did a lot of fishing. I once caught a 10 pound crappie!”

(The world record for crappie size is 5 lbs, 3 oz. I decided to step in at this point.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], want to hear a real bit of trivia?”

Coworker: “Yeah, what?”

Me: “Do you know where sushi was first developed?”

(My boss was furiously motioning me not to do this, but I just grinned and continued.)

Coworker: “No, where?”

Me: “In Milwaukee!”

(Everyone jumps as the coworker slaps the tabletop.)

Coworker: “I KNEW that!”