(Our dog blatantly misbehaves and appears to immediately regret it when we try to correct him. For example, he’ll jump up on someone and the second we start to correct him, he hits the ground and does every submission signal dogs know. He’s causing chaos in the kitchen while my dad’s trying to cook. I hear the dog slam to the ground again.)

Dad: “I have no advice for you except to stop.”

(I borrow money from the government student loan branch but after my schooling find myself out of work for a year. The loan defaults back to two separate branches of government. The first, whom I owed the larger amount to are completely understanding of my situation and just advise me to notify them when I have employment. I next call the other branch for the smaller amount, which is less than $1000.)

Me: “I was just calling to advise you that I have been unemployed for a while and am not able to make any payments. I was just wondering what kind of interest would be building on this while it sits?”

Employee: *sarcastically* “I am sooo sorry to hear about your situation. But the fact is that the full amount needs to be paid immediately.”

Me: “I can’t pay it right now. I can’t afford it.”

Employee: “Do you know how many times a day I hear these kind of excuses from lazy deadbeats like you? I don’t understand why you can’t just pay your bill.”

Me: “As I just explained, I am out of work right now and have been for some time. I’m living at home and have to borrow money from my parents just to put gas in the car to go job hunting.”

Employee: “Well, just sell something you own.”

Me: “I don’t own anything! I still live at home and I drive my mom’s car! I’m broke! Penniless!”

Employee: “Well, just borrow the money from your parents!”

Me: “I am talking to you right now out of the pure fact that I borrowed money and can’t pay it back and your genius solution is for me to borrow more money?!”

Employee: “Well, just get a job!”

Me: “Are you offering me one?”

Employee: “What?! No!”

Me: “Well, then I guess you’ll just have to wait on your money.”

(A coworker and I do not get along at all. He has put me down at every opportunity. Even though we haven’t worked together in years, I hear through industry contacts that he still trashes me whenever he can. A new boss is hired for me, and I find that he and my old coworker were close colleagues. Eventually, I’m called into a ‘get to know the new boss’ meeting with my new boss, my boss’s boss, and his assistant. My new boss is doing his best to look very intimidating.)

New Boss: “So you’re [My Name], eh? I’m ready for your tricks. [Old Coworker] has told me all about you.”

Me: “Well, that’s unfortunate. For you see, there’s been some bad blood between me and [Old Coworker], and that’s no doubt tainted his perceptions of me. Perhaps if you elaborate on these ‘tricks’ he warned you of, I can better explain my side of the story.”

(My new boss sits stunned for a moment, not ready for this response. Struggling to respond, he points to his boss and blurts out…)

New Boss: “But he LOVES you.”

(My boss’s boss facepalmed.)

(I’m applying for unemployment after being laid off. I am required to register with a job center, and the job center has a required orientation. The first I hear of it is through an automated message, so I call for more details.)

Me: “I got an automated call about the orientation, and it mentioned a letter. I never received the letter. Can you send the information in an email?”

Job Center Rep: “Oh, we don’t send emails, because not everyone has ready access to a computer. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Me: “Not even as an alternative option? Fine. What am I supposed to do?”

Job Center Rep: “You need to log onto our website, go to [page], and print and complete the survey there. You’ll also need to download [form] from [other page] and have it completed before you arrive.”

Me: “So everybody must access your website and print documents from it, but you still can’t send an email about this?”

Job Center Rep: “They can use the library!”

(I am 13 years old. My family and I are out to dinner in a popular pizza restaurant, owned by two feuding sisters. My mother is counting each table as it being served, and notices in the kitchen when our pizza is coming out. We can see through the windows in the kitchen doors, one labeled ‘In’ and the other ‘Out’)

Mother: “Oh, here comes our pizza now!”

(Just as she says this, the two sisters, one walking out with our pizza, and the other entering through the “Out” door, crash into each other, sending our pizza to the floor.)

Sister #1: “Look what you did! You made me drop their pizza!”

Sister #2: “Me?! You were walking through the wrong door!”

(The two sisters start arguing in Italian, and later Sister #1 comes over to our table to apologize.)

Sister #1: “I’m very sorry about this. We will make you a fresh new pizza, on the house for your troubles.”

Mother: “Hey, I’d have paid double if I had known we’d be getting dinner and a show!”