(I work in a diner-style restaurant. I wait on a couple mid-afternoon, during the slower part of the day, when there’s not much staff on. Everything seems normal, and since it isn’t busy, it is easy to keep a close eye on their needs, refill drinks, bring the food right out, and so on. I have side-work to do, but it is all things to be done in the front, like straightening up the area where we dish up soup and salad. This is right in front of the pass-through to the kitchen, so I am basically in sight the whole time. I have asked them a couple of times if everything is all right, and have been assured that it was. When they come to the register to pay, the manager on duty is manning the register.)

Manager: “Afternoon, folks. Was everything all right with your meal?”

Customer: “No! Our waitress was horrible. She was always in the back, and we didn’t get refills on our drinks, and our food sat in the window for about 15 minutes before she finally came out and brought it to us!”

Manager: “I’m sorry to hear that; that doesn’t sound like her. Let me just verify that with the cook, and I’ll be happy to comp that for you.”

Manager: *to cook* “Hey, [Cook], I gotta cheeseburger with fries and an open-face beef with mash. These guys say [My Name] let it sit in the window and dry out. How long was the order up here?”

Cook: *with a snort* “How about… zero seconds? She was straightening the salad station when I said she was up, and I put the plates right in her hands. They literally didn’t even touch the window.”

Manager: *to customers* “Folks, my cook says they didn’t sit at all, much less 15 minutes, so I’m not going to be able to comp these for you after all. That’ll be [amount], please.”

Customer: “Are you going to take his word over mine?”

Manager: “Yes, I am!”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Manager: “Well, since I caught you in a lie about this, and I can see from here that your glasses on the table are still half full, so either you didn’t need a refill or you did get one when you said you didn’t. I suppose that would also be a yes. Yes, I am.”

(The customer fumes, but tosses a $20 down, and gets his change.)

Customer: “I can’t believe this place. We are NEVER coming here again!”

Manager: “Promises, promises.”

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(I am the patient in this story. I just received the birth control injection that goes in the arm.)

Me: “So, how soon does it take for this to take effect?”

Doctor: “Right now, you’re good to go!”

Me: “Challenge accepted!”

Doctor: “…”

(A few classmates and I are chatting about our weekend before class starts. A guy sitting near us, who we don’t like to talk to due to the uncomfortable things he says, pipes in about his new girlfriend. Curious how a guy like him got a girlfriend, we humor him and started asking questions.)

Friend #1: “So… is she pretty?”

Weird Guy: “Yeah! She’s so hot.”

Friend #2: “What does she look like?”

Weird Guy: “She’s got brown hair.”

Friend #2: “And?”

Weird Guy: “She’s tall. A little taller than me, actually.”

Me: “Cool! What else? Describe how she looks! We want to know!”

Weird Guy: “Well… she’s got blue eyes. Uh, nice teeth. She’s, uh… she’s not really fat, but not really skinny. She’s kinda on the bigger side though… kinda like [My Name]!”

(All of the girls in the conversation gasp, realizing that he called me, at 5’0″ tall and 100 pounds “on the bigger side.” They look at me with open mouths, expecting me to be offended. I laugh.)

Me: “I hate to break it to you, dude, but if you consider me ‘on the bigger side,’ you’ve got some messed up standards.”

Weird Guy: “I… well… I didn’t say she was fat… because you’re not fat…” *long pause* “She lives out of state so you guys wouldn’t know her. She’s really pretty though. Like [My Name]. She’s not fat.”

(We all laugh about it and they remark about how awesome it is I wasn’t offended. We decided he’s best just ignored for the remainder of the year.)

(A super chipper British friend of my mum’s is excitedly telling some of us about a concert she is attending that night and gets a bit jumbled.)

Chipper: “Oooh, I’m going to see Elvis tonight. It’s gonna be so fun.”

Church Lady: “Um, [Chipper] how are you going to Elvis? He’s been dead awhile.”

Me: “The aliens are gonna beam him down for the night.”

(Realising what she said, she starts laughing.)

Chipper: “Oh goodness, I meant I’m seeing Cliff Richard.”

Me: “How the heck do you mix those two up?”

(Apparently she had lots of fun at her concert!)

(I am in line at a convention. Having anticipated a long wait, I brought supplies to finish a plushie I am nearly done with. At one point a woman approaches me:)

Woman: “Oh, how cute! Did you make that yourself?”

Me: *looks down at the leg I am sewing onto the plushie* “…why, yes.”