(A customer in and picks out a bottle of vodka that is currently being advertised in our flyer.)

Me: “Hi! Could I please see your ID?”

Customer: “I only have a photo of it. Is that okay?”

(He holds out his phone to show me.)

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you reeeally sure?”

(I hand him a flyer.)

Me: “Well, I can give you a photo of your liquor. Is that okay?”

Customer: *glares at me and leaves*

(I work in a very specific area of the computer software services industry that can be very complicated to people who are new. Consistently, my organization is ranked as one of the top partners for one of the software giants. In addition, we have dozens of videos, case studies, and employees, including the executives and many consultants, listed within our website. I monitor the customer chat for our site.)

Me: “Hello, [Customer]. Can I help you with anything today?

Customer: “Your website tells me nothing about the personnel managing your company. Who is the head? Who are the consultants?”

Me: “Can I ask why you need the information?”

Customer: “25 years of experience in what?”

Me: “Or where specifically? We have hundreds of consultants.”

Customer: “If you need to be top secret and don’t allow potential customers to know who they are doing business with then I should look at a company that is more open. Do you have criminals at the top of the organization?”

Me: “We don’t try to hide our information. We’re more than welcome to share if you have a specific need. I can only speak for myself, but as far as I know, there are no criminals here.”

Customer: “No names, no background information as to what they have done to call themselves a consultant. Sounds sketchy to me.”

Me: “Would you like to view a few of our case studies? Or you can find a specific location with detailed information with the names of the local team members.”

Customer: “Let me call [Software Partner] to find someone who is a little more forthcoming.”

Me: “I don’t think I’ve withheld anything from your requests”

Customer: “I am going to ask [Software Partner] why you guys are hiding behind a giant wall.”

Me: “…to keep away the White Walkers, sir”

System: “Visitor exited chat.”

(I (15) and my brother (19) both have gone to a climbing gym for eight years. I love the place to death, and hope to work their one day, but at this point I’m still too young. Because I love the place so much, I’ve been on all the offered teams, and now I will sometimes hang out while my brother is working during the junior team, for kids 7-14. Because the kids can be loud and rowdy I will help out the staff, telling kids to stop doing stupid things, etc. One day, while I’m climbing in a t-shirt with the gym’s logo on it, a woman approaches with a crying child in tow. My brother works there and is a head team coach.)

Woman: “YOU!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Woman: “A man JUMPED on my son!”

Me: “Okay, does he need ice? I can go ask a member of the staff—”

Woman: “I want the man who did this BANNED from the gym. He JUMPED on my SON! I want him BANNED!”

Me: “So, ma’am, I don’t actually work here, but if your son is really hurt, I think we should talk to someone who actually works here—”

Woman: “I will report you to your manager if you don’t ban that man right now.”

Me: “I actually don’t work here.”

Woman: “Just because your lazy a** doesn’t know how to deal with this doesn’t mean your stupid a** doesn’t work here.”

(Right then, my brother and my friend walk by and the lady just starts screaming at my friend.)

Woman: “YOU! YOU INJURED MY SON! HE’S A CHESS CHAMPION! HE CAN’T PLAY WITH A BROKEN ARM!”

Friend: *starts laughing*

Woman: “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING, YOU A**HOLE! YOU BROKE MY SON’S ARM! HE CAN’T PLAY CHESS LIKE THIS!”

Friend: *to brother* “This kid was doing handstands while I was climbing. He got underneath me, he wouldn’t move, and I fell on him.” *to woman* “You want someone to blame? Blame your son.”

Woman: “WELL, HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ANY BETTER! HE’S ONLY EIGHT!”

Me: “Ma’am, this gym encourages safety, and I know for a fact that the first thing they say to the team is to be careful around other climbers, so—”

Woman: “YOU! YOU LITTLE S***! THIS EMPLOYEE WAS A TOTAL B**** TO ME AND I DEMAND HE BE FIRED!”

Brother: “Ma’am, this is not an employee. He is a regular customer, and has been for the last eight years. Now, not only has your son violated a safety policy , but you have screamed at my brother and our customers for your son’s mistake. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “MY SON IS A CHESS CHAMPION, AND HE CAN’T PLAY BECAUSE HE BROKE HIS ARM! YOU KICK THIS LITTLE S*** OUT OR I SUE!”

Brother: “All due respect, ma’am, but your son didn’t break his arm. And even if he did, you can’t sue, because you signed a waiver saying you wouldn’t.”

(The woman left the gym, screaming about chess the whole time.)

(During a test in child studies, the teacher discovers that a picture where numbered arrows point at different organs, which should be named, is somewhat difficult to work out.)

Teacher: “Arrow one points at [description of where it points]. Arrow two points at [description of where it points]. Arrow three points at the placenta…”

(She realizes that she in fact gave the answer.)

Teacher: “Oh, I guess that everyone at least gets that one right…”

(I work as a substitute in the local school district. The high school I’m subbing at has a pretty lenient policy about students leaving when there is a substitute. With permission of both teachers they may go to another teacher’s room to work on school work or get extra help provided they have completed the work assigned them by the regular teacher. Normally, I’m pretty cool about letting a few students leave if they can demonstrate they have completed what was assigned. Some students try to take advantage of this. It should be noted I’m young, average height and build, and somewhat on the nerdy side with a sarcastic sense of humor. This particular teacher also has an old chair that won’t raise properly so it sits very low.)

Me: “Okay, so you all have the assignment. It should take you most of the class period, and if you don’t finish it, it’s homework. Due first thing tomorrow.”

(One of the students approaches the desk. He’s a nice kid, but plays starting defense on the varsity football team, so he’s tall and big.)

Student: “Hey, can I go to [History Teacher]’s room? I have a history project due today I need to work on.”

Me: “But this is English. You have English you need to work on.”

Student: “Yeah, but I can do that later; I really need to work on this project. It’s due today.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you should have thought about that and planned better.”

Student: “But I thought [Absent Teacher] was just gonna give us a study hall today.”

Me: “Looks like she didn’t. I’m sorry, I can’t let you leave.”

(Student gets real close, and starts to lean in over me. I’m sitting really low, and while I don’t think he’d actually try to hit, I do feel a bit nervous.)

Student: “What if I just leave?”

Me: “What?”

Student: “What if I leave and go to [History Teacher]’s room anyway? You can’t stop me.”

Me: “You’re right; I couldn’t physically stop you from leaving the classroom.”

(Student starts to look smug, thinking he’s got me.)

Me: “But… I do have a pen.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “You can leave even though you were told no, and I can’t stop you. But I CAN use THIS pen and fill out THIS form and give it to [Disciplinary Administrator]. And then we can get his opinion on the matter. It’s your choice.”

(Student decided it was best to sit down and do his English assignment and found some other time to finish his history project.)