All of our stories, starting with the newest!
(I am a physiotherapist, working with a patient in his home. He is a wealthy older man, and is pointing to some new hearing aids he has purchased.)
Patient: “Guess how much money I put on those suckers?”
Me: “$4000?”
Patient: “$9000!”
Me: “Great! Put them on and let’s test them out!”
Patient: “H***, no! Then I’ll be able to hear my wife!”
(The customers have just asked me to write on a cake. They are a woman, Customer #1, and a man, Customer #2. After I have written on it, Customer #1 is looking at my handiwork.)
Customer #1: “Oh, wow, you have nice handwriting.”
Me: “Thank you very much.”
Customer #1: “Very steady, and good wrist work. You must make your boyfriend very happy.”
Customer #2: *obviously very shocked, he sputters and tries to say something like “you can’t say that!”*
Me: “Actually…” *holds up my left hand and points to my ring* “Wedding ring.”
Customer #1: “There, see? You made him very happy.”
(I’m working as a barista in a coffee shop. A man comes up to my counter.)
Customer: “Can I get an Americano with a single shot of espresso?”
(I send his drink into the queue and my coworker makes the drink while I continue to take orders.)
Coworker: “I got a hot Americano, single!”
Teenage Girl: *waiting for her drink* “I’ll take him!”
(The man laughed and high fived the girl before taking his coffee and leaving. My coworker and I had a good laugh about the encounter.)
(It’s two am and like most sane people, I’m asleep. I am awoken when my phone starts ringing and fumble around in the dark to answer it.)
Me: *in a groggy tone* “Hello?”
Grandmother: *accusingly* “Why are you still awake?!”
(I still have no idea why she called me.)
(I have just come home from being treated for cancer. The form of cancer I have is easily treatable and most likely gone by this point. Ever since I got diagnosed my mom has decided that it is my purpose in life to become an activist for cancer.)
Mom: “What are you doing tomorrow?”
Me: “I’m going to play video games with [Friend].”
Mom: “[Charity] is holding an event for cancer survivors. It sounds fun. You should go.”
Me: “No, thanks.”
(Two days later.)
Mom: “The [Cancer Charity] marathon is a few months from now. You should sign up now so you can start training.”
Me: “Mom, I hate running. I won’t do it.”
(Four days later.)
Mom: “[Friend Who Is A Teacher] said her school is looking for guest speakers for an assembly. Would you—”
Me: *interrupting* “No!”
(One day later…)
Mom: “[Children’s Cancer Charity] is hiring. Do you want to apply?”
(This is getting annoying and I come up with a plan.)
Me: “Will I get paid?”
Mom: “No, but think of all the people you can help.”
Me: “F*** THEM! I WANT MONEY!”
(She never brought the topic up again.)
