ISIS = Insipid Sucrose Insurgent Sect

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2017

(I am one of many baristas working for a major name coffee brand that’s known throughout the world. Being located in the state where said brand was founded, we expect to see a lot of interesting things when folk come for their much needed java. That said, I don’t think we expected for two police officers to come in one day and ask for my manager to come to the counter. I’m manning the register next to him as the following takes place.)

Officer #1: “Yeah, um… okay, we’re still not sure how to take this, but we got a 911 call from someone at this location stating that the store was a terrorist cell working to murder its patrons.”

Manager: “Really?… wow… that’s… I don’t know what to say about that. I mean, you know us [Officer #1]. You come by pretty regularly on your patrol to get coffee from us.”

Officer #1: “I know; that’s why I’m letting you know, just in case this gets escalated further. We’re pretty sure it’s a prank but… well… I mean, it’s safe to say that this was the last thing we expected dispatch to ask us to check out.”

Officer #2: “Don’t worry, we’ll report that we’ve checked you out and all seems as it should be.”

(The two officers make to leave.)

Random Customer: “Wait! Where are you going?”

(We all turn to see a tiny old lady [who I served a little while ago] staring at us with a mix of fear and anger.)

Officer #1: “Uh, I’m sorry, ma’am, can we help you with something?”

Lady: “I called you in here to stop these d*** terrorists from killing these poor, God-fearing Americans! Aren’t you going to do something?!”

Officer #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am, are you saying you’re the one who placed the call to 911?”

(The lady storms up and grabs the container of artificial sweetener on our condiments bar.)

Lady: “Look at this! Do you know what’s in these? Aspartame! Sucralose! Neotame! Chemical death in every packet! These people are terrorists, aiming to kill everyone who comes in here!”

(There is a pause as the sudden screaming causes the other customers to stop talking and see what’s going on. The lady starts pointing at random people.)

Lady: “You! You! YOU! You all put this in your coffee! You’ve let these heathens poison you! Every single one of these is death in a packet! You’re all going to die before the day is gone! This isn’t a coffee shop! It’s a d*** morgue!”

Officer #1: “Okay… well… now that we better understand what’s going on, perhaps you’d like to accompany us to our squad car, ma’am? We can put you in touch with the people who can help you further.”

Lady: “Yes! Get me the FBI! Get me the NSA! Every single one of these d*** coffee bars has these! Poisoning and killing Americans everywhere! They’re turning our country into a giant graveyard!”

Officer #1: “Yes, well, again, can you please accompany us outside?”

(The lady clings to our container of sweeteners.)

Lady: “I need this! Evidence of terrorism! Murder!”

(The officers look to us.)

Manager: “Uh… sure. Go ahead.”

Lady: “Yeah, I know who you are! You and your whole terrorist sect are finished! This will not go unanswered! All these packets! How many have you killed already?!”

(The officers finally get the lady out of the shop [with our sweeteners] and into the squad car. Officer #1 comes back in.)

Officer #1: “Okay, I am so sorry about that. We had no idea that was a serious call. We’ll make sure she doesn’t come back here again.”

Manager: “That’s fine just… wow…”

Me: “Yeah… well… it gets better.”

Officer #1: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I served her. She put four of those packets of death in her coffee!”

1 Thumbs
984
VOTES
  • Titouan Lannuzel

    O_o
    *iz speechless*

  • Lord Circe

    I wonder when the penny dropped for her that the police weren’t actually buying in to her paranoia.

    • Gratuitous Lurking

      You expect her to have the change left in there to drop though…

      • EricKei

        Had I been drinking coffee when I read this, my keyboard would now be ruined. Well said, GL, well said.

      • Samantha Phastine

        That’s a great euphemism. I salute you.

    • Me

      I’m thinking they took her in via the Brady Act.

      • Cipher

        I read that as Brandy act and had to do a double take.

  • Cole Westin

    Well then…. that was…. interesting.

  • Eme Guta

    Fake sugar does give me headaches, but I certainly don’t think it’s going to kill anyone.

    • AussieEevee

      It’s just one of those “It causes cancer” crap that pops up about EVERYTHING.

      Seriously, there isn’t a thing on earth that someone hasn’t accused it of causing cancer. I bet I can find someone that has accused water of causing cancer.

      • Mike Agney

        I’ll just leave this here.

        http://www.anorak.co.uk/288298/tabloids/the-daily-mails-list-of-things-that-give-you-cancer-from-a-to-z.html/

        Or better yet:
        http://kill-or-cure.herokuapp.com

        • AussieEevee

          “Babies”… I’m sorry, I’m laughing too hard at that list…

        • LordViking

          I think that by now it can be summed up as ‘being alive causes cancer’.

          • Kali Ravel

            True. DNA has a chance to mutate when cells divide and those mutations may accumulate into the cell becomes cancerous.

      • Michelle

        When are they gonna say that cancer causes cancer??

        • Kali Ravel

          Well, that’s true. The first cancer cells clones itself (that’s what cancer IS, an immortal, useless, endlessly replicating cell line), which is fine as long as it doesn’t press on anything vital. The problem comes when that cancer metastasises (stops being stuck in one place and starts floating around freely in the body), which gives it a better chance of blocking or pressing on something important. I picture it a bit like a fungal infestation, in the way it spreads.

      • CJ Seaton

        Hey, every person who has ever had cancer has drunk water at some point. Coincidence? I think not!

      • Kali Ravel

        Most things are mutagens. Some are more mutagenic than others.

        (Cancer is a disease of mutation; mutagens increase the chance of that happening. You get one new mutation for roughly every 15 cigarettes you smoke, for instance, which is high, and why they are a strong factor in lung cancer.)

  • mcarp555

    Sixty years ago someone like this would be screaming about “Reds” instead of terrorists. This is the result of the climate of fear that has set in since 2001, just like in Joe McCarthy’s day.

    • Kitty

      People talk about humanity having done progress… what progress? We still complain and fear the same stuff, we just changed what we called them.

      • Right, right, because those vans in London just keep losing control and plowing over people on their own, and that gay club in Orlando spontaneously materialized bullets.

        • Sim

          I think he means what we call the generic boogeyman of the day. Like how Indiana Jones was always fighting nazis.

          • Who were also a real threat, and recognized as such at the time.

        • Kitty

          Not sure what you are trying to mock here. That I am wrong or that you are, sarcastically, agreeing.

          • I’m mocking those with an ostrich approach to actual current threats, ala Islamic terrorism, and agreeing that we’re not so much more enlightened than those who sounded the alarm about the Nazi’s in the 1930-40s and the Soviet-funded Communists after that.

          • Kitty

            Still not sure what you are getting at. I’m not denying what’s been going on, I’m just saying that the label for “things to hate” has changed.

          • Yes, but the way you’re phrasing it makes it sound like you consider those who “hate” Islamic terrorism, Nazism, etc. to be irrational. Is that your intent?

          • Kitty

            Honestly? A mixture of yes and no. I’m not saying their hatred is baseless, just that the extreme ones are a bit ‘irrational’. I never take ‘extremists’ seriously because… well, they are too extreme and, frankly, appear just as dangerous as the ones they are hating on.

    • Tyler T

      [SARCASM] Except that the communism is absolutely unquestionably evil, and terrorism is just misunderstood and misguided…

  • TSBJ

    “Look at this! Do you know what’s in these? Aspartame! Sucralose! Neotame! Chemical death in every packet!”

    It’s that easy?

    I… feel like I’ve been wasting my life doing it the old fashioned way.

  • AussieEevee

    Weren’t the artificial sweeteners recently proven to NOT cause cancer?

    Either way, your choice, lady. Don’t like it? Either don’t have a sweetener or use Sugar or Stevia. Both are natural and not chemicals.

    • Tim Van Acolyen

      What do you mean by chemicals? Natural sugar is as much a chemical as artificial sugar is…

      • AussieEevee

        Sugar comes from the sugarcane plant.

        To the best of my knowledge, artificial sweeteners don’t.

        • Tim Van Acolyen

          Oh I know that, it’s just the “chemical” part that doesn’t make sense. The chemical formula for sugar (fructose) is C6H12O6. It might be natural, but it is still a chemical, just not an artificial one…

          Edit for clarity: There is no such thing as “chemical-free” food.

          • Sim

            Photosynthesis 😉

          • Tim Van Acolyen

            Dammit

        • Lisa Presley

          Stevia is a plant. The others not so much.

          • AussieEevee

            I have called Stevia a natural sweetener a few times in this thread for that reason.

        • Ross Thompson

          Or sugar beets.

      • Kryss LaBryn

        “Chemical” in the sense of requiring more processing than boiling a plant down.

        Me, I avoid artificial sweeteners because they taste gross. Even stevia leaves a weird aftertaste in my mouth that I don’t like. And when some of them have warnings on the packages that pregnant women ought to avoid them, I get leery of it (even though I happily drink alcohol, which of course pregnant women also should avoid).

        But yeah, pretty much everything is a chemical, in the scientific sense; but you know perfectly well what was meant here.

        • Tim Van Acolyen

          I didn’t know perfectly well what was meant here, that is why I asked “What do you mean”… The reason i asked was because I’ve met enough people who don’t realize that “everything is a chemical, in the scientific sense”, and who believe that chemicals are only made in labs.

          That being said, even in a non scientific sense, everything is a chemical. There is no difference whatsoever between a natural chemical and the same chemical created in a lab. In order to avoid confusion it’s better to use words like “processed”, “artificial” or “synthetic” instead of “chemical”.

          You are right about stevia though, it is absolutely gross.

          • Ross Thompson

            The same people who recently responded to a survey, agreeing with the statement “Genetically modified foods have genes; organic foods don’t”?

          • Tim Van Acolyen

            Things like that make me sad.

        • Donnell Hanog

          I’m with you on the sweeteners. Even the ones that supposedly taste just like sugar taste very different to it to me (even excluding the aftertaste).

        • Moo

          I tried that “Zevia” soda that I guess uses stevia instead of aspartame – it was disgusting. Worse than seltzer, and I hate seltzer.

          • Anne

            Some of the flavors are much better than others. I kind of like the root beer, even though I don’t normally like root beer. I normally like lemon lime, but lemon lime Zevia is horrible.

            Of course, at $1 or more per can of Zevia, it’s not really worth experimenting unless you HAVE to drink it for some reason.

        • Khlovia

          Regarding stevia’s aftertaste–you might try it in things that are naturally very sour or bitter. For me, it’s okay in things like lemonade, limeade, and coffee; no discernible aftertaste. But on cereal, for example, yeah, bleah. And it’s too pricey, until I get around to growing my own.

        • Kathryn Baggs

          Ditto. I can’t tolerate the taste. One sip and I know if there is fake sugar. I have the same reaction to that fake stuff as if I had bit into a lemon.

    • K’Zad Bhat

      I don’t know about that, but I did find out that all those years Saccharine had a cancer warning is because in the late 70s or early 80s an experiment was done in which 100 rats were given enough saccharine to equal about 600 12 oz sodas, and 14 of them got bladder cancer.

      • AussieEevee

        12oz is… what? about 500ml, I think?

        Give me the sugar content from about 300L of soft drink and I’m pretty sure I’ll have major health problems too… What outcome did they expect?!

        • K’Zad Bhat

          Standard can in the US, 355 mL. One the best sources of information on the warning and it’s travel through the legislature, though I don’t recall it detailing the experiment itself, is a book by Rich Cohen called Sweet and Low.

        • Tim Van Acolyen

          Considering that drinking about 8-9L of water is deadly, yeah I’d also say there would be major health problems :p

          • AussieEevee

            I was more thinking about the consequences of sugar, to be fair… Obesity being one such consequence.

      • Lisa Presley

        I thought this was aspartame, and 6000 cans worth per day… Re-reading time!

      • Dixie Landings

        I’ve heard they were also injecting it straight into the rats instead of having them consume it orally, which may have affected the results.

      • PimpKat

        Same way the myth of coconut oil being an all curing miracle came about 😛

      • Patrick Mccurry

        Those studies were very heavily flawed and biased. Some of those dumb studies used rats bred to develop cancer and were not allowed to ingest what they wanted. So horrible that I don’t even want to call it science at all rather than just bad science.

    • Ian Rennie

      the major sweetening ingredient in Stevia is stevioside, also known as 13-[(2-O-beta-D-Glucopyranosyl-alpha-D-glucopyranosyl)oxy]kaur-16-en-18-oic acid.

      • AussieEevee

        Why do I get the feeling you had a fight with your keyboard… and lost? 😛

        • Ian Rennie

          When I fight my keyboard we all lose 🙂

    • Emma

      The link between artificial sweeteners and cancer is tenuous but it exists. The link being that for the most part the human body cannot properly digest artificial sweeteners which leads to inflammation in the gut/stomach and increased inflammation has been linked to increased likelihood of developing cancerous cells.

      However, the amount of sweetener one would need to consume in order for it to cause a state of inflammation consistent enough to produce cancer cells is likely not to ever be consumed by an average human.

      • AussieEevee

        Your last sentence is the important one, I feel…

        When I think about if something is dangerous and could give me cancer, I think about ordinary use…

        I mean, the sun can give me cancer if I’m careless.

        • Emma

          Oh without a doubt. I definitely think the people who shriek about how you’ll die from artificial sweeteners are being dramatic, I was just noting that their drama was somewhat based in reality. Because technically it *could* give you cancer. It’s just not likely.

          • Me

            Anything can give you cancer. For example, if you go out and enjoy sunlight, you can get (skin) cancer. But if you eschew sunlight, you can get (breast/colon/pancreatic/prostate) cancer. Darned if you do, darned if you don’t.

        • Gnomer Denois

          The sun has a higher than normal probability of giving me cancer even if I’m careful (though my family history is at least of the benign variety). I have yet to attempt legislation to have it outlawed. *starts writing congress people*

    • Patrick Mccurry

      C12H22O11 isn’t a chemical in your world? (Sucrose aka table sugar.)

  • Kimber Highfill

    My vote is for either “escaped from a home” or “needs to be in one”.

  • Dante V Wynter

    I’m totally calling sugar “packets of death” from now on.

  • ShamrockStreak

    I’m now imagining some chemically-illiterate terrorist plotting ISIS’s big attack on American soil.

    “Mohammad, why do you need so much aspartame and sucralose?”

    “It’s all part of the plan, my friends! We release this into the air in Washington DC, New York and LA, and the American infidels will be dying in their thousands! They’ll be on their knees!”

    “…Mohammad, how did you do in chemistry at school?”

    “Terrible, I nearly failed. Why?”

    *whisper whisper*

    “…huh. I’ll just drop the plan and go to the shame corner, now.”

  • Yohannes Setiadji

    “I don’t understand chemistry, therefore I will assume every chemical name means POISON!!”

    • EricKei

      “Prepare to contaminate their drinking supply with Dihydrogen Monoxide!”

    • JB

      From the playbook of Jeremy Jamm. Give it a chemical name and inspire paranoia in people. Shame Tom and Leslie played him at his own game and won.

    • The Vicar

      Well, yes and no. Aspartame genuinely has some issues. For example, if you raise its temperature to… oh, I think it’s about 90°F/32°C, somewhere around there… it starts to decompose, and the products of the decomposition are definitely poisonous (although to what degree it will decompose and how much of the end products will be produced are relevant questions). Still, it might be a good idea not to leave your diet drinks lying in the car in a sunny spot for too long, or in the garage during the summer… or mix them into hot drinks like coffee, come to think of it.

      • Ana Kerie

        From what I understand you’d have to consume a crap-ton of it for it to cause any harm, though. I could be wrong on that. Then again there’s a lot of things that will harm if you overdo it. I don’t think most people would have to worry about the small amount they’d be ingesting.

        • Katrin Schirmer

          water can kill you if you drink too much of it. XD

          • Vulpis

            *And* too little. And don’t get me started on how addictive oxygen is…the withdrawl effects are 100% fatal.

        • Jonathon Side

          Ok, so you know how the story goes that one of the original ingredients in Coca Cola was cocaine? (Hence, COCA Cola…)

          I think I read once that in order to maintain the brand they HAVE to keep some cocaine in the recipe…. but it’s at such ridiculously low amounts that you’d probably die of something like liver or renal failure before you got buzzed.

          • Ross Thompson

            They use coca leaves, which are the source of cocaine, but they’re denatured, with all of the cocaine (or its precursors? I’m not sure) removed before Coca Cola get hold of it.

          • Darth Pseudonym

            It’s actually a coca leaf extract, rather than denatured leaves, but yeah, more or less.

        • LadyAnneJT

          I believe it amounted to something around 80 cans of diet soda, every day, for fifty years. I can’t remember the length of time, but that 80 cans really stuck in my mind.

          The point of the whole thing is that after 50 years, you’re probably going to have *something* wrong, and who can tolerate 80 cans of anything? As Katrin said, that much water would kill you.

          • Lemonade Prince

            There was a study done on rats where they fed the rats 100 X the recommended amount for HUMANS, not rats, for 5 years, and some of the rats got cancer. Unfortunately, this is the driving force for a lot of arguments against aspartame and most artificial sweeteners.

          • Darth Pseudonym

            Even that’s a little deceptive. The stuff isn’t going to hang around in your body for fifty years. The human body (or any mammal’s, really) is REALLY GOOD at filtering out toxic compounds; we have multiple organs devoted to the task. A tiny dose is nothing to be concerned about because your body just gets rid of it. Poisons become poisonous when you ingest enough that it overwhelms your body’s ability to neutralize and filter it.

            There are only a tiny number of toxins that can build up over time, and we tend to know them well because that quality gets so much attention. Mostly it’s the heavy metals — mercury and lead, for example. They bind chemically in your body, and your body doesn’t have any effective filtering for them, so they hang around and build up. For anything organic, we have plenty of bind-and-dispose systems, but metals aren’t something we evolved to deal with — and even then there are a number of potentially toxic metals that you almost never hear about because they either don’t easily bind inside the body, or your body can successfully flush them, so you have to have a really incredible exposure level to actually get symptoms (such as people working with it in a mining or factory setting).

        • Bonnie L

          I drink a store-brand diet cola almost every day as my treat & it has aspartame. It tastes better than the nasty stuff Pepsi started using in their diet drink. Tho I recently found they have Pepsi Max – no sugar, extra caffeine, & sweetened with aspartame. Lovely stuff!

      • Natalie

        You’d literally have to drink hundreds, if not thousands, of diet drinks A DAY in order for it to harm you. There are people who are LEGITIMATELY allergic to it though.

        • M.

          Like me, for example; just a sip of the stuff makes me break out in hives. Which, honestly, wouldn’t be notable if not for paranoid gits like this woman. I say “Allergic to aspartame,” even doctors hear “The gub’mint put fluoride in the chemtrails and now SJWs are after my aura!”

        • ViolaNut

          I wouldn’t say I’m allergic, per se, but I do get raging headaches if I drink something that contains it. 😛

          • Anne

            I get headaches from aspartame, too. Sucralose and Acesulfame K (mostly the latter) will also give me horrible headaches if I consume a full serving. I wish it were just a placebo effect, but I’ve had it happen with things that I didn’t even realize HAD these particular sweeteners in them.

        • Connie McFadden

          I wouldn’t necessarily call it an allergy, but Nutrasweet (aspartame) gives me a nasty migraine.

          • Patrick Mccurry

            Everyone with migraines have triggers and often they’re benign things like flashing lights. No one would call lights innately harmful.
            People want easy goods and bads without understanding that what’s toxic to me is fine for you and vice versa.

        • Kathryn Baggs

          I can’t touch the stuff. Not an allergy, but I can’t tolerate the taste. My face scrunches up like I had bit into a lemon.

          • Patrick Mccurry

            More than a few people can detect a bitter component to aspartame, and some get indigestion for sucralose. I LOVE aspartame more than sugar. Good thing as I’m diabetic. But sucralose has a slight milky taste to me which is not something I want in things like sodas.

      • Colin

        At high enough temperatures, aspartame *does* hydrolyze (break down) into its component amino acids (aspartic acid, methanol, and phenylalanine), but unless you have phenylketonuria, you’d have to consume absolutely ludicrous amounts of aspartame for *years* for it to have any effect on you.

      • CyNical CyNthia

        Yeah… personally, Aspartame makes me ache all over, so I don’t trust it.
        Sucralose gives me headaches, and used to give me seizure-type symptoms. Don’t trust that one, either.

        I tend to only eat sugar-less foods nowadays (doctor said it would help my mood, man did it ever), but if I want something sweet I use a natural sweetener.

        • Patrick Mccurry

          As long as you remember that just because it’s bad for you, it does not automatically mean it’s bad for everyone else. For most people those two are perfectly safe.
          I’m diabetic, so your natural sweeteners are quite toxic to me, for example.

  • Deus Ex Machina

    Until recently, the in-store product search platform where I work was called the “In Store Information System”, aka ISIS. When the computers were left unattended, they displayed “ISIS” bouncing around for all customers to see. Surprised we never got one of these calls.

    • Samantha Phastine

      Maybe your customer base is comprised of mostly ‘Archer’ fans?

  • Jackie Fauxe

    I don’t believe this story (at least not entirely), but it certainly was an enjoyable read.

    • AussieEevee

      You don’t believe people can be that whacky?

      • Jackie Fauxe

        Of course I can believe that people can be wacky. This story is just a little too over-the-top for me to believe it happened like it was presented.

        That last line is just way too perfect and doesn’t at all fit with the customer who hates artificial sweeteners so much that she allegedly called 911 to report the store that provided them as being a terrorist cell.

        Did the officers not get the caller’s name or number? Did they not know it was a woman? Since it was serious enough to “check out”, I’m surprised they didn’t take a closer look at the customers, even if they were just trying to figure out who might have used 911 as a prank–which is a crime.

        If this entire story is true, then it’s seriously surprising that there is no evidence of it beyond this anonymous story. No one recorded this screaming and ranting woman and then shared the recording? (Also, 911 calls are public record, although I could see that only being a factor if the news got involved. It is their type of story, though.)

        I think it’s more likely that the OP took some true elements (maybe from one instance, maybe multiple ones) and crafted together an entertaining story with a solid “kicker”–which, like I said, did make for an enjoyable read.

        • Rebekah

          Meh. We had one lady who was utterly convinced we were all trying to poison her. I believe it. As for no one recording it, it certainly wouldn’t have occurred to me until so far down the line I then wouldn’t consider it worthwhile to do so anymore.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            See, that I can believe in its entirety. Also, I was referring to the other Starbucks customers recording it, not the staff. I wouldn’t even expect the staff to have their phones easily available.

            Who knows, though. Maybe the OP will pop up and have a good explanation since condensing details can sometimes make a real story sound fake.

          • Rebekah

            Oh I meant as a customer it wouldn’t occur to me about recording.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            Ah, gotcha. Me either, to be honest, but, given all the viral videos we see, it does occur to a lot of people.

        • Jenni Sowvlen

          The officers wouldn’t have taken the call. Dispatch would, and then have related the necessary information out. So it’s entirely possible they were just told that a call had been made about a possible terrorist attack.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            No, I don’t think the officers took the call at all; sorry if it seemed like that. I just think that as much information about the caller as possible would have been relayed to them, and it’s odd that that might not have been the case.

            However, they had to have been told more than it was a possible terrorist attack, because they would have reacted much differently if that was the only information they had to go on.

    • I think it may have been a case of dementia.

      • Jackie Fauxe

        It could be. I wonder how that would have worked, though. Do you think she used the sweeteners, then dialed 911 unnoticed, and then waited? I can’t really see her using them after she dialed.

        It seems a bit odd that someone who calls artificial sweeteners by their chemical names (“Neotame” instead of “NutraSweet”) would use them in the first place, but maybe something went wrong for her mentally, she used the sweeteners that she hates, and that lapse triggered something worse?

        • TheMjohann

          About the dial 911 unoticed, i dont think people pay attention to other peoples phonecalls. Unless it is on the bus for some damn reason.

          • Jackie Fauxe

            Even when the word “terrorist” is being said?

    • Lou Miller

      When I worked for a Kraft Food call center I got a call from a guy claiming the CIA was poisoning his coffee by spraying coffee fields with poison.

      • Jackie Fauxe

        I hope you sent him a coupon.

  • Maggie Black
  • Kitty

    “Lady. Shut. The Ever-Loving S***. Up.”
    Also, you FEAR god and yet claim that YOU are the good ones? Sorry, I find that hilarious, for some reason. ‘We are good because we are terrified of being punished by our lord’.

    • Well, I guess I know what the idiotic anti-theist theme of the week is. “Fearing God, hur hur.”

      • Kitty

        I wouldn’t call it a theme or even a week thing; a good portion of the Christian faith never made sense to me because they basically threaten you with it. “Do good or else”. But then, I can’t think of a single type of religion I have come across up to now that made sense to me.

        • The Christian faith basically says, “God loves you so much that you only get into h*ll over his dead body.” Heck, the whole Protestant Revolution was based on the idea that God knows that we can’t live perfect lives, and forgives those who are simply willing to trust him and be faithful to him. Moreover, the Bible is explicit that God doesn’t want slaves who grovel in fear, but children who truly choose to love both him and each other.

  • Ainoko_Ironrose
  • StephBWFern

    MY friend is a police officer in a rich-ish, white-ish area of Sydney. His station gets calls not infrequently from little old ladies claiming that hey have spotted “terrorists”, who usually turn out to be just women wearing hijabs trying to do their grocery shopping.

  • johnnyboyjohn

    So….. suicide then.

  • johnnyboyjohn

    BTW, she’s not that far from wrong. Why don’t they offer Sweet Leaf Stevia? 100 percent pure stevia which is actually good for you.

    • robindaybird

      In order for the artificial stuff to kill, you have to guzzle about a 100 cans a day for fifty years, about the same amount for regular sugar.

  • HeadlessGhostOfAbrahamLincoln

    Large black, hold the crazy

  • Scott O

    You could see the last line as proving her point, rather than the “irony” it was intended to be.

  • RyderOrRiot1

    What a strange coincidence that this is posted on 9/11 🤔

    • Lou Miller

      Most likely the mods saved it for today.

  • Jenna

    Is this…is this for real? *checks date*

    Definitely not April.

    Wtaf?

  • Janice Anne Garrido

    That must sound funny and/or annoying to most people. But she could be schizophrenic. I know people who have mental problems. This ailment is very much misunderstood. It is actually sad.

    • ShamrockStreak

      Or maybe, just maybe, she was just a mad old bat.

    • That was my thought too. Heck, half the stories on this site seem to involve the mentally ill. I still chuckled, though.

    • Sal

      That’s actually an excellent point. Laughing at a racist, an entitled jerk, a bully, a scammer, a liar and similar miscreants, especially when they receive their comeuppance, is what this site’s about.
      Laughing at someone who genuinely has mental issues though – while it’s not nearly as bad as actually mocking them to their faces, your point is still valid.

    • Janice Anne Garrido

      To be honest, I laughed too. I’m not an angel. Just later that the self-questioning came, “wait a second,… one can only be mentally ill or unstable to be like that, right?”.

      • Sal

        “To be honest, I laughed too. I’m not an angel.”
        Likewise. However, your post persuaded me to rethink and delete a comment I thought was funny at the time I posted it.

  • Kimi

    Reminds me of a lady about 10 years ago who made the rounds to all the doctor’s offices every few months. She was concerned about fluoride being used in the water and wanted the support of the doctors to ban it in the upcoming election. The only thing is the election she was talking about was held in the 1970’s, and she also thought she was *in* the 1970’s. She was always very polite about it though – usually you just had to agree to vote the correct way and she wouldn’t come back for a few months again. She finally stopped so I think she must have passed on, poor lady.

  • CourageousConservative

    I trust that these officers did not detain this woman. She has the freedom to believe what she wants to believe in even if she is wrong!

    • Donnell Hanog

      Wasting emergency resources and disturbing the peace are, however, crimes.

    • ahnation

      She doesn’t have the freedom to file false reports and use up police resources.

  • George Gidley
  • Royce Ellen Hamel

    Not only do I love the snarkiness of this comment section – the amount of science being thrown around makes me very happy.
    I’m just going to continue drinking my coffee with, dare I say it, SPLENDA. 🙂

    • beacon80

      You’re a loose cannon! Living life on the edge!

  • Holly

    I hope that the people the officers put her in touch in order to help her further were some mental health professionals.

  • CyNical CyNthia

    Regardless of the bats*¡t insane woman’s ramblings, artificial sweeteners are usually not healthy… but then again, sugar is no better.

    • Pisces

      Sugar is healthier than the artificial stuff

  • Vulpis

    Okay….artificial sweeteners are nasty crap to the point that some ‘diet’ drinks make me nauseous, but I wouldn’t go *quite* that far….