(A group of my friends and I are stepping out of my dorm to head to dinner together when I notice my friend is not outside with us.)
Me: “Wait, guys… Where’d Christian go?”
Friends: “I don’t know? Someone text him.”
(The formerly missing friend arrives.)
Me: “There you are, for a second I thought you had Christian Baled on us.”
(Cue moans from all friends within earshot.)
(It is near Christmas. I am a student at the local university campus travelling home for the holidays and waiting for my bus when a complete stranger, a middle-aged woman, walks up to the bus stop.)
Stranger: “Do you know when the bus arrives?”
Me: “Sure, it’s ten more minutes.”
Stranger: “Okay.”
(The stranger takes a seat in the bus stop shelter. A few minutes pass.)
Stranger: “So, are you full of s***?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Stranger: “I know what you kids are like. You’d better have pooped before getting on the bus! It’s no good if you’re walking around with a bunch of turds in you!”
(I was so creeped out I decided to take a later bus.)
(My friend has recently moved into my house and lives in my spare bedroom. We are sitting on my couch one evening watching TV while using our laptops. I notice a status update she has posted on Facebook.)
Friend: “[My Name] is the best roommate ever!”
Me: *commenting* “I’m not lowering the rent.”
Friend: *commenting as well* “D***.”
(My best friend and I are watching a very popular anime. We are up to the part where one of the male characters emerges from the puppet he was hiding in so you see him for the first time and he turns out to be quite handsome.)
Best Friend: “Dear lord, he’s magnificent!”
Me: “How could anyone resist that fabulous red hair and come-hither eyes?”
Best Friend: “I bet his hair feels like dandelion fluff!”
Me: *laughing* “What?”
Best Friend: *also laughing* “I have no idea what dandelion fluff feels like but that’s probably what it would feel like.”
Me: “Yeah, dandelion fluff hair makes all the girls’ ovaries quiver with only a single glance.”
This story is part of our Anime roundup!
Read the next Anime roundup story!
Read the Anime roundup!
(A friend has asked me over to his house to help him with some repairs to his garden fence. An hour into it our conversation has begun to drift to a variety of subjects, including my friend’s ‘solution’ to clearing the rest of the debris from his garden.)
Friend: “Maybe I should just buy a can of petrol and set fire to it all. It’d be so quick and easy. One match and WHOOSH! All gone!”
Me: “Ah, ‘explosion’. From the original Latin for ‘Oh God! My eyebrows!’ I believe.”
(My friend stops in mid-stroke with his paintbrush, and his brow creases in confusion.)
Friend: “…really?”
Me: “No, [Friend], not really.”
(The scary part? My friend has a PhD in mechanical engineering, with which he is employed to design power stations for a living. Hopefully he never has to learn more about explosions!)
