(I work with one of my close friends, and sometimes when it’s quiet we will occasionally get to talking about some pretty weird things. We are chatting about hobbies.)

Friend: “Scuba diving is like an orgasm. It’s a lot of work but it’s always satisfying.”

Me: “Hah, like the quote, ‘Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.'”

Friend: “And best when it’s hot!”

Me: “Though, boring sex is a lot worse than boring pizza.”

(There’s a long pause while we work.)

Friend: “Also, cheese only works on pizza.”

Me: “Ick. Yeah, the metaphor no longer works.”

Friend: “Though, in both cases you can never have enough salami!”

(My roommates live in a four person quad room. They kept me up at three am with their chatter, and I am woken up at nine am on a weekend by the sound of them watching TV in the same room I’m sleeping in. I have just groggily stepped out of the bathroom.)

Roommate: “Sorry if I woke you up!”

Me: *trying to be polite* “That’s all right. I usually get up at this time—”

Roommate: “I hope I didn’t call you too early!”

(I put on my glasses and realize that she is on the phone.)

(I’m on a Caribbean cruise with a group of friends. Today we’re stopping in Cozumel, México. We’ve pre-booked an activity for the day, but we can’t remember whether or not food is included. It should be noted that Friend #2 is known for being a picky eater, and is also known for his lack of worldly knowledge. The following discussion ensues:)

Friend #1: “Is lunch included with this excursion, or are we going to just go find a taco stand or something?”

Friend #2: *angrily* “I’m not going to eat México’s tacos!”

(We all burst into laughter, although Friend #2 doesn’t seem to be quite sure why.)

Me: “Well, then, whose tacos are you going to eat?”

Friend #2: “Um… I like Taco Bell!”

(A nine-year-old girl I babysit is an avid cartoonist and enjoys making up new characters. Since her superheroes are kids, most of her other characters are small as well. Unlike this one:)

Girl: “The Monkey-Faced Chimp Boy is like the size of… [My Name]!”

Me: “Is that big or little?”

Girl: “… BIG.”

(I am a large woman, but I am quite graceful and a pretty good dancer. I typically have a good time at these swing dances, but always encounter at least one jerk who doesn’t want to dance with the ‘fat girl.’ This night was no exception.)

Jerk: “Man, all of the girls tonight are newbies. None of them know how to Lindy!”

Me: “Oh, I love the Lindy Hop! It’s one of my favorites! Want to dance next song?”

Jerk: *snorts* “As IF I would dance with a cow like you! Stop trying to impress me by lying. I’m not interested.”

(At that moment, my friend, who is one of my favorite dance partners, walks by and stops dead in his tracks.)

Friend: “I’ll dance with you, [My Name].”

Jerk: “Come on, dude. She can’t dance!”

Friend: “I’ll take my chances.”

(We went out to the middle of the floor and we did a very complicated routine, all the while not breaking eye contact with the jerk. About half an hour later…)

Jerk: “So… do you want to—”

Me: “Nah. Remember, I can’t dance!”