(My best friend and I are in art class. At the moment the class is watching ‘The DaVinci Code.’ My friend leaves to go to the bathroom. When she gets back…)
Friend: “So, what did I miss?”
Me: “Gandalf beat JARVIS with a stick.”
(I work as a security guard at a local plant and mostly deal with truck drivers. I have been hit on by said truck drivers countless times and I constantly complain about it to my friends. One evening, while hanging out, one of my guy friends is trying to say it isn’t so bad and that he wished people had the confidence to hit on him.)
Friend: “I wish people were desperate enough to hit on me.”
(He sees the look myself and our other friends give him.)
Friend: “No, that’s not what I meant!”
(I work security at several low income housing developments. The officer that I replaced had quit because he had been hired on to the city’s police department, after years as security at this one particular development. The officer gets a call for a disturbance at [Address]. He pulls up in the big white car with words ‘Police Department’ on the side, and the obnoxiously bright blue lights on top. Of course, after years in the community, he knows everyone there. The officer walks up to the loudest of the troublemakers.)
Officer: “[Resident], can you tell me what exactly is going on?”
Resident: “Get the f*** out of here, security! Mind your own f****** business.”
(At this point, everyone else involved can foresee what is about to happen, and wants absolutely no part in the consequences, and begins to slowly back away!)
Officer: “[Resident], I asked if you could please tell me what’s going on.”
Resident: “Get out of here, Security, before I f*** you up!” *walks over and tries to strike [Officer]*
(The officer easily avoids the blow, performs a controlled take-down, cuffs Resident, and begins walking Resident to the very obvious police car. Understanding suddenly dawns on the dim-witted troublemaker.)
Resident: “Wait. You’re a cop?!”
Officer: *as he puts the resident in the car* “Yes, and now you are under arrest for not only ‘public disturbance,’ but ‘assaulting a police officer,’ and ‘resisting arrest.'”
(Needless to say, everyone else was an open book about the incidents of the night.)
(My neighbor has a cat that he lets wander around, and barely lets it in to eat. The cat gets into fights with other cats, and I see it limping around, injured.)
Me: “Maybe you shouldn’t let your cat out anymore. The noise from it fighting other cats wakes me up in the middle of the night.”
Neighbor: *airily* “Cats are supposed to be outdoors! It’s natural for them to scrap. Plus, wounds heal naturally.”
(One day, when arriving home, I see my neighbor’s cat horribly injured, with a gaping wound on it’s side. It is obviously in a lot of pain. Being 12, I ask my mother if I should say something to the neighbor, but my mom, not wanting to confront the neighbor, says to mind my own business. I feel very sorry for the cat, which is very friendly. Weeks pass, and the poor cat is still barely struggling along, its injuries now heavily infected with pus. I go pet it gently, then notice a note tied to its collar. It wasn’t there yesterday, so I know it must’ve been put today. Curious, I open it.)
Note: “This is your neighbor. If YOU DON’T GET THIS CAT HELP, I’M CALLING THE POLICE! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THIS POOR CAT TO SUFFER!”
(I showed my neighbor the note that was on his cat, and he looked surprised. The next day, the cat was walking around with bandages from the vet. Thank you, other neighbor, whoever you are!)
(I’m at home with my boyfriend and our roommate.)
Roommate: *looking at my bf’s shirt* “That is an awesome shirt! I’m really jealous that you have that shirt.”
Boyfriend: “Thanks.”
Roommate: “If it ever goes missing and you never see it again, you’ll know why.”
Me: “Unless he sees you wearing it.”
Roommate: “Well, it’s kind of like finding a huge pile of drugs; you sit on it until they forget about it.”
Me: “There’s one major difference between [Boyfriend] and drug cartels. [Boyfriend] will never forget who stole that shirt.”
