Everyone Fears The Ruthless Spa Shark

In my city, there are tons of cute boutiques and specialty shops that do really well during the summer, but when winter comes, business drops like flies. I have to find some affordable gifts for two of my sisters, and I decide I will support the local businesses in my area and find something unique and different for the two of them.

There are two bath-and-body-type shops within a one-block radius of each other: [Spa Shop] and [Lotion Shop].

[Spa Shop] is this ritzy-looking place, and I’ve always been curious about it, so I bring a coworker friend of mine to tag along to help me with her opinions on gift giving.

No sooner have we entered [Spa Shop] than a swarm of sharks begins circling us like bloody bait. I have worked in commissionable-based sales, and you can easily spot the sharks within a thirty-mile radius. Sharks are the ones that even fellow salespeople hate because they will attack, chew, and gobble up any competing salesperson that gets in the way of a potential customer. Unfortunately, the prey is my friend and me.

The most Ruthless Shark of them all closes in, hopped up on twelve shots of espresso and God knows what the skeevy street corner dealer is selling today. Her behavior is downright insane. She actually shoves her way past fellow coworkers to get to us. I’m pretty sure she even would have raised her leg on us just to mark her territory if she thought she could get away with it.

Ruthless Shark: “Ode de Lavatory?”

She douses a card with a generous spray of perfume.

Ruthless Shark: “Made from the finest essential oils and gathered from the bowels of Antarctica.” 

I take a whiff of the foul odor and inhale the aroma of human sewage. I cringe.

Friend: “Peeyew! It smells like fermented s***!”

One of the reasons I brought her along is that I admire her honesty. The Ruthless Shark ignores her comments and starts to bombard us with questions. She is out for blood and she chomps on my leg and refuses to let go.

Ruthless Shark: “You’re looking for a gift? We have bath salt sets. We have lotion sets. We have body wash sets. We have seaweed scrub sets. We have skincare sets.”

It is nearly like listening to a toddler trying to be a grown-up and being a caricature in ways that are definitely not adorable. “You buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Give me a sale! Give me a sale! Give me a sale!”

Me: *Frowning* “Um, I’m just looking.”

I pull my friend with me and we start perusing the shelves for affordable lotions and soaps, but the Ruthless Shark still stalks around waiting for her next meal. Pulling a tiny box of lotion from the shelf, I look for the price and become surprised to find none.

Then, it dawns on me. [Spa Shop] is smart. They don’t want to tell you the price because they want you to spend hundreds of dollars without knowing it. Well, I’m on a budget, so I’m going to be careful about what I spend.

Ruthless Shark runs up to me the instant she spots a product in my hand.

Ruthless Shark: “That’s an oil-based product, great for the skin and curing wrinkles!”

Me: “How much?”

She looks at me like I’ve offended her.

Ruthless Shark: “Don’t worry about the price! It’s worth it to spoil your family, right?”

I stare at her until she reluctantly admits:

Ruthless Shark: “It’s $50!”

Friend: “$50?! What, is it made up of clubbed seals and skinned pelts of polar bears? No, thank you!”

I put back the box on the shelf. In response, the Ruthless Shark starts pulling all sorts of products and tossing them at me.

Ruthless Shark: “This is for skin! This is for the body! This is for the bath! This smells good! Only $200!”

By this point, I’m so turned off that my friend and I start to leave. The Ruthless Shark is still not finished with us. She basically blockades the entrance and hands me her card.

Ruthless Shark: “You come back to me!”

She tells us before letting us pass:

Ruthless Shark: “I’m [Ruthless Shark]! You buy from me next time you come in!”

We flee the building faster than a screaming mob at a Black Friday sale.

Luckily, we’ve made it out alive. Disgusted with [Spa Shop], we head down to [Lotion Shop] a block away where a nice young college girl greets us.

College Girl: “Hello. If you need any help, let me know.”

Grateful that we weren’t being pressured, we browsed the store and scored some awesome deals on soaps and lotions. I was able to put together a bath and body set for both of my siblings for under $10 compared to the $400 I might have been suckered to spend at [Spa Shop].