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Crazy Wide Time Span

| Working | November 13, 2013

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Driven By Stupidity

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Related | November 13, 2013

(My cousin and I are in the backseat. We’re on our way to Halloween party, talking about the Amish.)

Me: “Did you know that the Amish can’t play music?”

Cousin: “Even in their cars?”

Me: *facepalm*

The Situation Has Gone Right Down The Toilet

| NJ, USA | Related | November 13, 2013

(My younger sister is three years old. We’re all sitting down to dinner, when she excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She comes back into the kitchen with no pants or underpants on.)

Mom: “[Sister’s Name], where are your pants?”

Sister: “They’re in the bathroom… I made a mess.”

(Mom goes off to check, and comes back.)

Mom: “[Sister’s Name], I don’t see your pants in the bathroom.”

Sister: “They’re in there.”

Mom: “Where?”

Sister: *proudly* “I flushed them down the toilet!”

(It cost $800 in plumbing bills to fix the damage!)

Raised On Monkey Business

| PA, USA | Related | November 13, 2013

(I am 34 years old, busty, and a mother. My mother is a bit of a prude and easily flustered, though it’s usually in good fun. She has just come over to my apartment to check in on her way to my grandmother’s apartment next door.)

Mom: “Are you wearing a bra?”

Me: “Nope!”

Mom: “I hope you didn’t go out in public like that.”

Me: “Hate to break this to you, Mom, but I’m old enough to develop my own sense of decency. And as long as my privates are not viewable by the general public, it makes no difference if they are holstered or not.”

Mom: “Please tell me you’re at least wearing underwear.”

Me: “Yes… until my period’s over.”

Mom: “Ew! God, you’re disgusting. How did something like you ever come from my loins?”

Me: “Well, you see, when a man and a woman think they love each other very much, it doesn’t matter if they hate each other thirty years down the road, so they agree to an exchange of bodily fluids—”

Mom: “SHUT IT! You’re deplorable; just like your father!”

Me: “So that’s why I look just like him. Remember, though, that you raised me!”

Mom: “That’s debatable. I’m thinking it was a bunch of monkeys.”

Me: “Hungry for lice, mom? Is that dinner tonight?”

Mom: *laughing* “That’s enough! Go to your room!”

Me: “Love you, too! See you tomorrow!”

Win, Lose, Or Draw-ing Obvious Conclusions

| Herefordshire, England, UK | Related | November 13, 2013

(Mum is playing a scrabble game on her iPad.)

Mum: “Aw no, I lost! The other player scored more than me.”

Me: “Hey, are you playing with the computer or another person?”

Mum: “I’m playing against myself.”

Me: “So let me get this straight: you are sad that you lost a game you played with yourself, despite the fact that you also won against yourself, and it was inevitable that it would happen?”

Mum: “Umm…”

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