Conspiring Against The Conspiracy Theorist

We have a customer who seems to believe every crazy conspiracy theory under the sun. Q Anon, Flat Earth, microchips in vaccines — you name it, he’s into it. On its own, that wouldn’t be so bad — you get used to the crazies in retail — but this guy likes to proclaim the latest attack on America by the lizard people loudly and annoyingly, ruining the shopping experience of the other customers.

As far as we can tell, he’s not mentally ill. He’s just… intentionally misinformed.

Today, he is being served by my manager.

Manager: “Would you like to purchase a bag today for ten cents?”

Customer: “You know they put oil in the plastic, right?”

Manager: “Well, yes. Plastic is made from carbon—”

Customer: “So you do know! That oil gets into our fingers and then into our blood to make us more docile and obedient!”

Manager: “I’m sure that’s not true.”

Customer: “Yeah, because you believe what they tell you to believe!”

Manager: “I just want to know if you’d like to purchase a bag—”

Customer: “I’m not paying for something that will turn me into a sheep!”

Manager: “So you have your own bag?”

Customer: “They got those oils from the moon, you know.”

Manager: *Giving up and deciding to just roll with it* “The moon isn’t real!”

Customer: “Huh?”

Manager: “They invented the concept of the moon and moon landing to keep you all focused on the wrong thing! It’s not whether the moon landing happened or not, but whether the moon is real in the first place!”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Manager: “The moon is just a collective hallucination that’s transmitted to the brain of every human to test how receptive they are to their… signals. When they need us to be extra compliant, they boost the signal, and we all see a full moon. The moon is the test image!”

Customer: “Where did you hear this?”

Manager: “I couldn’t tell you. If I did, they might go after you, too. So, cash or credit?”

Customer: “You’d think I’d be stupid enough to trust a credit card? I use cash!”

Manager: “Ah, yes, the paper money. The chemicals in the paper are how they help get the signals into our brains. The economy is just a tool they use to get the chemicals in your hands! None of it is real!”

Customer: “That’s crazy! I think you’re mocking me, aren’t you?”

Manager: “There’s absolutely no way I could add any extra embarrassment in your direction, sir. Do you want your receipt?

The customer now clearly just wants to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “Good, because they’re also not real.” *Pauses* “Just like me…”

Then, suddenly, in a magical piece of timing that I have never seen before and will likely never see again, my manager ducks under the counter just as soon as the customer turns around to glare back at him. The customer’s face goes white when he sees the manager is nowhere to be seen.

Customer: “Where did he go?!”

Me: “Where did who go?”

Customer: “The guy! The guy was standing right there!”

Me: “I didn’t see anyone.”

The customer’s eyes widened, and he looked around nervously before scurrying off. We probably added fuel to his conspiracy theories, but… worth it.