(I am a supervisor at a popular coffee chain. I had just started counting some product when I realized I had left my clipboard on the counter.)

Me: *to manager nearby* “Hey could you grab me that thing?” *makes dramatic reaching motions towards the clipboard*

Manager: “Um, sure.” *hands it to me with a look*

Me: “Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks…”

Manager: *mishears me* “Well, at least you’re honest about your choices…”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Manager: “You just said it was from all the weed.”

Me: “…No.”

(We run an unannounced evacuation drill of our sizable office building in the middle of April. The weather isn’t ideal, but it isn’t absolutely horrible, either. Employees provide feedback, and the feedback gets passed around.)

Coworker: “So, it seems that among our feedback is the suggestion that we have coats stashed near the evacuation points, as well as someone to hand them out. Y’know; in case employees couldn’t grab theirs and the weather is bad.”

(I have had a cold and my voice, which is already very low pitched, has now become a gravelly basso profundo.)

Computer Voice: “Would you like to pay your bill now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Computer Voice: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

Me: *rumbling louder* “Yes!”

Computer Voice: “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand you. I will transfer you to an associate now.”

Human: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like to pay my bill.”

Human: “Yes, I can take care of that for you, but there is a $5 fee if you don’t use our automated services.”

Me: “Yes, I know, but I tried that and it wouldn’t understand me.”

Human: “Um…” *short pause to think about that* “Okay, I think I can waive the fee for that.”

Me: “That would be nice.”

(They dropped the voice recognition not long after.)

(I’m stationed at the front door as a greeter, and I also answer questions about our deals and policies and such. Our bathroom is in an odd place, and a lot of people ask me where they are. Towards the middle of a nine-hour shift, I decide to have some fun with people.)

Guest #1: “Excuse me, could you tell me where your bathroom is?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that information is confidential.”

Guest #2: “Is there a bathroom I can use?”

Me: “We do have a bathroom but you’re not allowed to use it. Everyone else can but not you, sorry.”

(Everyone I did this to was amused, and I of course always directed them to the bathroom.)

(I’ve had a pretty rough day so far. In order to cheer myself up, I ride my bike to a gas station to buy some snacks.)

Station Attendant: “I am sorry, ma’am, but I am afraid that your vehicle emission level is too low. You would have to leave and come back in a vehicle with higher emissions.”

Me: *confused* “Seriously?”

Station Attendant: “No, just joking. By the way, my vehicle would not have enough emissions, as well.”

Me: “You ride a bike, too? Cool!”

(Later, as I am checking out:)

Station Attendant: “Now press the green button. Now enter your PIN. Now, put your thumb on the fingerprint scanner.”

Me: *confused* “What scanner?” *then I realize he is joking again*

Station Attendant: “Now, stare right here into the retinal scanner. By the way, you should wait a couple minutes before leaving the store, because you were just blinded by the laser.”

(This was a somewhat weird, but really funny encounter with a customer service rep. Thank you, attendant guy, for making my day a little brighter!)