(I’ve had a pretty rough day so far. In order to cheer myself up, I ride my bike to a gas station to buy some snacks.)

Station Attendant: “I am sorry, ma’am, but I am afraid that your vehicle emission level is too low. You would have to leave and come back in a vehicle with higher emissions.”

Me: *confused* “Seriously?”

Station Attendant: “No, just joking. By the way, my vehicle would not have enough emissions, as well.”

Me: “You ride a bike, too? Cool!”

(Later, as I am checking out:)

Station Attendant: “Now press the green button. Now enter your PIN. Now, put your thumb on the fingerprint scanner.”

Me: *confused* “What scanner?” *then I realize he is joking again*

Station Attendant: “Now, stare right here into the retinal scanner. By the way, you should wait a couple minutes before leaving the store, because you were just blinded by the laser.”

(This was a somewhat weird, but really funny encounter with a customer service rep. Thank you, attendant guy, for making my day a little brighter!)

(I am the administrative executive for my office, but, as we do not have an in-house IT person, I sometimes troubleshoot the simpler issues.)

Colleague: “[My Name], I can’t turn on my computer! I keep pressing and pressing the power button and still there’s no light! I don’t know what to do! It was fine yesterday but it’s not today!”

(At this point, my colleague is wringing her hands and getting increasingly shrill. I walk over to her desk and see the problem immediately.)

Me: “[Colleague], your main power switch is not on. That’s why your computer cannot be turned on.”

Colleague:“Oh, to save electricity I turned off the main switch yesterday before I went home. So, if I turn that on, I can turn on my computer?”

Me: “…Yes.”

Me: “Hey, [General Manager], can I dye my hair purple?”

General Manager: “How purple?”

Me: “Really purple.”

General Manager: “Like the color of Barney?”

Me: “No, not Barney colored!”

General Manager: “I’ll let you dye your hair if everyone can call you Barney.”

Me: “I’d like a medium vanilla coffee, please.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry, we don’t have vanilla. We only have hazelnut, pumpkin spice, and French vanilla.”

(I’m a manager at a small grocery store and we have just hired a few cashiers. I am the one who has to train them and most are getting the hang of it… except one.)

Cashier: “[My Name], call line one.”

Me: *picking up* “Yes?”

Cashier: “So, this customer has bananas. What do I do?”

Me: “Look for the PLU on the sticker. And if there aren’t any stickers, look it up in your binder.”

Cashier: “Oh, okay.” *10 seconds later* “[My Name], call line one.”

Me: “Yes?”

Cashier: “What’s the PLU for oranges?”

Me: “Like I said before, put in the PLU on the sticker or look it up in the binder.”

Cashier: “Oh, right.”

Cashier: “[My Name], call line one.”

Me: “Yes?”

Cashier: “I can’t find the number for oranges. Can’t you just tell me?”

(Since I’ve worked there so long, I know most of the PLUs by memory but we’re supposed to make the new cashiers look up all PLUs to give them practice.)

Me: “I’ll be right out.”

(I go out to help her. I physically show her where the PLU for oranges are.)

Cashier: “Thanks!”

(I start to leave.)

Cashier: “Wait!” *holds up head of cabbage* “What’s the number for lettuce?”