(I work in the section next to our busiest doors to the outside. I say ‘Hi!’ and ‘Bye!’ in succession to people going in and out, until one time when, with a cheery smile, I said:)
Me: “Die!”
(Luckily I don’t think anyone noticed my use of the wrong consonant!)
(I am working the door at a karaoke bar, which is perfect for me because I love to break out into song at random times. Because we have a couple unruly patrons, the cops are called. When the officers arrive, I am outside on a smoke break and decide to have a little fun at them.)
Me: *singing* “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy…”
Police Officer: *without missing a beat, sings right back at me* “I fought the law, but the law won. I fought the law, but the law won!”
(My office doesn’t have any on-site IT professionals, so one of my additional duties is to check our servers every day for problems and alert IT. One day, I notice one of our main servers has crashed, so I reboot it and send out the necessary e-mails so IT can dial in remotely and see if anything vital was damaged. This was the e-mail exchange.)
Manager: “Why don’t we have some kind of mechanism in place to alert IT as soon this happens?”
IT Manager: “We do have a mechanism in place. It’s [My Name] checking it every day and letting us know what’s happening.”
Manager: “Oh. Then I guess everything’s working as it should.”
(Nice to know everyone considers me just a ‘mechanism.’)
(I’m trying to apply for a position but it requires me to be logged in. Due to the fact that I don’t use the website very often I have forgotten my password. I write an email.)
Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Could you please help? I cannot change my password online.”
IT: “Please click ‘forgot my password.'”
Me: “Unfortunately, I cannot change my password using this method as it also states that my username is incorrect.”
IT: “Please contact the online help.”
Me: “I cannot do this as it requires me to log in.”
IT: “Sorry, can’t help you.”
(The helpdesk then refused to respond to any of my emails. Very helpful!)
(I interview for a position in a company. The company seems disorganised, and the interview process is very poor. I eventually get a call back.)
Caller: “Hi, is this [My Name]?”
Me: “Speaking.”
Caller: “This is [Caller] from [Company]. I’m calling about your interview.”
Me: “Okay, yes.”
Caller: “We would like to make you an offer of amount [£1000 above my asking rate].”
Me: “Oh, great. No thanks.”
Caller: “Sorry, did you say no? It’s more than you asked for. Have you found another job?”
Me: “No, no. I’m still looking.”
Caller: “So why are you refusing the job?”
Me: “Well. to be honest with you, despite the fact that you left me waiting around for nearly quarter of an hour, and despite that I was subject to a quiz that I wasn’t warned nor prepared for, the job requirement and what you expect for the applicant just don’t match up.”
Caller: “I don’t follow.”
Me: “You say you are looking for an engineer, but looking around and talking to your staff, you need a manager there. I just don’t think I can make the difference you need in that role.”
(I’m beaming inside, as that sounded (out loud at least) like an intelligent technical response, completely pulled out of the air. I know I can do the manager job, but it is a different pay scale completely.)
Caller: “Well, you could do those bits on top of your normal job..”
Me: “Unpaid, unrecognised, and not on the job description?”
Caller: “Err, yes, that does sound a bit silly, doesn’t it?”
(I wrap up the call. She states that she will go away and talk to her boss. I get another call.)
Caller: “Hi, [My Name]. I spoke to my boss who said that he can change the job description to include those extra roles.”
Me: “The same title?”
Caller: “Yes.”
Me: “No extra money?”
Caller: “Err… yes.”
Me: “No, I don’t think so.”
Caller: *sounding deflated* “Oh.”
(I didn’t hear anything from that company again, but I kept getting called from several different recruiters, telling me how perfect I would be for that role and how urgent it is that they get someone, but never any more money and always the same title.)
