(I went into work despite having a cold. By the time I’m leaving, I’m feeling my fever come back and my manager gives me some cold medicine.)
Manager: “[My Name], do you work tomorrow?”
Me: “Yeah, I close.”
Manager: “Will you be alive?”
Me: “I hope so. But, if I die, I’ll call and let you know.”
Direct Supervisor: “Did you ever see the movie Alive?”
Me: “Yeah…?”
Direct Supervisor: “You know how they have to eat people to survive?”
Me: “Uh-huh…”
Direct Supervisor: “If that ever happened, and we’re in a plane crash together, I would not eat you. You don’t have much to bring to the table.”
Me: “Can I get a pitcher of sangria?”
Employee: *confused* “I’m sorry; I don’t think… Yeah, we don’t do that.”
Me: *more confused* “Okay, thanks. I’ll find something else.”
(I go back to looking at the menu, which clearly lists pitchers of sangria. Two minutes later…)
Employee: “Wait, did you mean like drink pitchers? I thought you meant like a picture! Like you wanted to know what it looked like or something! I was so confused! Yeah… We do drink pitchers. I’ll get you one. I’m sorry, I was so confused!”
Me: “…It’s that kind of day, isn’t it?”
(The sangria was lovely, and I couldn’t blame her! It was Friday afternoon by the beach; she was ready to be done! Still, though… Who asks for a PICTURE of a drink?)
(I’ve been a customer with the major phone, Internet, and TV suppliers for five years, and had all sorts of issues over the time. With prices going up every year I’ve had enough and phone to cancel.)
Me: “I would like to cancel my subscription.”
Agent #1: “Oh, okay. Would that be to your phone, Internet, or TV package?”
Me: “All of them.”
Agent #1: *surprised* “What, everything?”
Me: “Yes, I just don’t see the benefit. Prices keep going up, yet you offer nothing new.”
Agent #1: “I, err, one moment, please.”
(She puts me on hold.)
Agent #1: “Okay, so, I have talked to my manager, and he has told me that if you cancel your HD package but keep the rest, you can save £15 a month. Should I make those changes?”
Me: “Oh, no, thank you. Please cancel my account.”
Agent #1: “But you will be missing out on all your favourite shows?!”
Me: “I know, please cancel my account.”
Agent #1: “I, err, can I put you on hold again?”
Me: “Okay, sure.”
(I wait even longer, when:)
Agent #1: “Okay, so, my manager has offered to reduce the amount even more. I can give you a saving of £20 a month.”
Me: “No, thank you. Please cancel my account.”
Agent #1: “But you will lose everything.”
Me: “I know. As I said, I am fine with this.”
Agent #1: “Well, let me transfer you.”
(I wait again.)
Manager: “I understand that you are having trouble paying your bill.”
Me: “What? No. I just don’t want my subscription anymore.”
Manager: “If you do, you will miss out on all our quality programming.”
Me: “Look, to be honest, everything I watch is free to air. I get no benefit from you, and the issues I have had over the last five years are too much.”
Manager: “Let me bring up your account.”
(I again have to wait on hold. I am getting a little fed up of all this. but remain positive.)
Manager: “Okay. I have seen your records and can see all the issues that you have had. I have a great deal not normally offered to customer—”
Me: *interrupting* “Well, that’s very nice but I just don’t—”
Manager: *interrupting me* “If you take the movies packages, and cancel your HD package I can reduce your bill by £10. How does that sound?”
Me: “No, not interested. Please cancel my account.”
Manager: “Look, you have been with us for many years, and you are a valued customer. What can I offer you to stay?”
Me: “Nothing. Please cancel my account.”
Manager: “Okay, fine.”
(He puts me on hold. I am getting fed up.)
Agent #2: “Cancellation department.”
Me: “Yes, I would like to cancel my account.”
Agent #2: “Okay, we can offer you several different packages not previously available to you. Let me just put you on hold.”
(I have now had enough, I have lost count how many times I have told them I am not interested and asked to cancel my account. when I finally get of hold I don’t let the agent speak.)
Me: “Look, whatever you have to offer, I’m not interested. Please just cancel my account.”
Agent #2: “Okay, but first what shows do you watch?”
Me: “I, er, well, [List of shows all free to watch].”
Agent #2: “Okay, and how would your family feel if you cancelled your account without asking them?”
Me: “I am the decision maker and I am telling you to cancel my account. Please do so now before I raise a complaint.”
Agent #2: “Well, fine, but you will regret it.”
(I eventually cancel but not before having to ring again to confirm. I never sign up with them again.)
(I work for a call center for a hospital. I have to answer with the same greeting every time I hear a ‘beep’ in my headset letting me know a call is about to be connected. I am sitting in the break room, reading and not paying attention to my surroundings. My manager walks in and puts something in the microwave. The microwave dings.)
Me: “[Major Hospital], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”
Manager: *looks at me like I just sprouted a second head before bursting out laughing*
