Infinitely Loopy, Part 5

| Working | December 13, 2012

(I’m trying to open a bank account for the first time. I have all the required items: two pieces of I.D., the money needed to open an account, and a letter from my employer as proof of address. At least, I thought I had everything.)

Teller: “Sorry, we cannot accept this as proof of address.”

Me: “Really? It’s a notarized letter from my employer on official stationary. What would be acceptable?”

Teller: “We need a bank statement as proof of address to open an account.”

Me: “A… bank statement?”

Teller: “Yes.”

Me: “How am I supposed to have a bank statement if I’ve never opened a bank account?”

Teller: “Sorry?”

Me: “I don’t have a bank statement because I can’t open an account. I can’t open an account because I don’t have a bank statement because I can’t open an account because I don’t have a bank statement… so on and so forth.”

Teller: *smiles and shrugs* “Okay?”

(I spent the next fifteen minutes trying to get her to understand the fallacy, but to no avail. The other teller was somewhat more helpful, but ultimately wasn’t able to do anything, either. I guess I’m never opening a bank account!)

 

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I Can Has Humanz

| Working | December 13, 2012

(A coworker and I are at the customer service desk when a lady with a newborn baby comes in.)

Coworker and I: “Aww, what a cute baby!”

Lady: “Thanks!”

Me: “How old is he?”

Lady: “He is 13 days old.”

Coworker: “Has he opened his eyes yet?”

(The lady and I exchange glances and start laughing.)

Coworker: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “This is a baby, not a cat. They open their eyes at birth.”

Coworker: *dumbstruck* “Really?!”

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How Much More Simply Can I Break This Down

| Working | December 13, 2012

(I am a Culinary student, currently working part time in a local restaurant whilst attending college. I have been head-hunted by another restaurant for a job I did not bother to apply for, but will pay more, and am attending the interview. Note: I have recently broken my leg and will be on crutches for the next three weeks.)

Interviewer: “Well, it’s really great to meet you. It’s clear you have a lot of potential, and we’d like to offer you a job.”

Me: “Oh, okay! Well, I’ll obviously not be able to work for another three weeks, like I said earlier. I’d be an insurance liability in a kitchen on crutches.”

Interviewer: “Well, we really need you to start on Friday.” (Note: This is Tuesday.)

Me: “This Friday? I can’t. As I’ve explained, I have a broken leg. I can’t really walk and I’ll be like this for the next few weeks.”

Interviewer: “Well, we are opening this Friday and we really need our staff to start then.”

Me: “Well, regardless of my leg, I couldn’t start on Friday anyway. As you know, I work in [other restaurant], and I would have to give notice before I left.”

Interviewer: “Couldn’t you just tell them you can’t work because of your leg, and come here on Friday instead?”

Me: “But I’m already on sick leave because I can’t work because I broke my leg.”

Interviewer: “Perfect! So you’ll start Friday?”

Me: “No. I can’t work ANYWHERE because I broke my leg.”

Interviewer: “So, let me get this straight: you’re refusing to be able to start on Friday?”

Me: “I don’t understand how you think I can make my leg be unbroken in three days.”

Interviewer: “Well, I can’t offer you the job unless you’re willing to come in on Friday. Can you start then?”

Me: *facepalm*

(Needless to say, I decided to stay in my old job!)

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That’s What He Gets For Being A Pig

| Working | December 12, 2012

(I am having my lunch in the break room. One of my coworkers is also taking his break. Note: he has a penchant for stealing a few bites from my lunch.)

Coworker: “Yoink!”

(As usual, he grabs a piece of food from my container.)

Me: “No! Don’t eat that!”

Coworker: “Calm down, buddy! You don’t need to get so mad about it!”

Me: “No! I’m not mad! Just put that down, RIGHT NOW!”

Coworker: “Whoa, what’s with the stick up your a**? You never had a problem with this before!” *puts food in his mouth anyway*

(He’s right: normally, I don’t have a problem with him taking a little bit of food, but this time, he really needed to stop. I’m having ‘tonkatsu’ for lunch, which is a Japanese dish that contains pork. My coworker is Jewish.)

Me: “D*** it, dude! You’re eating pork!”

Coworker: “AAAAAH!”

(My coworker spits the pork into a nearby trash can, runs over to the sink, and starts rinsing his mouth out. Since that incident, he has never stolen from my lunch again.)

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Extra Light On The Common Sense

, | Working | December 12, 2012

(A local pizza parlor is having a $5 special for medium pizzas.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like a medium cheese pizza with light sauce.”

Cashier: “That will be $6.”

Me: “The special says medium pizzas are $5, not $6.”

Cashier: “Yeah, but toppings are $1 extra.”

Me: “I didn’t order any toppings.”

Cashier: “Yes, you did. You ordered light sauce.”

Me: “So, you want to charge me more for putting less sauce on my pizza?”

Cashier: “Yeah.”

(I ended up just getting it with regular sauce as to not cause a fuss.)

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