That’s One Sneaky Snake

| Working | June 22, 2012

(A friend of mine is visiting from the UK, so I take him on a road tour of the American West. While in South Dakota, we decided to visit the reptile zoo, as he is very interested in snakes and lizards. I am not very comfortable around snakes, and doing my best to put on a brave face. We’re “in the dome,” the central part of the snake building, where visitors can walk through a habitat for non-dangerous snakes. I walk up to an interpretive guide near a boa constrictor sign.)

Me: “How’s it going today?”

Guide: “Good.”

Me: *looking around* “Soooo, where’s the boa?”

(The guide says nothing, but she smiles and points over my shoulder. I look up and see the snake hanging off a branch only three inches from my ear.)

Me: “AAAHHH!!!”

Guide: *snickers*

Me: “You love to do that, don’t you?”

Guide: *nods*

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Pot Calling The Kettle Sick

| Working | June 22, 2012

(I have an immunological problem, so I get sicker more frequently, more seriously, and for longer than most people. One winter, it seems that everybody has some kind of cold. I kept catching whatever is going around and missing work, which creates scheduling problems. I go to my boss to talk about taking me off short-term projects and putting me onto longer-term projects until the end of the virus season.)

Boss: “Well, if you’d just tell me in advance when you’re going to get sick, this would be easier.”

(Note: the boss’s toddler is also catching every bug going around at his daycare.)

Me: “I’ll tell you in advance when I’m going to get sick if you could tell me in advance when your toddler is going to get sick.”

Boss: “Touché.”

(She was very understanding after that!)

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The Fairy Log-mother

| Working | June 22, 2012

(I work in a small distributor as their invoice secretary. One of the things I do is make and check logins for their online store. Since I work later hours I usually do not handle customer issues. A coworker handles those calls with sales, who has a heart of gold but not a full grasp on computers.)

Coworker: “[My name], can you refresh the login on this customer? They say they can’t login.”

Me: “Just to let you know, logins don’t expire so they don’t need ‘refreshing.’ The customer may be typing their password in wrong. Or, maybe myself or the boss typed it in wrong by accident.”

Coworker: *with sass* “Well, ‘I’ typed it in three times already and I couldn’t get in either.”

(She hands me the paper with the written login and password. I do not check the system but simply type it into the website in without a hitch.)

Me: “Tell them to slow down when typing. They’re rushing their password.”

Coworker: “What do you mean!? I couldn’t get in either!”

Me: “The password seems simple. However, it’s a word that’s mostly on one hand, so it can be tricky.”

Coworker: “No! You did something to make it work.”

Me: “I just typed it onto the website in one try and took my time.”

Coworker: “But I typed it in three times and couldn’t get in! I wasn’t typing it wrong! How dare you accuse me of being too stupid to type in a password!”

(I realize I’m not getting through, so I try another approach.)

Me: “Alright, honey…there is this little fairy that lives in every keyboard and it snatches up your fingers and moves them to opposing keys when you type passwords. Common errors when typing in passwords is that little fairy.”

Coworker: *blushes in embarrassment and turns back to her work*

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Not Even Half A Brain

| Working | June 21, 2012

Boss: “There are four months in a quarter, right?”

Me: “No, three. There’s four quarters in a year.”

Boss: “It depends on your definition of ‘quarter.'”

Me: “No, there’s four quarters in anything. One quarter is always one fourth.”

Boss: “Well, it depends on your definition of ‘quarter!'”

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Education Standards Are Going Down

| Working | June 21, 2012

(My coworker has just asked me to find out the status of a shipment. We’re both in our early 20s.)

Me: “The shipment is in Portland.”

Coworker: “You mean like Portland, Seattle?”

Me: “No, Portland, Oregon. Seattle is in Washington.”

Coworker: “So, it goes Washington, Oregon?”

Me: “Oregon is south of Washington, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Coworker: “South…” *pauses to think* “…you mean down?”

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