Wellington Wimpy, Is That You?

This story happens in the late 1990s when video stores (and VCRs!) are still around.

During the midday slow period on a weekend, I get a phone call, but the voice is so distorted that I can’t understand a word the customer is saying. I tell him about the bad connection and suggest he come to the store, which he does. When he gets to the store, I find out the line wasn’t distorted; this customer has the most nasal voice imaginable. It makes the following conversation incredibly hard to understand on my end.

Customer: “Can I rent a VCR today but pay for it Wednesday?”

Me: “Anything you rent today has to be paid for today.”

Customer: “But I don’t have money today. I’ll have money Wednesday.”

Me: “We can rent it to you on Wednesday, then, no problem.”

Customer: “But I don’t want it Wednesday. I want it today.”

Me: “Then you need to pay for it today.”

Customer: *Speaking slowly* “But what if I rented it today but paid for it Wednesday?”

Me: “If you want to rent it today, you have to pay for it today.”

Customer: “But I don’t have money today.”

Me: “Then I can’t rent anything to you today.”

Customer: “Okay, but what if I rented a VCR today…” *pauses* “…but paid for it Wednesday?”

Me: “Then you can pay with a credit card today and pay the card off Wednesday.”

Customer: “I don’t want to pay with a card.”

Me: “Then you have to pay for it today.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it today. I want to pay for it Wednesday.”

Me: “Then you can rent it on Wednesday.”

Customer: “But… what if… I rented it today… but paid for it… Wednesday?”

Me: “Then you’d have to use a credit card that you could pay off Wednesday.”

Customer: “I don’t have a card!”

Me: “Then you can’t put the $50 deposit on a VCR we require anyway, so I couldn’t rent it to you.”

Customer: “I’m going to [Other Video Store across town].”

This is the abridged version of the conversation, too. It went on like this for several minutes.