We Shudder To Think Of The Adult That Bully Grew Into

CONTENT WARNING: Racism (against Chinese, Muslims, and others), Violent Threats (including threats of sexual assault/rape)

I was born in 1990 and was in middle school in the early 2000s near New York, USA. Here is there sort of conversation that started my bullying.

This was minutes after the events of September 11, 2001.

Classmate: “I bet it was China.”

Me: “There is no reason to think that. It could have been an American. There are bad people everywhere.”

Classmate: “You just love [slur]s. I am going to tell everyone you’re a communist.”

Me: “What’s a [slur]? Like… bends in metal?”

Classmate: “No, the Chinese, dirty commies.”

Me: “Why would they be dirty? There is one Chinese girl I met, and she seemed really clean.”

Classmate: “Oh, you are so dumb. Such a goody two-shoes.”

Me: “Everyone wears two shoes?”

I just actually didn’t know what the words meant, and I realize that neither did he.

Then, leading up to the Iraq War:

Classmates: “Nuke those [slur for people who wear head coverings]s!”

Me: “Wait, are you talking about the wrap that [Turban-Wearing Student] wears? It’s not a towel! You could ask him what it’s called, but we shouldn’t nuke anyone. He probably doesn’t want to be nuked.”

Classmate: “No, not him, he’s cool. These other people wear actual towels to show they are terrorists. We should nuke them; it would be awesome.”

I knew about nukes from this anime I had watched that was really too heartbreaking to show to a ten-year-old.

Later, I went to an anti-war protest and put a “War Is Not The Answer” sticker on my notebook. 

Classmates: “Commie! Goody two-shoes! Terrorist! Pacifist!”

Me: “Do… do you know what those words mean?”

Classmates: “R****d, know-it-all…”

I was getting shoved and tripped, as well.

But the final straw for me was the death threats. This was two years after the Towers fell.

Classmate: *Whispered* “Tomorrow’s newspaper is going to have a story about finding a girl in a ditch almost unrecognizable but with [features unique to me]. Dead. But I don’t know if it will talk about what was done to her or how she deserved to be used. What do you think? Do you deserve to be used? Do you know what I mean? I bet you would like it. At least until you were all used up…”

Twenty years later, I still remember those words the most clearly of all of that bullying. I remember the boy who said it and the way my skin crawled with fear, anger, and disgust. He did explain in more detail, but luckily, I don’t remember those words. 

I didn’t report him to anyone. It didn’t occur to me to report anything, especially as I assumed the teachers knew about a lot of it.

What I DID do, at thirteen years of age, was move across the country, to San Francisco, a haven for liberals. I had my fourteenth birthday in California with a handful of friends. It was really really hard, but I would do it again.

I only had three friends from my younger years. Their parents tried to stop me from moving to the devil’s place, offering to adopt me, instead. But I still keep in touch with those three friends.

I have had minimal death threats aimed at me these last twenty years.