Unsolicited Hookups Really Get My Goat

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2017

(As a bit of a backstory, I am demisexual, which is on the asexuality scale. Usually leads to some interesting conversation, especially whenever I go out to a bar. As I’m enjoying my night, I get approached by this guy trying to get an easy hookup. He makes a pass and I gently turn him down.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not into that sort of stuff. I’m asexual.” *my usual response because it’s a h*** of a lot easier than trying to explain demisexuality, etc.*

Guy: “The f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means I’m not interested in hooking up?”

Guy: “So, do you not like sex then?”

Me: “I mean, to oversimplify it, sure.”

Guy: “Nah, that sounds f*****. You probably just haven’t had a partner that knows how to get you going.”

Me: “Considering I’m a virgin, I highly doubt it.”

Guy: “Wait, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know you don’t like it?”

Me: “Would you f*** a goat?”

Guy: *sputtering* “F***, no. That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Well, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?”

Guy: “…you’re a b****.”

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VOTES
  • Deadpool

    Deadpool understands your need for animal lovin’. More power to ya, babe. Don’t let the weirdos get you down.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9770c7444f11a781bb34c129994db58e2a43ae65e2d086df695b88f59e0b2e7e.jpg

    • Huck Perry

      watch out, that ape is trying to steal your sword lol

      • Gnomer Denois

        Look. The Librarian needs that sword.

        • Lothus

          Ook.

        • Anne-Marie van der Veen

          What’s with the monkey?

  • Katherine Alice Thompson

    You may be a b****, but at least that’s subjective. Being an a*****e is a little harder to shake, unfortunately for this guy.

    • Phil Peligroso

      To me, it sounds like being an assh*le is just as subjective as being a b*tch. But yeah, this guy is an assh*le.

  • Nora Miller

    Ok, I have to ask. What is a demisexual?

    • Aaron

      Demi means half, so half-sexual? Just a sec, need to warm up my Google-fu

    • Aaron

      From a Wiki
      A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual

    • Kimberlee

      Basically it’s like asexuality, in that an asexual person experiences no sexual attraction whatsoever while a demisexual person experiences sexual attraction in very limited circumstances (typically dependent on a strong emotional connection)

      • Luke Green

        Yes, they don’t get attracted by looks, so “Damn, that girl is hot” wouldn’t mean anything to them, as they don’t see it. They see a girl, they don’t really see beauty.

        • Liawen

          no, we can see attractiveness, we just don’t feel an urge to act on it unless we’ve really gotten to know and be comfortable with the person. someone who isn’t into architecture can still appreciate a nicely designed building. (disclaimer: i speak in generalities, as one size often does not fit all)

        • Maximilian Kiyomaru Stern

          Is beauty really the right word in that case? I mean you can see something which you might find beautiful without being sexually attracted to it, can’t you? Wouldn’t it better to say that while they can see the beauty of someone they are not sexually attracted to it?

          Saying this because I identify as 120% gay and yet I can find a woman beautiful and not be attracted to her in any way, so I doubt it is much different for a demisexual, or am I wrong in thinking this?

          • Kerlyssa

            nah, you’re right, there’s a difference between sexual attraction and aesthetic appreciation

          • Luke Green

            I know I don’t speak for all demisexuals, and I only know the one, and that’s how she is, beauty isn’t a thing for her. So, I didn’t really have anyone else to back that up, and I was just speaking from what I’ve seen. Yeah, I apologise I got it wrong, (probably shouldn’t’ve rounded them all into one group) but that’s all I knew.

        • Furbs

          I find all kinds of people beautiful, I just really don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone.

    • Blake Barrett

      I didn’t understand this concept either until I asked in the Facebook comments. Respectful responses all around.

      Still, there are other concepts I just can’t wrap my head around, but that’s a totally different topic.

  • Eilonwy_has_an_aardvark

    Well, if he hadn’t kept going and implied he could “fix” your sexuality personally, you’d never have brought up goats, so I think he made his own problems here.

    When people lead with how they don’t think you should get to be you, they should expect pretty frequent rejection.

    • Kitty

      I’m asexual myself and I DREAD the day I might hear the “Ah, you just haven’t been f***ed right yet” line…

      • Saaaame. It’s part of why I wear an ace ring, so should that scenario pop up, I can show it to them. ;D

        (For those who don’t know, ace rings are worn on the middle finger. More specifically they’re a black ring on the right middle finger.)

        • Rob Tonka

          ???

          So you dread that possible scenario and your preparedness for it is wearing a black ring on your middle finger.

          Sorry, but those of us what don’t know what an ace ring is, have no idea what the significance of it is even after you’ve described it.

          • It’s not the only reason I wear it, it’s just one of the jokey reasons to wear it that I probably came up with after I started wearing it. I also wear it for personal reasons that are a little harder to explain.

            Like I’m not even sure if there is a big significance to wearing it, it’s just something I like and means something to me personally.

          • Flami

            Exactly! I’d see that ring and be like, “Oh, okay. That’s a ring. Cool, whatever.”

          • Regret

            Showing someone an extended middle finger is a globally known symbol. What’s not to understand?

          • Rob Tonka

            She did not say anything about flipping the bird(edit: until a later post I just now saw). She said she has a rubber ring on her middle finger. If that ring has something to do with flipping someobe the bird, I don’t see the significance. Is flipping the bird using a ringed finger somehow more powerful than doing so with a ringless finger? The bird is the bird.

        • Vulpis

          …So basically, you just show them your middle finger? 🙂

          • Well, I mean, yes, but with SYMBOLISM!

          • Rob Tonka

            What symbolism? For those of us not in the know, you’ve told us you wear a rubber ring on your finger. And? Completely not seeing any symbolism.

          • *sigh* The joke is that if someone should say something crude about how having physical relations (stupid filter) is mandatory, I can flip them off while under the guise of showing them a chosen symbol of asexuality, an orientation for people who feel no, or very limited, physical attraction. The mentioned symbol is a black ring that happens to be worn on the middle finger.

            Don’t think about it too hard, you might hurt yourself.

            (Also, where did you get rubber from?)

          • Rob Tonka

            “I can flip them off while under the guise of showing them a chosen symbol of asexuality”

            This is the missing link. You never explained that. You said ace ring then described it as a black ring (I thought you also said rubber, guess not).

            Sorry, those of us not in the club have no idea that an ace ring is an asexual ring. I was simply going by what you said. An ace ring being black. For all I knew, and ace ring was something you got at ace hardware.

      • Siirenias

        What the heck is wrong with some people. I can’t apologise for guys like that, but I wish I could.

      • Shouldernubs

        Really cause you told me you’ve been with your boyfriend for 10 yrs in a different comment, and now your asexual?

        • Wyrmskyld

          Asexuality is a whole spectrum within itself. There’s no reason a person can’t be ace and still date.

          • Shouldernubs

            Oh, okay. I guess I’ve never thought about it but that makes sense.
            I still think kitty lies a lot.

          • Kitty

            What makes you think that?

          • Shouldernubs

            Idk. Never mind.

          • A Stead

            I think you think about Kitty’s life too much.

          • Vulpis

            There’s asexual and aromantic, I believe.

        • 4302

          Being asexual means you don’t experience sexual attraction. It does not mean you can’t love or can’t do the dirty for pleasure or intimacy.
          It is not unusual for asexual people to be in relationships.

        • Kathy Plester

          Demi-sexual, which is on the a-sexual spectrum, as I understand it, is somebody who can only have s*x with somebody once they are really close, so somebody who is on that spectrum may still have a partner they are intimately involved with. If anyone is demi-sexual and I got that wrong feel free to let me know!

          Also, a-sexual people on the spectrum where they do not like s*x at all can still have SO’s they just don’t have s*x. That’s all.

    • Difdi

      That’s actually a cultural belief in a lot of places — that lesbians and asexual women simply haven’t met the right man, and the power of his attachment will ‘cure’ them of their problems, turning them into normal heterosexual women.

      Seriously.

      It’s completely wrong, but an awful lot of people believe it.

  • possiblymeprobablyme

    I’d be willing to bet a substantial amount of money there wasn’t any ‘No’ answer that wasn’t going to result in that guy calling the object of his sexual intent a b****.

    • Nightshade1972

      I’m reminded of the old joke, “What’s the difference between a sl*t and a b*tch? A sl*t sleeps with everyone, a b*tch sleeps with everyone but you.”

      If this shows up twice, my apologies, I typed out the entire word “sl*t” the first time and NAR freaked.

      • WizardStan

        You should’ve just waited. The mods are soooo punctual about handling comments. /s

  • Caroline Levén

    Yes, a badass.

  • Kitty

    “…you’re a b****.”
    Bartender! A glass of wine, please, to go along with this guy’s sour grapes!

    On a different note, no need to tell him your sexuality. Just no. And if he won’t take no for an answer, get him away any way you can – security; kicking him; splashing alcohol into his face…

    • Rob Tonka

      “On a different note, no need to tell him your sexuality. ”

      That’s what I was thinking. Why go in with anything more than, “Not interested. Move along”?

      • Boots

        Because it doesn’t work.

        That being said, with some gits, nothing you say will work. A simple ‘No’ certainly doesn’t work. Women have been stabbed for saying no…

        • Rob Tonka

          What’s a git?

          And if you’re going to go with telling me “no not interested” does not work, “explain how, “no, not interested. I’m not into that stuff” is any better.

          • Brianna

            It isn’t because these types of men don’t understand how women aren’t throwing themselves at him for a chance to touch the magic that is his 3-inch weiner. Still. You start by saying no, then offer an explanation if they ask why, then remind them concealed carry is a thing if they persist.

          • Superfictious

            Too often, you hear stories of women saying ‘no’, and guys taking that as ‘try harder’.

            This leads to more excuses and explanations that should not be necessary, to reinforce the ‘no’ that was ignored.

            OP went with explaining her sexuality, to create a barrier and reinforce her unheeded ‘no’. Many women default to ‘no again, and I have a boyfriend’, which is really telling how messed up these situations are. The pursuer doesn’t respect her ‘no’, but respects some imaginary other man’s “claim” on her more than her own words.

            So, people stuck in these situations are forced into an awkward encounter, or have to leave a public space they should be able to feel safe in to get away.
            Maybe criticize the creator of this situation, instead of OP for how they reacted.

  • Jenni Sowvlen

    I think it’s sad that we feel like we have to justify our responses to other people. If someone asks you out or puts the moves on you you should be allowed to just say no without having to explain yourself

  • Amber Harding

    “B****es are responsible for the existence of cute puppies. Thanks for the compliment.” :3

  • Kiara521

    No one really cares what your sexuality is, snowflake, the only thing that matters to them is that you won’t put out. Why is irrelevant, so you are under no obligation to explain yourself.

    • Luke Green

      You seem to be on OP’s side, but then you use idiotic insults like Snowflake, so I’m not sure. Was Snowflake intended as an insult?

      • Michael Chandra

        Probably an aphobe.

    • Christine Wood

      Snowflakes are pretty. They become even prettier in large groups ^-^

      • Scott O

        They become dangerous and prevent a functioning society in large groups, too.
        Just for perspective.

        • Christine Wood

          Because you don’t respect their power. Think of it as payback.

        • Luke Green

          Dangerous? What? What would they prevent? Non-Acceptance?

    • ValleyLeada

      What if someone of the same gender asked you out? Wouldn’t you say “No, I’m straight”? Same thing as saying “No, I’m ace.” It’s not being a “special snowflake” it’s just stating facts. (Unless you’re not straight, in which case I have no idea why you would say someone is trying to be a special snowflake for their sexuality.)

  • Raven Odette

    See in these circumstances its obvious the guy who says “well you haven’t been with the right partner who knows what he’s doing” obviously means

    “Well you haven’t been with ME! because I’m awesome! I’m so good at it I can convert anyone and even if I don’t change your mind afterwords who cares. I got what I want from you so I don’t give a carp what you do afterwards”

    • Ty Williams

      I usually come back with something like “Well, I was straight, but then I saw you and any desire I ever had dried up like the Sahara”.

  • emofishermen

    im using this. too many people questioned my sexuality because of my inexperience, this just seems like so much sense. ur amazing OP

  • 4302

    There’s no need to explain yourself. A no is a no. If you’re dealing with an assh0le they’re going to question you no matter what explanation you give.

    I find that the best way to handle it is to either just say no and keep repeating it until they insult you and go away, or you nonchalantly but confidently tell them that you’re absolutely riddled with terrible STDs.

    If they ignore the no and keep going… An explanation might help, or they might just ignore it as well.

    You can have your sexuality insulted online instead. x) Just mention it and wait a while.

    • Boots

      Except women have been assaulted and killed for saying no. It’s a fine line and and damn scary one.

  • Christine Wood

    I think I had a similar conversation once with someone who didn’t agree with my claim that I didn’t want to have kids.

    • Luke Green

      What was that like? I doubt it was great.

  • Leah

    You didn’t need to go into the fact you were a/demisexual. You could have just said no. Women shouldn’t feel like they need to give men a reason/excuse not to sleep with or date them. We can just say no because we don’t want to.

    • ValleyLeada

      But the fact remains that they demand a reason each time, so we start giving excuses automatically.

  • Kathy Plester

    I was once on this temp assignment and the guy showing me around was pointing out people I’d need to know and like ‘there’s the printers, there’s the shredding room, there’s the break area’ etc. Anyway some guy walks passed, says good morning to us both, we both say good morning back then when the guy walks by he cringes, nudges me with his elbow and goes:

    ‘It’s lucky you’re a lass.’

    So I ask why, to which he responds:

    ‘Well … he’s gay, you know? I know he’s got it in for me, wants to sleep with me.’

    So I ask why and he goes: ‘Well he’s gay, they, you know, love penis. They like men. I mean did you see the way he looked at me as he came passed? Total ‘I-want-to-f*ck-you’ look.’

    I should note the guy just smiled, it was in no way flirty, he gave the same smile to me to welcome me when he noticed I was a new face.

    So I said: ‘Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he will sleep with any man.’

    Guy says: ‘Of course they do, that’s what gay people do.’

    So I ask if he likes girls, he says yeah, he’s hetero. So I point to the older woman who works the reception and say ‘Would you sleep with her?’ He says no. I then point to every woman in sight, some old, some young, some fat, some thin and the whole time he is like ‘No’.

    So I say: ‘But … why? You’re straight, right? That mean if it has lady parts, you want to sleep with it, right? Because isn’t that what straight people do?’

    And he goes ‘Well no *I* have a type.’

    So I tell him so does everyone, even gay people. He just retorts with ‘Yeah well what do you know? You’re not gay.’

    So I said ‘And you know this because …?’

    He then starts mumbling about how ‘f*ggots’ are everywhere.

    But yeah dude thought every gay guy ever wanted to bang him real bad. Guy was so obnoxious most women probably didn’t want him tbh, let alone the entire gay community.

    EDIT: I should also note one of his favourite phrases was ‘Gays are always offended by everything.’ or ‘Everyone is so offended by everything.’ particularly when he was warned for saying the word ‘f*ggot’ because according to him, that’s not offensive if the person you are saying it to/talking about is actually gay – it’s only offensive if you call a straight person that 0_0

  • Brianna

    Your response was perfect but it’s pathetic that we live in a society where we have to justify saying no and even then are subjected to “I don’t care about your no because I am amazing”. No should be sufficient!!