Unsolicited Hookups Really Get My Goat

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2017

(As a bit of a backstory, I am demisexual, which is on the asexuality scale. Usually leads to some interesting conversation, especially whenever I go out to a bar. As I’m enjoying my night, I get approached by this guy trying to get an easy hookup. He makes a pass and I gently turn him down.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not into that sort of stuff. I’m asexual.” *my usual response because it’s a h*** of a lot easier than trying to explain demisexuality, etc.*

Guy: “The f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means I’m not interested in hooking up?”

Guy: “So, do you not like sex then?”

Me: “I mean, to oversimplify it, sure.”

Guy: “Nah, that sounds f*****. You probably just haven’t had a partner that knows how to get you going.”

Me: “Considering I’m a virgin, I highly doubt it.”

Guy: “Wait, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know you don’t like it?”

Me: “Would you f*** a goat?”

Guy: *sputtering* “F***, no. That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Well, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?”

Guy: “…you’re a b****.”

1 Thumbs
  • Deadpool

    Deadpool understands your need for animal lovin’. More power to ya, babe. Don’t let the weirdos get you down.


    • Huck Perry

      watch out, that ape is trying to steal your sword lol

      • Gnomer Denois

        Look. The Librarian needs that sword.

        • Lothus


        • Anne-Marie van der Veen

          What’s with the monkey?

  • Katherine Alice Thompson

    You may be a b****, but at least that’s subjective. Being an a*****e is a little harder to shake, unfortunately for this guy.

    • Phil Peligroso

      To me, it sounds like being an assh*le is just as subjective as being a b*tch. But yeah, this guy is an assh*le.

  • Nora Miller

    Ok, I have to ask. What is a demisexual?

    • Aaron

      Demi means half, so half-sexual? Just a sec, need to warm up my Google-fu

    • Aaron

      From a Wiki
      A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual

    • Kimberlee

      Basically it’s like asexuality, in that an asexual person experiences no sexual attraction whatsoever while a demisexual person experiences sexual attraction in very limited circumstances (typically dependent on a strong emotional connection)

      • Luke Green

        Yes, they don’t get attracted by looks, so “Damn, that girl is hot” wouldn’t mean anything to them, as they don’t see it. They see a girl, they don’t really see beauty.

        • Liawen

          no, we can see attractiveness, we just don’t feel an urge to act on it unless we’ve really gotten to know and be comfortable with the person. someone who isn’t into architecture can still appreciate a nicely designed building. (disclaimer: i speak in generalities, as one size often does not fit all)

        • Maximilian Kiyomaru Stern

          Is beauty really the right word in that case? I mean you can see something which you might find beautiful without being sexually attracted to it, can’t you? Wouldn’t it better to say that while they can see the beauty of someone they are not sexually attracted to it?

          Saying this because I identify as 120% gay and yet I can find a woman beautiful and not be attracted to her in any way, so I doubt it is much different for a demisexual, or am I wrong in thinking this?

          • Kerlyssa

            nah, you’re right, there’s a difference between sexual attraction and aesthetic appreciation

          • Luke Green

            I know I don’t speak for all demisexuals, and I only know the one, and that’s how she is, beauty isn’t a thing for her. So, I didn’t really have anyone else to back that up, and I was just speaking from what I’ve seen. Yeah, I apologise I got it wrong, (probably shouldn’t’ve rounded them all into one group) but that’s all I knew.

        • Furbs

          I find all kinds of people beautiful, I just really don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone.

    • Blake Barrett

      I didn’t understand this concept either until I asked in the Facebook comments. Respectful responses all around.

      Still, there are other concepts I just can’t wrap my head around, but that’s a totally different topic.

      • Kristen

        You can always ask. The community loves to talk about this to those who generally do want to learn respectfully.

    • clemdane

      Someone who is only attracted to demiurges.

      • PL-LT Commonwealth

        Or demigods.

  • Eilonwy_has_an_aardvark

    Well, if he hadn’t kept going and implied he could “fix” your sexuality personally, you’d never have brought up goats, so I think he made his own problems here.

    When people lead with how they don’t think you should get to be you, they should expect pretty frequent rejection.

    • Kitty

      I’m asexual myself and I DREAD the day I might hear the “Ah, you just haven’t been f***ed right yet” line…

      • Saaaame. It’s part of why I wear an ace ring, so should that scenario pop up, I can show it to them. ;D

        (For those who don’t know, ace rings are worn on the middle finger. More specifically they’re a black ring on the right middle finger.)

        • Rob Tonka


          So you dread that possible scenario and your preparedness for it is wearing a black ring on your middle finger.

          Sorry, but those of us what don’t know what an ace ring is, have no idea what the significance of it is even after you’ve described it.

          • It’s not the only reason I wear it, it’s just one of the jokey reasons to wear it that I probably came up with after I started wearing it. I also wear it for personal reasons that are a little harder to explain.

            Like I’m not even sure if there is a big significance to wearing it, it’s just something I like and means something to me personally.

          • Flami

            Exactly! I’d see that ring and be like, “Oh, okay. That’s a ring. Cool, whatever.”

          • Regret

            Showing someone an extended middle finger is a globally known symbol. What’s not to understand?

          • Rob Tonka

            She did not say anything about flipping the bird(edit: until a later post I just now saw). She said she has a rubber ring on her middle finger. If that ring has something to do with flipping someobe the bird, I don’t see the significance. Is flipping the bird using a ringed finger somehow more powerful than doing so with a ringless finger? The bird is the bird.

        • Vulpis

          …So basically, you just show them your middle finger? 🙂

          • Well, I mean, yes, but with SYMBOLISM!

          • Rob Tonka

            What symbolism? For those of us not in the know, you’ve told us you wear a rubber ring on your finger. And? Completely not seeing any symbolism.

          • *sigh* The joke is that if someone should say something crude about how having physical relations (stupid filter) is mandatory, I can flip them off while under the guise of showing them a chosen symbol of asexuality, an orientation for people who feel no, or very limited, physical attraction. The mentioned symbol is a black ring that happens to be worn on the middle finger.

            Don’t think about it too hard, you might hurt yourself.

            (Also, where did you get rubber from?)

          • Rob Tonka

            “I can flip them off while under the guise of showing them a chosen symbol of asexuality”

            This is the missing link. You never explained that. You said ace ring then described it as a black ring (I thought you also said rubber, guess not).

            Sorry, those of us not in the club have no idea that an ace ring is an asexual ring. I was simply going by what you said. An ace ring being black. For all I knew, and ace ring was something you got at ace hardware.

          • S123

            Ace is short for asexual/aromantic. I guess HeyHeyListen assumed everyone would know what the word meant.

      • Siirenias

        What the heck is wrong with some people. I can’t apologise for guys like that, but I wish I could.

      • Shouldernubs

        Really cause you told me you’ve been with your boyfriend for 10 yrs in a different comment, and now your asexual?

        • Wyrmskyld

          Asexuality is a whole spectrum within itself. There’s no reason a person can’t be ace and still date.

          • Shouldernubs

            Oh, okay. I guess I’ve never thought about it but that makes sense.
            I still think kitty lies a lot.

          • Kitty

            What makes you think that?

          • Shouldernubs

            Idk. Never mind.

          • A Stead

            I think you think about Kitty’s life too much.

          • Vulpis

            There’s asexual and aromantic, I believe.

        • 4302

          Being asexual means you don’t experience sexual attraction. It does not mean you can’t love or can’t do the dirty for pleasure or intimacy.
          It is not unusual for asexual people to be in relationships.

        • Kathy Plester

          Demi-sexual, which is on the a-sexual spectrum, as I understand it, is somebody who can only have s*x with somebody once they are really close, so somebody who is on that spectrum may still have a partner they are intimately involved with. If anyone is demi-sexual and I got that wrong feel free to let me know!

          Also, a-sexual people on the spectrum where they do not like s*x at all can still have SO’s they just don’t have s*x. That’s all.

    • Difdi

      That’s actually a cultural belief in a lot of places — that lesbians and asexual women simply haven’t met the right man, and the power of his attachment will ‘cure’ them of their problems, turning them into normal heterosexual women.


      It’s completely wrong, but an awful lot of people believe it.

      • Julie Kochel

        I’m lesbian and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told by both men and women that I just haven’t met the right man yet. *sigh*

        • Tanqueray Strange

          Lesbian, raised by lesbians, also heard it.

      • Luke Green

        Funny how they don’t say the same of men.

  • possiblymeprobablyme

    I’d be willing to bet a substantial amount of money there wasn’t any ‘No’ answer that wasn’t going to result in that guy calling the object of his sexual intent a b****.

    • Nightshade1972

      I’m reminded of the old joke, “What’s the difference between a sl*t and a b*tch? A sl*t sleeps with everyone, a b*tch sleeps with everyone but you.”

      If this shows up twice, my apologies, I typed out the entire word “sl*t” the first time and NAR freaked.

      • WizardStan

        You should’ve just waited. The mods are soooo punctual about handling comments. /s

  • Caroline Levén

    Yes, a badass.

  • Kitty

    “…you’re a b****.”
    Bartender! A glass of wine, please, to go along with this guy’s sour grapes!

    On a different note, no need to tell him your sexuality. Just no. And if he won’t take no for an answer, get him away any way you can – security; kicking him; splashing alcohol into his face…

    • Rob Tonka

      “On a different note, no need to tell him your sexuality. ”

      That’s what I was thinking. Why go in with anything more than, “Not interested. Move along”?

      • Boots

        Because it doesn’t work.

        That being said, with some gits, nothing you say will work. A simple ‘No’ certainly doesn’t work. Women have been stabbed for saying no…

        • Rob Tonka

          What’s a git?

          And if you’re going to go with telling me “no not interested” does not work, “explain how, “no, not interested. I’m not into that stuff” is any better.

          • Brianna

            It isn’t because these types of men don’t understand how women aren’t throwing themselves at him for a chance to touch the magic that is his 3-inch weiner. Still. You start by saying no, then offer an explanation if they ask why, then remind them concealed carry is a thing if they persist.

          • Superfictious

            Too often, you hear stories of women saying ‘no’, and guys taking that as ‘try harder’.

            This leads to more excuses and explanations that should not be necessary, to reinforce the ‘no’ that was ignored.

            OP went with explaining her sexuality, to create a barrier and reinforce her unheeded ‘no’. Many women default to ‘no again, and I have a boyfriend’, which is really telling how messed up these situations are. The pursuer doesn’t respect her ‘no’, but respects some imaginary other man’s “claim” on her more than her own words.

            So, people stuck in these situations are forced into an awkward encounter, or have to leave a public space they should be able to feel safe in to get away.
            Maybe criticize the creator of this situation, instead of OP for how they reacted.

          • clemdane

            Or from an unconscious desire to reify asexuality as an identity.

          • Boots

            Git is basically an idiot. Mostly used in Aus and UK.

            As for why it doesn’t work – you tell me. I swing both ways and women can usually just take a “no thanks” with grace and move on, whereas far too many dudes take it as a personal challenge to convince me to let them in regardless of what I say.

      • AngoraAlpaca

        I think we’ve reached a time where we constantly have to lable ourselves and have to wave around that lable. i’m early 30s and i remember times when no one felt the need to anounce that they were a binary, pansexual genderfluid person. People simply….existed and lived their lives. today you can barely take a walk without spotting something that lables a person. so you/they can be put in neat boxes and we can have that ” Us vs. Them” feeling.

        • PL-LT Commonwealth

          I actually occupy that weird space between not believing in labels and craving the existence of distinct categories to compare individuals. I compromise by thinking of categories as analogous to landmarks that someone would be near rather than boxes that someone would be in.

  • Jenni Sowvlen

    I think it’s sad that we feel like we have to justify our responses to other people. If someone asks you out or puts the moves on you you should be allowed to just say no without having to explain yourself

  • Amber Harding

    “B****es are responsible for the existence of cute puppies. Thanks for the compliment.” :3

  • Kiara521

    No one really cares what your sexuality is, snowflake, the only thing that matters to them is that you won’t put out. Why is irrelevant, so you are under no obligation to explain yourself.

    • Luke Green

      You seem to be on OP’s side, but then you use idiotic insults like Snowflake, so I’m not sure. Was Snowflake intended as an insult?

      • Michael Chandra

        Probably an aphobe.

        • clemdane

          More like an a-path.

    • Christine Wood

      Snowflakes are pretty. They become even prettier in large groups ^-^

      • Scott O

        They become dangerous and prevent a functioning society in large groups, too.
        Just for perspective.

        • Christine Wood

          Because you don’t respect their power. Think of it as payback.

        • Luke Green

          Dangerous? What? What would they prevent? Non-Acceptance?

          • Kristen

            Have you TRIED driving in a snowstorm?

          • Luke Green

            Oh, we’re talking actual snowflakes. Well, no. I have a motorbike, I’ve never been brave enough to do so.

          • AngoraAlpaca

            actually i understand what Scott O is getting at (even with the metaphor). Personally i would prefer if people would just….Be… you know instead of needing a lable to put themselves into a box so they can have that “Us vs. Them” feeling. And that is in more than just sexuality or gender. Its in politics, its in religion, its in sports.
            The “labeling” is strong in this society.

        • Lauren

          You’re salty enough that I wouldn’t worry.

      • PL-LT Commonwealth

        Honestly, as a science nerd if someone calls me a snowflake I can just use the properties of snowflakes to explain how that’s almost half a dozen compliments.

    • ValleyLeada

      What if someone of the same gender asked you out? Wouldn’t you say “No, I’m straight”? Same thing as saying “No, I’m ace.” It’s not being a “special snowflake” it’s just stating facts. (Unless you’re not straight, in which case I have no idea why you would say someone is trying to be a special snowflake for their sexuality.)

      • AngoraAlpaca

        simply saying “I’m not interested.” whether that person is gay or not, is a fully valid explanation too. One doesn’t need to add sexuality to the explanation.
        If we’re honest, then adding an explanation, as we’ve seen in the comments here, might seem more like a challenge for some. What? you’re gay/bi? well only because you haven’t met the right man/woman yet. You’re asexual? probably only because you haven’t met the right person yet. Also, for some people it might be like a trigger. “So many sexy women, but their excuse is they’re lesbians. so they won’t sleep with me. Stupid lesbianism is keeping me from getting some.”

      • clemdane

        I’d just say, “No thanks.” Who I’m attracted/not attracted to is none of their concern. It certainly doesn’t warrant a declaration, especially one that sounds like it’s intended to invite questions.

  • Raven Odette

    See in these circumstances its obvious the guy who says “well you haven’t been with the right partner who knows what he’s doing” obviously means

    “Well you haven’t been with ME! because I’m awesome! I’m so good at it I can convert anyone and even if I don’t change your mind afterwords who cares. I got what I want from you so I don’t give a carp what you do afterwards”

    • Ty Williams

      I usually come back with something like “Well, I was straight, but then I saw you and any desire I ever had dried up like the Sahara”.

      • Kristen

        Welp, I won’t need this anymore… *tosses out vag*

  • emofishermen

    im using this. too many people questioned my sexuality because of my inexperience, this just seems like so much sense. ur amazing OP

  • 4302

    There’s no need to explain yourself. A no is a no. If you’re dealing with an assh0le they’re going to question you no matter what explanation you give.

    I find that the best way to handle it is to either just say no and keep repeating it until they insult you and go away, or you nonchalantly but confidently tell them that you’re absolutely riddled with terrible STDs.

    If they ignore the no and keep going… An explanation might help, or they might just ignore it as well.

    You can have your sexuality insulted online instead. x) Just mention it and wait a while.

    • Boots

      Except women have been assaulted and killed for saying no. It’s a fine line and and damn scary one.

      • 4302

        Yep, but they’ve been killed for explaining themselves too. Rejection is still rejection with or without an explanation.

        • Boots

          See? Can’t win. The risk is there either way.

          • 4302

            Oh yeah. Fun, isn’t it? I just found out that one of my friends got assaulted and beaten while on a bus because she tried to ignore some guys who were catcalling her. Not even the old headphone excuse works.

          • Boots

            it feels wrong upvoting that, but it’s an upvote of solidarity.

  • Christine Wood

    I think I had a similar conversation once with someone who didn’t agree with my claim that I didn’t want to have kids.

    • Luke Green

      What was that like? I doubt it was great.

  • Leah

    You didn’t need to go into the fact you were a/demisexual. You could have just said no. Women shouldn’t feel like they need to give men a reason/excuse not to sleep with or date them. We can just say no because we don’t want to.

    • ValleyLeada

      But the fact remains that they demand a reason each time, so we start giving excuses automatically.

  • Kathy Plester

    I was once on this temp assignment and the guy showing me around was pointing out people I’d need to know and like ‘there’s the printers, there’s the shredding room, there’s the break area’ etc. Anyway some guy walks passed, says good morning to us both, we both say good morning back then when the guy walks by he cringes, nudges me with his elbow and goes:

    ‘It’s lucky you’re a lass.’

    So I ask why, to which he responds:

    ‘Well … he’s gay, you know? I know he’s got it in for me, wants to sleep with me.’

    So I ask why and he goes: ‘Well he’s gay, they, you know, love penis. They like men. I mean did you see the way he looked at me as he came passed? Total ‘I-want-to-f*ck-you’ look.’

    I should note the guy just smiled, it was in no way flirty, he gave the same smile to me to welcome me when he noticed I was a new face.

    So I said: ‘Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he will sleep with any man.’

    Guy says: ‘Of course they do, that’s what gay people do.’

    So I ask if he likes girls, he says yeah, he’s hetero. So I point to the older woman who works the reception and say ‘Would you sleep with her?’ He says no. I then point to every woman in sight, some old, some young, some fat, some thin and the whole time he is like ‘No’.

    So I say: ‘But … why? You’re straight, right? That mean if it has lady parts, you want to sleep with it, right? Because isn’t that what straight people do?’

    And he goes ‘Well no *I* have a type.’

    So I tell him so does everyone, even gay people. He just retorts with ‘Yeah well what do you know? You’re not gay.’

    So I said ‘And you know this because …?’

    He then starts mumbling about how ‘f*ggots’ are everywhere.

    But yeah dude thought every gay guy ever wanted to bang him real bad. Guy was so obnoxious most women probably didn’t want him tbh, let alone the entire gay community.

    EDIT: I should also note one of his favourite phrases was ‘Gays are always offended by everything.’ or ‘Everyone is so offended by everything.’ particularly when he was warned for saying the word ‘f*ggot’ because according to him, that’s not offensive if the person you are saying it to/talking about is actually gay – it’s only offensive if you call a straight person that 0_0

    • Kristen

      Guy sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

      • Kathy Joy

        Believe it or not, he was a manager.

        • Kristen

          Guy sounds like a MAJOR lawsuit waiting to happen

          • Kathy Joy

            I am always surprised that he was a) a manager and b) Not fired sooner as he had plenty of complaints lodged against him, not the least for once announcing lesbians weren’t a real thing – they were just women who hadn’t been ‘seen to’ properly, and even bragged about several lesbians he had ‘cured’.

          • Kristen

            Unfortunately, cotporate seems to do jack sh*t until you threaten a lawsuit

          • Kathy Joy

            Nope and lawsuits are very expensive, most people can’t afford it – all they can do is hope HR do something about it, or quit and find another job and hope another racist/sexist/homophobic/all of the above jerk works there too.

          • Kristen

            Granted, mentioning EEOC or the possibility of a lawsuit might have spurned them to light their donkeys up and fire this motherglubber

          • Kathy Joy

            I know there were a few whispered threats of lawsuits, but when that happened they ‘had a word with him’, he went quiet for a bit (complaining of ‘political correctness gone mad’ and ‘Its a wonder anyone can say anything these days’). I temped on and off there, a week here, a week there, one time a 4 week contract.Guy was still there, causing trouble. Luckily I only spent that first 2 weeks in his department.

    • clemdane

      Where is he from that he uses the word ‘lass’?

      • Kathy Joy

        I don’t really know where he was from. As you can imagine, I didn’t go out of my way to socialise with him.

      • Luke Green

        Sounds Scottish or Irish.

  • Brianna

    Your response was perfect but it’s pathetic that we live in a society where we have to justify saying no and even then are subjected to “I don’t care about your no because I am amazing”. No should be sufficient!!

  • Some Reader

    As one demisexual to another, high-five OP!

  • Sage Darkthorn

    Since no one else is saying it… Demisexuality isn’t a real thing. It was invented by a fantasy writer then co-opted by Tumblr to invent another sexuality in the alphabet soup they’ve created. The idea that you only fell sexually attracted to someone once you know them isn’t a sexuality. A sexuality refers to which gender you are attracted to. Who you love, not how you love. If anything it’s acting like a sexuality modifier, cause you would still technically need to clarify if your strait, gay, bi or one of the rare asexuals.

    • Kristen

      Considering a couple of demis have posted in this… I will say that you’re definitely wrong.

      • Sage Darkthorn

        How do a bunch of delusional children with the need to feel special and part of a community they don’t belong in posting about how they are delusional prove me wrong?

        • Kristen

          I trust their actual experience over a guy that can only speak in buzzwords

          • Sage Darkthorn

            Yeah… because delusional is SUCH a buzzword compared to “demisexual”. I trust the medical community over self diagnosis and made up sexuality that appeared within the last 5 years.

          • PL-LT Commonwealth

            Love is emotional attraction, sexuality is physical attraction. I’d think people would notice the lack of SEXUAL attraction as distinct from love to anyone they don’t have a strong emotional connection to. When it comes to identifying one’s self, I’d trust self-diagnosis over a random human who calls people delusional just because their sexuality isn’t officially recognised yet (especially since the same could once have been said of bisexuality or even homosexuality).

          • Sage Darkthorn

            It’s nice that you have a strong sense of dignity, but to have an ego so large that you need to make a sexuality out of it is really delusional.

        • AngoraAlpaca

          I…don’t quiet agree with the severity of the words you use, simply because i do not know enough about that subject. But i would agree that we have reached a point in society where people seem to only feel good about themselves when they can put as many lables onto themselves as possible.
          If its not sexuality, and gender, then it is Religion, or politics or, sports or – to start ’em small- schools. Its even in fandoms, or subcultures.
          its always “Us vs. Them”. doesn’t matter what the lable, as long as i have a group around me that i can identify with.

          • PL-LT Commonwealth

            Yeah. I’m essentially evidence against your postulate. I use labels (mainly about myself) frequently but I don’t think in terms of “Us vs Them”. To me, labels are an efficient way of describing our relationship to the rest of society as well as our individual identity in relation to others.