I’m outing myself with this one. This took place back in the before times when people could be jammed together with no worry about deadly pandemics. I have the joy of being both a rather busty woman, and a very clumsy woman. Not the best combination. When I was in summer camp when I was twelve, many people thought I was a pervert and lesbian because I had the big torpedos on my chest that kept bumping into people. (Crowding around the lunch line was the worst.)

Anyways, on to the main story. Years later I’m heading back from an appointment and realize I need to stop at the grocery store. Well, I have a headache, and I’m tired, but I need to eat too. So I suck it up and head in. It’s rush hour. Everyone seems to be shopping. And a ton of deliveries just came, so stockers are everywhere trying to keep up with demand. Just great. I try to keep my head down and quickly get everything I need.

I get to the frozen vegetables. The freezers in this store are large open chest type freezers without lids. You just reach down and grab what you want. Right next to what I need is a young guy stocking. There are so many people around asking him to move would be a pain. And with my head pain, I really don’t feel like talking to anyone. Plus, he’s so busy, I wouldn’t want to disturb him. I watch him for a few seconds and realize that he’s grabbing a handful of stock each time, bending down away from me and taking a few seconds to straighten it. If I time it right, I can reach down and quickly grab what I need without getting in his way. Perfect simple plan right? No…

Right as I reach down, he straightens back up much more quickly than he had before. Because of his angle, he couldn’t even see me. Before either of us realized what was going on the poor guy elbowed me right in the boob. I’ve never seen a man look so horrified so quickly. He probably was expecting me to be a karen b*tch who’d start screaming about sexual assault. Well, now I felt terrible, I’d tried to not bother the man by not asking him to move, and instead I’ve sent him into a panic. I instantly put on my “guilty dog” face and apologize profusely. I’ve also never seen someone go from full-blown panic to total relief so fast. I grabbed my frozen peas and ran away.

Well, lesson-learned don’t try to be a ninja. It doesn’t work. At least for me. And sometimes, deliberately inconveniencing someone a little is much better than accidentally terrorizing someone, even if for only a moment.

About a year after graduating college, I got a job offer through a college friend. My wife and I packed our meager belongings in a rental truck and headed south. My friend knew I would be driving right past the exit to our college. He asked if I could pick up his motorcycle which he had left with someone in town. I agreed. After loading the motorcycle, I filled up the truck’s tank at the town’s one gas station. At the time, I thought “dang, this tank is huge.”

Not long after getting underway, something went “ping” in the engine. I managed to limp the truck to the nearest rental place which happened to be in Indianapolis. The company was quick to replace the truck and their staff had everything moved from old truck to new in an amazingly short amount of time. All in all, I was treated very well. I bet you thought this story would be about them. It’s not.

The rental agent topped up the tank and submitted a gas bill to me. At first I balked. Something was wrong. I told him the tank size. He told me they were all the same size and told me how many gallons. I was a little slow to realize that the agent wasn’t ripping me off… it was the gas station I had used for 3 years in college shorting the amount of gasoline.

Someone might ask how this could go on and why I didn’t notice. It’s illegal with heavy fines to do it. I didn’t notice during college as I was a broke student who almost never filled up. As for anyone else noticing, let’s just put it this way: corrupt small-town cops.

A number of years ago I asked a good friend to donate sperm for me so I could have a child. It took us many tries, enough that I worried it wouldn’t work at all, but eventually it took and my daughter was born. My friend stays involved with me and the child and regularly comes to visit her. I’ve fully explained to her how she was conceived.

Every year my friend and I take my daughter an event sponsored by the college I worked at. The year of this story my daughter was around 4 year’s old, and we had just explained what a wishing fountain was. She begged to throw a penny into the fountain to make a wish.

Friend: “You know a few years ago I made a wish at this fountain with your mommy. Do you know what I wished for?
*daughter shakes her head no*
Friend: I wished your mommy would get pregnant so I would have a wonderful girl to visit and play with, and then my wish came true and you were born! Best wish ever.
*Friend give’s my daughter a big hug*
Daughter: “Does That mean my wish will come true?”
Me: “I guess that depends on what you wished for”
Daughter: “I wished for a Unicorn!”

Now I have a policy of being completely honest with my daughter, so she will always trust me to give honest information when she is older. I know you may consider it to be ruining her fun, but not saying something would have been breaking my promise of honesty with her so I spoke up.

Me: “Well [daughter] you know I told you before that unicorns aren’t real, so it’s not possible to have one.”
Daughter (sounding mildly upset): No fair, why does [friend] wish come true but mine wont?”
Friend: “It’s okay to make a wish, but just wishing for something alone doesn’t make it happen. If you really want something sometimes you have to work to make it happen. You were important to us so your mom and I worked hard for a very long time to have you, because we knew you would be worth it!

This seemed to appease my daughter some, but I couldn’t turn down a moment for some good natured teasing.

Me: “What’s this about her mom and you working hard? I’m pretty sure I was the one doing all the hard work.”
Friend: “I’m pretty sure my part in the process literally required me to be working ‘Hard’.”

I am a volunteer vaccination steward, and I am back at a site for an afternoon shift that I was at a few days before. The vaccinations are given in Dilbert-style cubicles called pods. The last time I was there, pod one was used for admin. Today I *think* I was told it was open for vaccinations, but I wasn’t sure. To confirm, when the next patient arrives I poke to my head into the pod to see if they are vaccinating and ready to take in the next person.

Me: Are you looking for someone to vaccinate?
Vaccinator: *awkwardly* That’s not really up to us. You would need to speak to [clinical lead] about that.
I am confused for a few moments, because they don’t need to talk to the matron before each vaccination, and suddenly a lightbulb goes off
Me: No!!! I wasn’t offering to vaccinate, I just wanted to know if you were ready for the next patient!

Though the site does have some trained volunteers that vaccinate, they have their own uniform. I am not wearing that. The story is sweet because even though they must have thought I was some kind of looney, thinking I could start jabbing people without any training, they were really gentle and polite to me about it.

I work as the office manager for the local Fire Department. One my responsibilities is to answer the phones. This call comes in before I had enough coffee.
Caller: I need to talk to someone about a fire question.
Me: Can you please explain a little to me so I know who to direct the call to?
Caller: My friend died in a fire in Michigan. I know you are in Illinois, but I need you to come here and redo the investigation. I pay your salary and I don’t like how the fire investigation was done. It says there was no smoke in her lungs so she was already dead when the fire happened. She was killed by the fire. You need to state that.
Me: *unable to speak due shock* Let me transfer you to our fire investigation department.