(We are having a political discussion at dinner. Note that while the rest of the family is liberal, my brother is pretty conservative)
Dad: Who’s Mitch McConnell again?
Me: Minority Leader of the Senate.
Mom: Yeah. Super conservative.
Brother: He’s got an Asian wife, so he can’t be THAT conservative.
Mom: What, his mail order bride?
Brother: Oh, c’mon, she’s not THAT young.
At sundown, around 7:00, we get a huge rush through counter and drive-through. Since the entire day was dead, everyone was sent home except two assistant managers, and myself, as a cashier. The line is going out the door and drive-through isn’t as good.
After serving some friends of mine, a large man cuts to the front of the line.
Me: “Welcome to Arby’s, how can-”
Customer: “Yeah I ordered my food in the drive-through but it’s taking forever, so I’m going to pay here and pick it up.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, we would have to ring up a new order, and there is a wait on-”
Customer: (Yelling) “I’ve already ordered so you don’t need to make a new one! Just find my order and give me my food!
Me: “Sir, I’m not able to do that on this-”
Customer: “Fine, ring up my new order. You’re wasting years of my life right now.”
(My friend is listening to all of this and turns to him)
Friend: “Hey, back off. It’s super busy and those guys are busting their asses off.”
Customer: “I don’t care, it’s fast food, I have a nephew-”
Friend: “I have a nephew too, and he could kick BOTH of your asses.”
(My manager runs over with his order and gives it to the customer)
Customer: (Grumbling) “Wasting my life, damn kids.”
Me: (To friend) “Thank you…”
Everyone that witnessed this exchange is SUPER polite to me during their order, understanding of the wait, thanks me profusely for the job I am doing, and rings the “Good Service” bell as they leave.
(We’ve just started Year 9 and we’ve got this really awesome geography teacher. She’s new, but has the ability to make the class laugh so hard. This happens on a Friday afternoon, second-to-last lesson.)
Teacher: Let’s start talking about development indicators!
*Class start murmuring*
Teacher: My great great grandmother was the 5th of 12 children. My great great great grandmother thought that the others would die because of illness so she just had spare children. They all lived and she ended up having 12 kids.
Student #1: That’s so mean.
Student #2: That’s cheap labour!
Whole class: Yeah!
Teacher: My great great grandmother didn’t want to have many children as she had 11 siblings so she had the one child who survived!
Student #1: I’m confused with all the greats.
Student #3: Me too.
(As [Teacher] explains again, I face-palm. Then…)
Student #4: How many aunties have you got?
Teacher: 3, why?
Student #4: How many brothers and sisters?
Teacher: Ok guys, we’re meant to be learning geography, not the [Teacher] family tree!
(The class explodes into laughter. We quickly get into the next activity. The kicker? We’d only just started the first proper task when [Head of Geography] came in to assess [Teacher]’s teaching. It certainly made the class feel better, as we had two tests on our last lesson of the week!!!)
(A colonoscopy is a medical procedure where a doctor examines the patient’s intestines with a small camera. But, of course, medical suffixes can be easily mixed up if you aren’t intimately familiar with them.)
My sister has just gotten in an argument with our father, in which he became verbally aggressive. Later, she is talking with our mother about it.
Mom:Well, I got him back for it. I scheduled him for a colonoscopy.
Sister: (horrified) Don’t you think that’s…kind of harsh!
Mom:Oh, the doctor’s been on him to get one for a while. It was time anyway.
Sister: But…he yells at me, so you have his colon removed??!!
Mom: (laughs) Yeah, and next time it’ll be a lung!
I used to have to walk to work past a girls’ school whose pupils were, er, “notorious”. As a young-middle-aged male this could be a trial. This is one of the times:
Schoolgirl (in far too much makeup, with a flirty look in her eye and voice): Excuse me, have you got the time?
Me (putting on a cross voice): No I haven’t, it’s half past eight!
