The Perfectly Worst Customer

This customer’s card isn’t being read by our machine. I try to talk him through it so that he can go on. I make some comment about making a perfect swipe. The customer makes an over-the-top flamboyant swipe.

Customer: “Is that the definition of ‘perfect’?”

The card is still not registering because he’s not following directions, and I’m just distracted enough not to recognize my instincts telling me to proceed with caution.

I try to dry-humoredly use the correct directions as my “definition of perfect”, but this customer is “The Intellectual” — the special brand of a**hole who is only happy when he can flout his intelligence as superior to yours.

He makes an even more over-the-top flamboyant swipe with a sly smile.

Customer: “Is that the definition of ‘perfect’?”

He’s still not following directions, and I now KNOW he will not follow directions until I admit I have made a mistake.

Me: “Of course, that’s not the actual definition of perfect. Here, let me enter your card manually and you can be on your way.”

Customer: “I’ve got this, since you know the definition of ‘perfect’.”

Now he’s sliding the card too slowly so it doesn’t read correctly and therefore doesn’t go through.

Customer: “Are you sure this is the definition of ‘perfect’?”

A regular was in line behind him and easily recognized that he was swiping too slow. She coached him, and now, he wasn’t smiling. He realized he couldn’t use “American Customer Service” to his advantage anymore as people lined up behind him; I couldn’t demand that he hurry the f*** up and figure it out, but they could.

Wouldn’t you know it? He slid his card quickly and it went through.