(I am out picking up food for clients who are coming in for a meeting later that day. My boss comes with me to tell me what to get.)

Me: “Okay, we’ve got cheese, crackers, wine… what else do we need?”

Boss: “Look at this ice cream! It’s the best. You have to try it!”

Me: “No, that’s okay. I don’t want any.”

Boss: “Go on, get some! I’ll just charge it to the clients. No one has to know.”

Me: “What? No, don’t do that!”

Boss: “Well, you’re just f***ing BORING then!”

(My two coworkers have been dating a few years.)

Guy Coworker: “Appreciating coffee is one of the three best things I’ve gotten since working here.”

(The girlfriend looks up and smiles.)

Guy Coworker: “But number one is definitely health insurance!”

(Almost 10 years ago, I applied for a summer job at the company my uncle was working at. I got a job in the IT department reseting passwords, installing new computers, changing printer cartridges, etc. One day, my boss comes to me.)

Boss: “Hey, I got a top priority task for you. Mr. [Head of the Marketing] asked for a new printer two weeks ago. Here it is. Go now, because I told him this early morning someone will come before 12:00, and it’s already past 11:30.”

Me: “Okay, I’m leaving now.”

Boss: “Hey, be careful. He is an awful little b****. Be super nice and polite.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be cautious.”

(I take the cart to the elevators, find his cubicle, and knock on the door.)

Head of Marketing: “YEAH, WHAT?!”

Me: “Hello, sir. I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m here to set up your new printer. I’ll—”

Head of Marketing: “It’s about time! I ordered that two months ago! You took your time, didn’t you?”

Me: “Sir, I was given this task ten minutes ago. It’ll take five to ten minutes to install it.”

Head of Marketing: “Fine ! I’ll have to go to the front desk. When I’ll be back, I want this printer ready.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(After leaving for 10 minutes, he comes back.)

Head of Marketing: “So, is it done yet?”

Me: “Yes, sir. It’s plugged and I just finished to install the driver. I just need two minutes to check everything is okay, print one page or two, and it’ll—”

Head of Marketing: “No time for that. I have to leave right now and lock my doors. So, take your stuff and leave.”

Me: “Okay, sir. If you have any problems or questions about your new printer, call us and we will—”

Head of Marketing: “Yeah, sure thing.”

Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

Head of Marketing: *says nothing*

(Later, around 2 pm, the phone rings.)

My Boss: “[My Boss Name], IT service. How can I help you?”

Head of Marketing: “I’d like to talk to the little brat who installed my new printer with his feet this morning.”

My Boss: “He is right here with me. What’s the problem, sir?”

Head of Marketing: “Oh yeah? You’d better send him back at once. I have a meeting in ten minutes. I need to print material and nothing works, AS USUAL!”

My Boss: “Okay, he’s coming right now.”

Head of Marketing: *click*

My Boss: *to me* “What the f*** did you do? I told you to be extra cautious!”

Me: “I don’t know, boss. I installed everything. It’s the 4th printer I’ve installed and nothing went wrong before. But he didn’t let me test the printer before I left.”

My Boss: “D***! Go back and fix it!”

(I head back to the Head of Marketing’s cubicle to find him clicking angrily with his mouse.)

Head of Marketing: “Oh, you! “Come here! You see?” *clicks “Print”* “…AND NOTHING! What was the point of changing my old printer?! It was working fine. These new fancy printer never work!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll check what’s wrong with it right now.”

Head of Marketing: “You have three minutes. I’ll be right back!”

(I launch the diagnostic app installed with the drivers: nothing wrong. I try printing a test page: nothing. Then, just in case, I open the paper tray… bingo! Quite pissed off by this guy, I leave his cubicle to find him in the hallway, chatting with people.)

Me: “Sir, I found the problem!”

Head of Marketing: “What did you do?”

Me: “Sir, next time you want to print something on paper, just load paper in your printer. Have a good day, sir.”

Head of Marketing: *blushes*

(The Head of Marketing calls back at the end of the day to complain to my boss. He tells him he didn’t really need a new printer, and tells him I did everything wrong. Angrily, my boss hangs up.)

My Boss: “THAT AWFUL LITTLE B****!”

(Our boss has tasked us with asking customers to sign up for reward cards. If we do, the one who gets the most to sign-ups gets a prize. I don’t care if I win, so I decide to ask only if I feel like it. However, my other coworkers are very competitive.)

Customer: “Can I make my payment, please?”

Me: “Of course you may.” *gives total* “Thank you very much. Would you like to sign up for this?” *explains reward card*

Customer: “Uh, sure! Of course!”

Me: “Great!”

Aggressive Coworker: *to me* “What the H*** is going on here?!”

Me: “This lady is just signing up for the rewards program.”

Aggressive Coworker: “Bulls***! I spent THIRTY MINUTES helping her out, and YOU get the rewards! That’s CRAP!”

(Other coworkers and customers turn to stare. Meanwhile, the customer I’ve helped is clearly uncomfortable with my coworker, and is hurriedly trying to fill out the rewards form.)

Me: “Uh well, all you had to do was ask her, you know.”

Aggressive Coworker: “Doesn’t matter! I think I should get counted for this signup instead of you, because I spent so much time with her!”

(My aggressive coworker SLAPS the customer with back of the hand on her arm.)

Aggressive Coworker: “Didn’t I, lady?!”

Customer: “….Sure.”

(My customer finishes, throws the form at me, and practically runs out the door.)

Aggressive Coworker: “See! So, gimme what I earned! Or ELSE!”

(I decide to just let my coworker have it so she doesn’t continue scaring everyone. Later, I complain to the manager about her behavior, but I get blamed for starting a fight. I promptly quit. Much later, I ran into the aggressive coworker in the supermarket. Turns out, she been fired for being caught watching adult movies on the company’s computer!)

(My boyfriend and I are huge science geeks. We are texting as I wait for him to pick me up.)

Boyfriend: “So, I have a serious and science-y question for you.”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Boyfriend: “Tungsten Iodine Lithium Lithium-Yttrium Oxygen Uranium-Magnesium Gold Radon Radon Yttrium- Magnesium Erbium.”

(He does this as a joke a lot, so I start decoding.)

Me: “Okay, this makes no sense, but is it: Wilili You Mgaurnrny Me?”

Boyfriend: “I forgot to tell you that its first letter only.”

(I start decoding again.)

Me: “Makes some sense, so is it: Till You Mgrry Me?”

Boyfriend: “I meant the symbol, sorry.”

(I start decoding again and I see him start to drive up the driveway. When I finish decoding I start crying. My boyfriend comes out of the car and reads his message he sent me.)

Boyfriend: “Will You Marry Me?”

Me: “Yes!”

Related:
Chemically Imbalanced, Part 4
Chemically Imbalanced, Part 3
Chemically Imbalanced, Part 2
Chemically Imbalanced