(One day, two of my coworkers arrive late.)

Boss: “I am getting really sick of you two being late. This isn’t even the first time that this has happened!”

Coworkers: “We’re sorry.”

Boss: “Not good enough. I really need to punish you two this time.” *ponders* “Okay. Bring a dozen and a half donuts for tomorrow morning’s staff meeting!”

(The next day, [Coworker #1] arrives early with a dozen and a half donuts.)

Boss: “Good job [Coworker #1], nice to see you’ve smartened up. But where the h*** is [Coworker #2]!?”

([Coworker #2] eventually arrives, but 20 minutes late.)

Boss: “And just what do you think you’re doing, young man!?”

Coworker #2: “Sorry, sir. I was on my way to work, but then I forgot about the donuts.”

([Coworker #2] is holding a box of donuts. They’re not from the same shop as Coworker #1’s donuts.)

Boss: “Oh, for the love of– I told you guys to bring a dozen and a half donuts! I never told you to bring a dozen and a half each! We have three dozen donuts now! If you listened to me, we wouldn’t have so many donuts, and you wouldn’t be late!”

Coworker #2: “Um, can I redeem these donuts for some job security?”

Boss: *sighs* “All right, fine.”

(Unfortunately, [Coworker #2] didn’t learn his lesson. Surprisingly, he hasn’t been fired yet. Almost every week is a donut party now!)

(I have worked for this company for a little over 7 months. In that time, I have worked been a very good employee, working whenever asked, going above and beyond in my duties, helping others out. I enjoy my job and frequently tell people how much I enjoy it and working in general. I have been very thankful for my job because I was previously unemployed for 2 years and this was the first job I had found related to my line of work.)

Boss: “I need to see you in my office before you leave.”

(Note: Quitting time is 3:30 and it is 3:28. Most everyone is already headed out the door to start their cars.)

Me: “What’s up?”

Boss: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but HR emailed me this morning and you have met the max amount of hours you can work this year. You can only work through the end of the day on Monday.”

Me: “…Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

Boss: “You will not be scheduled to work anymore after Monday. You’ve met the cap on hours.”

Me: “What cap? I don’t understand. Am I being fired?”

Boss: “No, no! You can work with us again after your year is up.”

(Note: My year won’t be up for awhile–almost five months from now.)

Me: “So, I’m pretty much being fired then, but without being fired? So I can’t apply for unemployment?”

Boss: “Yup!”

Me: “I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong?”

Boss: “No, not at all. In fact, you are one of my best workers. It’s a shame to see you go. But you can come back in five months.”

Me: “Let me understand this. I am a good worker?”

Boss: *nods yes*

Me: “You enjoy having me in the office?”

Boss: *nods yes*

Me: “Without me, you’ll have to hire someone else to do the job I’ve been doing for the past 7 months?”

Boss: *nods yes*

Me: “So pretty much, this new person will get paid for 3 weeks of being completely useless, making someone else have to do their job and my job, while this person is in training…”

Boss: *nods yes*

Me: “…because a contract clause says I can only work so many hours in a year?”

Boss: “So you DO understand!”

(I walk out of the office dazed, confused, and panicked about being unemployed again. I run into my coworker.)

Coworker: “What did you get in trouble for?”

Me: “Nothing. I can’t work anymore after Monday.”

Coworker: “Oooh, you must have hit the cap. That sucks.” *walks away*

Me: “What cap?!”

(I am divorced, and wish to remarry. My new fiancé and I are at the register office, declaring our intent to marry. As part of this, we have to answer certain legal questions – including whether my previous marriage ended because of divorce, or because of death.)

Superintendant registrar: *to my fiancé* “And how did [my name]’s previous marriage end?”

Fiancé: “Badly.”

(One day, I hear raised voices coming from my boss’s office. It’s my boss and another manager. Note: both are “macho” guys and let everyone know it.)

My Boss: “…but it makes no sense for her to go back to Edward! He was no good for her!”

Manager: “But Jacob is too manipulative! He’s hidden a lot from her, and I don’t think Bella should be with someone who doesn’t deal straight with her!”

(I ran to my desk so I could have a good, hard laugh at the macho men fighting over Twilight!)

(My family owns a construction company which I work for. One day, I receive a call from someone trying to sell us IT support.)

Caller: “Hi, I would like to speak to your managing director, please.”

Me: “Hi, could I ask what the call is regarding please?”

Caller: “I just need to speak with him. Put me through.”

Me: “I’m afraid that unless I can tell him what the call is regarding, he will not take it.”

Caller: “Look, I don’t need to justify myself to some receptionist. Just tell your managing director that I need to speak to him.”

Me: “Sir, I cannot put your call through unless you tell me who you are and what the call is regarding. I’m sorry, it’s part of my job to screen the calls.”

Caller: “I want to speak to him about his company’s IT support. Now, will you just put me through? This is f***ing ridiculous!”

Me: “Thank you so much for your cooperation, I will put you through to my brother, the managing director, right now.”

Caller: “…Oh. I see… umm, thanks very much.”

(Needless to say, his pitch didn’t go down too well with the boss!)