(I work in a small local library. A patron comes up to the front desk with a mischievous look in his eye. He plunks down a stack of movies.)

Patron: “I didn’t know you guys had stuff like this.”

(Not everyone knows that we lend videos and music, so I start on my standard ‘things you can get from the library’ spiel.)

Patron: “No, man, I know about that! I meant p*rn!”

Me: “Wha?”

Patron: “Like this one, here!”

(He holds up an old VHS.)

Patron: “Penis from Heaven!”

Me: “‘Pennies,'” sir. It’s Pennies from Heaven.”

Patron: “Oh. Well, you can keep it, then.”

(Occasionally customers bring in presents for the staff to show their appreciation. Normally it is cookies or flowers from their yards. Some of the newer staff are still getting used to this generosity. One afternoon in mid-November a woman brings in something different.)

Customer: “Pick one.” *lifts a large, clear garbage bag full of brightly colored knit scarves onto the counter*

Me: “Oh, wow. What is the occasion?”

Customer: “It’s the holidays! I made all of these and I want to share them!”

Me: “Are you sure? That’s very thoughtful! You’re a much more prolific knitter than I am.” *carefully removes a scarf from the bag*

Customer: *quickly moves to my coworker at an adjacent desk* “Here! Pick one! Merry Christmas!”

Coworker: *looks up startled*

(I shrug, smile, and go into the workroom to tell the other staff what is going on.)

Coworker: “Thank you. That’s very sweet.” *gingerly picks a scarf*

(The customer manages to find every staff member in the building and give them a scarf. She leaves immediately afterward.)

Coworker: “So, uh, do you guys all know her? Does she do this every year?”

Me: “I have… never seen that woman before in my life.”

This story is part of our Christmas 2023 roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

25 Funny Stories About Christmas Eve And Customers To Count Down To Midnight To…

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(I am in the middle of a health scare involving my lungs, and my doctor has told me not to use the stairs for more than one flight. I need to be on the fourth floor, so I am waiting for the elevator when a patron storms up to me.)

Patron: “Excuse me! I don’t know if you read the sign, but it clearly says that this elevator is for handicapped people. Not people who are just too lazy to use the stairs.”

Me: “…I beg your pardon?”

Patron: “You need to leave the elevator for the people who really need it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I need the elevator.”

Patron: “That’s bulls***.”

Me: “Look, lady. One of my LUNGS is not functioning right now, and my doctor has told me that I’m not allowed to take the stairs.”

Patron: “Your doctor is too easy on you!”

(I work the main desk in a small college library. It is the beginning of our spring semester, meaning most new students have at least a semester under their belt. A patron is standing by the copy machine with a wad of papers.)

Patron: “Can I scan this?”

Me: “Do you want to scan it or photocopy?”

Patron: “Scan.”

Me: “Okay. Our scanner’s right here. Here’s the program. It’ll take a second to warm up, and then you’re good to go.”

Patron: “And once it’s scanned in, I can print it. Right?”

Me: “Uh, if you’re just going to print it it’s probably faster just to photocopy it.”

Patron: “Oh. Okay.”

(The patron proceeded to have no idea how to operate the copier. I can’t wait until they graduate and teach a classroom of kids!)

(I’m an assistant librarian. We have a section of computers for our patrons to use, located directly next to the children’s section. One day while I’m re-shelving kid’s books, I hear what sounds like people having sex. I turn to look and see an old man sitting at one of the computers watching VERY explicit p*rn.)

Me: “Sir! Excuse me, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to turn that off.”

Old Man: “No! This is a free country!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but not only is that inappropriate content, we’re right next to the children’s section. You don’t want any of them to see that sort of thing. Do you?”

Old Man: “It’s perfectly natural! They should see it! I knew all about this sort of thing when I was their age!”

Me: “…sorry, what!?”

Old Man: “My mother was a w****! I lost my virginity when I was ten! There’s nothing wrong with kids knowing about sex!”

Me: “There are so many things wrong with that statement that I can’t even list them.”

(I ended up having to call the police to remove him because he was making a scene. He was banned from the library, but he still tries to sneak in every few months to watch p*rn on our computers.)