(I work as a library clerk in the computer lab. Over the next couple of nights we have a gentleman come in who is completely computer illiterate. I’ve tried to explain the best I can as how to go about searching online for information, or watching videos. On this particular night he seems to understand the computer a little more.)

Patron: “Excuse me, I need help.”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Patron: “This video won’t load! I’ve been staring at it for the last 30 minutes, and nothing has happened!”

(I take in the problem quickly, and try not to laugh.)

Me: “Sir, you’ve been looking at a picture for the last 30 minutes, not a video.”

(I work as a library clerk in a large computer lab available for patrons. An older lady walks in and needs some assistance with creating an email account.)

Me: Ma’am, it seems that this username is being used by someone else. You’ll have to choose another.”

Patron: “Of course it is; it’s my username.”

Me: “You already have an account with [email site]?”

Patron: “Yes. Why can’t I use my own username?”

Me: “Well if you have an email account, and you forgot your password, I can help you retrieve it.”

Patron: “No, I’ve tried and it wont give me my password.”

Me: “… Okay… Well, if you want to create a new account you’ll have to use a different username.”

Patron: “Why? It’s my username.”

Me: “It’s already taken. You can only use that username once.”

Patron: “Why?”

Me: “Because that’s the way they set it up.”

Patron: “Well, that’s dumb.”

(I am waiting in line at my school library’s help desk. I overhear this conversation between the person at the desk and the girl in front of me.)

Student: “Hi. I’m writing a paper and I need help finding sources.”

Adviser: “Okay. What class are you writing this for?”

Student: “One of my history classes.”

Adviser: “I’ll set up an appointment for you with the library adviser for that department. She’ll be able to help you find plenty of sources for your paper. Let me just fill out this online form. What is your name?”

Student: “[Student].”

Adviser: “And what class is this?”

Student: “[History class].”

Adviser: “Okay, and when is the paper due?”

Student: “Oh, two weeks ago.”

(I’m working at my desk when a teenage boy asks for help at the audio CD section.)

Boy: *pulling out the CD of Aretha Franklin’s greatest hits* “Is this the young Jewish girl who died during World War Two?”

Me: “You mean this middle-aged black lady?”

Boy: “Yeah.”

(I just finished scolding a group of kids at the library for running around, screaming their heads off, knocking dozens of books off of shelves, sitting on chairs they put on the couches, and using bookends as skates.)

Girl: *talking to her friends but pointing at me* “See that really pretty girl over there? She yelled at us!”

(They are forgiven.)