(My cousin sees a commercial for a special documentary ‘My Monkey Baby’, and decides to look it up online to get more information.)

Cousin: “Oh. So the baby’s actually a monkey then.”

Me: “Yeah. What’d you think it’d be? A real baby?”

Cousin: “Yeah! I thought it was going to be one of those awesome specials about kids with birth defects. Like elephantitis. But with monkeys. And babies. I got really excited.”

(I stare blankly.)

Cousin: “I’m a bad person, aren’t I?”

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(My 5-year-old son is doing some word exercises, emphasizing different vowel sounds.)

Son: “Plu-plu-pluto. Pla-pla…”

Me: “Plato?”

Son: “What’s Plato?”

Me: “Plato was a philosopher.”

Son: “Plato was a velociraptor?”

(My family, my boyfriend and I are playing a game in which a certain word has to be guessed by giving clues that do not contain that word. The word is ‘water tower’.)

Me: “Okay, you find this thing in almost all towns, and it contains a vital liquid everyone needs.”

My boyfriend and little sister: *in unison* “A liquor store!”

(My grandma is visiting my mom and me. My dad is changing the sink taps, and this comes into the conversation.)

Grandma: “Yeah, so he’s under the sink changing the taps. I can’t see his head, just his barrel chest and tiny a** and legs.”

Mom: “Yeah, and my son totally wanted to hear that.”

(Some conversation passes, then my grandma is walking out for a cigarette.)

Grandma: “I can’t decide if that’s a fart or s***.”

Me: “You’re just full of things I don’t want to hear today.”

Grandma: “Yeah, and my insides feel really bad.”

Me: “And it continues.”

Grandma: “And I really need to shave my legs. Actually probably the full on wax.”

Me: “Okay, now you’re just f***ing with me.”

Grandma: “No, I’m coitus-ing with you.”

(I’m 8 months pregnant with our first baby. It has not been an easy pregnancy. My husband has been entirely sympathetic to my ailments. I’m trying to stretch out my legs, which has been getting more difficult as I get bigger.)

Me: *whining* “My belly is in the way, d*** it!”

Husband: “Aw, I’m sorry.”

Me: *grumpily* “Well, you should be. You put it there!”