(I’m hanging out with my boyfriend and his friend. His friend is talking about a girl that he’s expressed interest in, and just told us that she is also pregnant.)
Friend: “I don’t know. I’d just feel weird. I don’t want to, like, stab it or something.”
Boyfriend: “Or get her ‘double pregnant’.”
Me: “… I don’t you think you guys know anything about women.”
(I hate sleeping by myself, and my husband knows this. Whenever I ‘threaten’ to make him sleep on the couch, we both know that I don’t mean it. We have two friends over and there is one brownie left.)
Me: “May I have the last brownie?”
Friend: “Sure. Go for it.”
Husband: “But I want the last brownie.”
Me: “You take it and I’ll make you sleep on the couch.”
Husband: “You take it and I’ll sleep on the couch.”
(I hand it over immediately. He laughs and splits it in half.)
Friend: “…what just happened?”
(My fiancé is an emergency room RN who’s been working a lot lately. He works at night so he’s asleep during the day. I realize that one of the breakers for the house tripped during a storm, and I wake him up to ask him a question about it.)
Me: “Hey babe, is the mini-fridge on the breaker? It tripped again, I don’t want it to defrost.”
Fiancé: *asleep* “The doctor will be with you in a moment!”
(We’re cuddling in bed. My boyfriend is French and I’m Swedish. Unfortunately, both of us managed to get really sick. At this point both of us have almost recovered from whatever it was we’ve got.)
Boyfriend: “I just thought of something really sexy.”
Me: “What?”
Boyfriend: “You don’t want to know.”
Me: “Tell me!”
Boyfriend: “Me taking a dump…and it won’t be loose!”
(I glare at him.)
Boyfriend: “Told you that you didn’t want to know!”
Me: “Now you have to compensate me for that picture.”
Boyfriend: “No, I don’t.”
Me: “Yes, you do.”
Boyfriend: “You asked for it! I don’t owe you anything!”
Me: “Yes, you do! Say something pretty about me in French.”
Boyfriend: *with passion* “Merde!”
(My cousin sees a commercial for a special documentary ‘My Monkey Baby’, and decides to look it up online to get more information.)
Cousin: “Oh. So the baby’s actually a monkey then.”
Me: “Yeah. What’d you think it’d be? A real baby?”
Cousin: “Yeah! I thought it was going to be one of those awesome specials about kids with birth defects. Like elephantitis. But with monkeys. And babies. I got really excited.”
(I stare blankly.)
Cousin: “I’m a bad person, aren’t I?”
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