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The Quickest Route To An Argument

| Romantic | December 3, 2011

(My family is getting ready to head to our cousin’s house for Thanksgiving. My parents are planning the route.)

Dad: “So, if we take this route–”

Mom: “Does this even matter? You have the GPS, and whenever I tell you what turn to make, you don’t believe me.”

Dad: “Yes, I do!”

Mom: “No, you don’t. You keep referring to the GPS!”

Dad: “Fine! We’ll just use the GPS tomorrow!”

(He playfully smacks mom with the handful of maps and runs.)

Mom: “You’re going to get it tomorrow in the car!”

Me: “What are you going to do to him?”

Mom: “If and when he asks me what turn to make, I’m just going to tell him ‘recalculating’.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh my god, you’re terrible!”

Mom: “Hey, I love your father. But he’s got to learn that hell hath no fury like an angry woman.”

Don’t Sweat The Sweater

| Romantic | December 2, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are getting ready to go out to dinner. I am putting on a thick knit sweater.)

Boyfriend: “You look beautiful tonight, babe.”

Me: “Thanks, it’s this new sweater. I just love it.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it’s like a really fancy poncho.”

(I turn around and look at him.)

Boyfriend: “I mean in a really good way! And, that it isn’t really a poncho at all! And, I love you!?”

Me: “Did my eyes narrow or something?”

Boyfriend: “Uh huh!”

Don’t Use As An Eyes Breaker

| Romantic | December 2, 2011

(My fiancé is hugging me after coming home from work.)

Him: “You know, sometimes from close up you look like an alien.”

(I give him a quizzical expression.)

Him: “Cause you have, like, three eyes right now.”

Me: “You sure know how to charm a girl.”

Him: “They’re three very pretty eyes!”

I May Be Skittles, But You’re Not Smarties

| Romantic | December 1, 2011

(I’m hanging out with my boyfriend. He suddenly decides I need a nickname.)

Him: “Hey, Skittles!”

Me: “What? You mean me?”

Him: “Yes. You are Skittles.”

Me: “Why did you go with Skittles? I don’t even like Skittles. It makes no sense.”

Him: “What, you don’t like your new name, Skittles?”

Me: “Not really, no.”

Him: *shouting* “Too bad! You is my Skittles!”

(He still calls me Skittles to this day.)

Will You Meow-rry Me

| Romantic | November 30, 2011

(I’ve decided to ask my girlfriend to marry me, and enlisted the help of my younger brother. He’s a glass blower, and has crafted a very special ring box ornament that I can slip the ring inside. While decorating our tree, I’ve slipped it low on the tree. My plan is for her cat to knock it down.)

Girlfriend: “This time of year is so depressing. Should we cancel the paper for the month of December?”

Me: “Well no…there’ll be that s*** on the news, too.”

Girlfriend: *glares at me* “That’s classy.”

(Just as I’d hoped, as my girlfriend and I are talking the cat wanders in and flops on the floor under the tree. It starts batting at the ring box ornament.)

Girlfriend, to the cat: “What’re you doing?! You’ll break it!”

(The ornament falls down, and she picks it up.)

Girlfriend: “Wait…I don’t recognize this one. Where’d it come from?”

Me: *playing dumb* “I dunno.”

(She notices that it has a hinge, and opens the box.)

Girlfriend: “Oh my god…” *turns to stare at me* “You…YOU SNEAKY BASTARD!”

Me: *getting down one one knee* “Well?”

Girlfriend: “I guess this is a good time to tell you I’m pregnant, huh?”

(We’ve now been married for nearly a year, and my little girl is about to have her first Christmas. For some reason, she really loves the cat.)