(My pregnant girlfriend and I are lying in bed, having a relatively deep conversation about our future as a family.)

Girlfriend: “Babe?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Girlfriend: “You’ll love our kid no matter how they turn out, right?”

Me: “Of course! No matter what.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t care if he or she has Down Syndrome, or has ADHD.”

Me: “Me neither. They’ll be perfect nonetheless.”

Girlfriend: “But if that kid doesn’t like Star Wars, they’re out of the house the day they turn 18.”

This story is part of the Love & Star Wars roundup!

Read the next Love & Star Wars roundup story!

Read the Love & Star Wars roundup!

(I am lying in my room, when a huge spider cricket jumps on me. I’m very afraid of bugs. I scream bloody murder, and try to get it off, but it has crawled in my sweatshirt. I tear my sweatshirt off and run upstairs to my parents’ room.)

Me: “Mom, this huge bug just crawled in my shirt in my room! Could you kill it for me?”

Mom: “Oh is that all? I thought you were getting kidnapped!”

Me: “Wait, and you didn’t come and check on me?”

Mom: “Well, I wasn’t sure…”

(I live at home with my parents, as I am a minor. An unknown number keeps on calling me, but I haven’t picked up yet. I tell my dad, and he tells me to give the phone to him the next time the number calls.)

Me: “Dad! The unknown number is calling!”

Dad: “Give it here.”

(My dad puts the phone on speaker.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yes, I am here with the [candidate] political party to inform you of what great benefits could happen in your community if [candidate] is voted a governor.”

Dad: “Okay.”

Caller: “Are the owner of this phone?”

Dad: “No, this is my daughter’s personal cell.”

Caller: “Okay, can you please put your daughter on the phone.”

Dad: “I can’t.”

Caller: “Is she not home? I can call back.”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s not home.”

Caller: “Well, what time would she be back?”

Dad: “About five years.”

Caller: “Five what?”

Dad: “Years. Y-E-A-R-S. Years.”

Caller: “Um.”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s currently in prison serving her sentence. She committed a felony.”

Caller: “Okay?”

Dad: “Yeah, she came home one night covered in blood. Found out she’d been strangling neighborhood cats. Always thought she was nuts.”

Caller: “Would you like to—”

Dad: “Naw. I don’t vote. You see, I believe that government is a big lie, and that we are actually in the Matrix right now. Unless [candidate] thinks the same, I don’t need to hear your speech.”

Caller: “Okay, sir. Could you maybe spread the word about this campaign?”

Dad: “Do you know where I am right now?”

Caller: “My list says that you reside in this [suburb].”

Dad: “I used to. I now live a nudist colony. The people are okay here. I think they’re just jealous that I have a big d***.”

Caller: *click*

(The caller hangs up, and I never hear from them again. I have never strangled a cat, gone to prison, nor does my dad believe that we are in the Matrix, or live in a nudist colony. I’m surprised the caller stayed on for that long!)

(My next-door neighbour is one of those ‘small-man, big-ego’ types. He likes to think that he is in charge of our street. Seeing as we’ve recently moved in, he thinks he can easily get his way with us. We don’t bite. Because of this, he has been harassing my parents for a year now. He has previously kicked our dog, and forced his way into our house to threaten my parents. He constantly tells lies about us to our other neighbours, and has told builders working on his house that they can feel free to park on our driveway and be rude to us. I am at my grandma’s house after school and my dad bursts in. He is in tears.)

Dad: “I was just coming home from work and [neighbour] started making threats at me. I ignored him and he started yelling abuse. Then he forced his way into my car and grabbed me by my collar. He was screaming in my face so I got out, but he followed me and pinned me against the car. His kids were watching! He was doing this in front of his kids! I pushed him off and got back into the car and came here. I don’t know what to do. If I go home, he’ll still be there waiting for me!”

Grandma: “Please call the police!”

Dad: “I can’t! That’s what he wants, and he’ll just get off anyway! He was yelling it in my face, ‘Call the police, you p****! Call the police! They won’t get me! Just try it!’ He was shoving his phone at me, trying to get me to do it.”

(My granddad and uncle leave quietly, and return around half an hour later.)

Granddad: “Don’t worry, son. He won’t bother you any more. Trust me.”

(It turns out they’d gone back to our house to talk to my neighbour. When they got there, he started screaming at them and making threats. When he tried to slam the door on my granddad, he grabbed him by his shirt front, and proceeded to give him the beating he deserved. My 66-year-old, diabetic granddad, who has to take over 20 tablets a day for various health problems, beat the man who has been making my parents’ lives miserable. When one of the neighbour’s friends tries to have a go at my granddad, my uncle beats him off with a single swing. My neighbour calls the police. My uncle is taken into custody by police for assault with a weapon, but is released and given community service. He tells us that it’s worth it. My family gives evidence, but unfortunately the neighbour isn’t arrested as we retaliated. A week or so after the event, my grandma sits down with me to make sure I’m not too traumatised by what happened.)

Grandma: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I don’t know. I hate being at home now; just the knowledge that he’s only next door really scares me.”

Grandma: “Don’t you ever think like that. You know that if he ever tries anything like that again, your granddad and uncle will take care of him. He knows it too. [Uncle] has said it before; he would go to prison if that’s what it’d take to defend us. He’d die to protect you and [little sister]. So don’t let that idiot scare you. This family looks out for each other. That’s what we do.”

(Surprisingly, the neighbour never bothers us again!)

Me: “My parents have just left.”

Boyfriend: “So?”

Me: “We are all alone in the house.”

Boyfriend: “Ooh!”

Me: “So we could go make sandwiches for lunch …or we could go upstairs.”

Boyfriend: ” Which would you prefer?”

Me:” I don’t mind; which would you prefer?”

(We kiss passionately for a bit, before he pulls back and looks at me in a serious fashion.)

Boyfriend: “Actually, I’m pretty hungry, so sandwiches.”