(My next-door neighbour is one of those ‘small-man, big-ego’ types. He likes to think that he is in charge of our street. Seeing as we’ve recently moved in, he thinks he can easily get his way with us. We don’t bite. Because of this, he has been harassing my parents for a year now. He has previously kicked our dog, and forced his way into our house to threaten my parents. He constantly tells lies about us to our other neighbours, and has told builders working on his house that they can feel free to park on our driveway and be rude to us. I am at my grandma’s house after school and my dad bursts in. He is in tears.)

Dad: “I was just coming home from work and [neighbour] started making threats at me. I ignored him and he started yelling abuse. Then he forced his way into my car and grabbed me by my collar. He was screaming in my face so I got out, but he followed me and pinned me against the car. His kids were watching! He was doing this in front of his kids! I pushed him off and got back into the car and came here. I don’t know what to do. If I go home, he’ll still be there waiting for me!”

Grandma: “Please call the police!”

Dad: “I can’t! That’s what he wants, and he’ll just get off anyway! He was yelling it in my face, ‘Call the police, you p****! Call the police! They won’t get me! Just try it!’ He was shoving his phone at me, trying to get me to do it.”

(My granddad and uncle leave quietly, and return around half an hour later.)

Granddad: “Don’t worry, son. He won’t bother you any more. Trust me.”

(It turns out they’d gone back to our house to talk to my neighbour. When they got there, he started screaming at them and making threats. When he tried to slam the door on my granddad, he grabbed him by his shirt front, and proceeded to give him the beating he deserved. My 66-year-old, diabetic granddad, who has to take over 20 tablets a day for various health problems, beat the man who has been making my parents’ lives miserable. When one of the neighbour’s friends tries to have a go at my granddad, my uncle beats him off with a single swing. My neighbour calls the police. My uncle is taken into custody by police for assault with a weapon, but is released and given community service. He tells us that it’s worth it. My family gives evidence, but unfortunately the neighbour isn’t arrested as we retaliated. A week or so after the event, my grandma sits down with me to make sure I’m not too traumatised by what happened.)

Grandma: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I don’t know. I hate being at home now; just the knowledge that he’s only next door really scares me.”

Grandma: “Don’t you ever think like that. You know that if he ever tries anything like that again, your granddad and uncle will take care of him. He knows it too. [Uncle] has said it before; he would go to prison if that’s what it’d take to defend us. He’d die to protect you and [little sister]. So don’t let that idiot scare you. This family looks out for each other. That’s what we do.”

(Surprisingly, the neighbour never bothers us again!)

Me: “My parents have just left.”

Boyfriend: “So?”

Me: “We are all alone in the house.”

Boyfriend: “Ooh!”

Me: “So we could go make sandwiches for lunch …or we could go upstairs.”

Boyfriend: ” Which would you prefer?”

Me:” I don’t mind; which would you prefer?”

(We kiss passionately for a bit, before he pulls back and looks at me in a serious fashion.)

Boyfriend: “Actually, I’m pretty hungry, so sandwiches.”

(My boyfriend is getting ready to go to work, and I’m lying in bed. He always asks for a kiss on his way out.)

Boyfriend: “Gimmie kiss.”

Me: “No! Don’t kiss me!”

Boyfriend: “Why not?”

Me: “Every time you kiss me, you go away. Maybe if you don’t kiss me, you won’t have to go.”

(He makes a ‘you’re killing me with cute’ face, and leans down to hug me.)

Boyfriend: “Aww, kitten! That’s not true. Sometimes I kiss you, and we continue watching TV or whatever.”

(He kisses me, and I look at him wide-eyed and mock-hopefully.)

Me: “Can we watch TV now?”

Boyfriend: “Kitten, you’re breaking my heart!”

(We are watching ‘Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.’ It is just at the beginning of the final battle, when an orc shouts ‘Fire at will!’)

Mom: “If they say fire at Will, but he’s not there, who do they shoot?”

Me: “Legolas. They’re the same guy.”

(My mother pauses for a moment, before laughing hysterically. Legolas is played by Orlando Bloom, who also plays Will Turner in the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ films.)

(My parents have been happily married for over 40 years. We often joke that my dad has had a woman ‘caring’ for him for his entire life, implying that he is inept at doing regular household chores. On this occasion, my mother is out of town for the weekend, when my dad calls me.)

Dad: “Did you know that there’s a difference between dish soap and dishwasher detergent?”

Me: “Uh… yes. One’s liquid and gets used in the sink. The other is powder and goes in the dishwasher.”

Dad: *pause* “Well, at least the kitchen floor is now really clean.”