(My husband is about to walk our dog, and while putting on his boots he finds one of my slippers.)

Husband: “Hey, you left one of your slippers out here.”

Me: “No I didn’t.”

Husband: “It’s right here on my boot.”

(I walk over and peer down at it, then lift first one foot, then the other. The lonely slipper is identical to the slippers I’m presently wearing.)

Me: “Can’t be mine. I’m wearing both slippers.”

Husband: “Where do you think I got it from, thin air?”

Me: “Maybe you’re a wizard.”

Husband: “I think I’d do better things with my time than create single slippers.”

Me: “Maybe you’re a bad wizard.”

(I am at a young age living in our old house with my parents. I’m playing with a toy duck.)

Mom: “Hey [name], what does a duck say?”

Me: *flipping the toy duck over* “Made in China!”

(I’m all dressed up for my high school senior prom, and my dad is giving me a once over.)

Dad: “Alright, you look good. Did you remember what I told you to bring?”

Me: “She’s just a friend, dad. I don’t think something like that would happen.”

Dad: “It’s prom, and I know how you kids are. Just be safe.”

Me: “No its fine, really. I’ll be good, dad.”

(I’m walking out the door towards my car. My dad pops out the second story window.)

Dad: “I don’t want to be a grandfather yet!”

(He throws a large box of Trojan condoms square in my face, which leaves a cut on my cheek. I later arrive at my date’s house.)

Date: “Hey! Oh… what happened to your face?”

Me: “Uhm…”

(I’m a lesbian, and my girlfriend recently decides to tell her parents we’re dating. She decides to do this at a family dinner with me accompanying her.)

Girlfriend: “Mom, I have something to tell you.”

Mother: “Oh! Are you and [me] getting married? We heard Proposition 8 got repealed.”

Girlfriend: *stunned* “You think were getting… you knew I was gay?!”

Brother: “I think everyone in the house has known for at least four years.”

Girlfriend: “How?”

Father: “Sweetie, you weren’t very good at deleting your internet history back in high school.”

(At this point, my girlfriend is bright red and can’t bring herself to speak. I step in, and ask my girlfriend’s brother a question.)

Me: “So how did you find out?”

Brother: “They thought it was my p*rn when they found it.”

(As an added bonus, my girlfriend and I are actually planning to get married now!)

(My husband always chides me about not putting the fresh toilet paper roll on the dispenser. I always reply “It’s against my religion”. One day, I find he’s forgotten to replace the roll.)

Me: “Hey baby, so I see the paper’s not on the dispenser. Getting lazy?”

Husband: “No. I converted.”

This story is part of the Toilet Paper roundup!

Read the next Toilet Paper roundup story!

Read the Toilet Paper roundup!