How To Win The War Against Telemarketers

| Related | August 12, 2013

(I live at home with my parents, as I am a minor. An unknown number keeps on calling me, but I haven’t picked up yet. I tell my dad, and he tells me to give the phone to him the next time the number calls.)

Me: “Dad! The unknown number is calling!”

Dad: “Give it here.”

(My dad puts the phone on speaker.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yes, I am here with the [candidate] political party to inform you of what great benefits could happen in your community if [candidate] is voted a governor.”

Dad: “Okay.”

Caller: “Are the owner of this phone?”

Dad: “No, this is my daughter’s personal cell.”

Caller: “Okay, can you please put your daughter on the phone.”

Dad: “I can’t.”

Caller: “Is she not home? I can call back.”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s not home.”

Caller: “Well, what time would she be back?”

Dad: “About five years.”

Caller: “Five what?”

Dad: “Years. Y-E-A-R-S. Years.”

Caller: “Um.”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s currently in prison serving her sentence. She committed a felony.”

Caller: “Okay?”

Dad: “Yeah, she came home one night covered in blood. Found out she’d been strangling neighborhood cats. Always thought she was nuts.”

Caller: “Would you like to—”

Dad: “Naw. I don’t vote. You see, I believe that government is a big lie, and that we are actually in the Matrix right now. Unless [candidate] thinks the same, I don’t need to hear your speech.”

Caller: “Okay, sir. Could you maybe spread the word about this campaign?”

Dad: “Do you know where I am right now?”

Caller: “My list says that you reside in this [suburb].”

Dad: “I used to. I now live a nudist colony. The people are okay here. I think they’re just jealous that I have a big d***.”

Caller: *click*

(The caller hangs up, and I never hear from them again. I have never strangled a cat, gone to prison, nor does my dad believe that we are in the Matrix, or live in a nudist colony. I’m surprised the caller stayed on for that long!)

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