(I am leaving the next day for a two and a half week trip to Ireland with my family. My partner and I, both male, are cuddling in bed. We are both gamer geeks, and have recently gotten into a new game.)

Boyfriend: “We need to get up and go for dinner early. I wanna get back here and play [game].”

Me: “Really? It’s my last night here before you don’t see me for over two weeks, and you want to spend the evening playing [game]?”

Boyfriend: “Don’t you?”

Me: “…yes.”

(I am debating getting a class ring, and discussing my options with my mom. My parents agree to pay for half.)

Mom: “Are you going to go with gold?”

Me: “No, I really don’t care for gold.”

Dad: “Good girl!”

Me: “Yeah, platinum is much better, dad!”

Dad: “…Nevermind.”

(I am feeling around inside the dryer.)

Me: “D*** it!” *kicks dryer* “Give back my socks!”

Sister: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m trying to find a missing pair of socks.”

Sister: “You’re sure you washed them?”

Me: “Yes, I washed all of my laundry. I think it’s hoarding my socks so that it can free all the House Elves.”

Sister: “Really?”

Me: “Yes. It’s a noble thing to do, but I’d rather have my socks back.”

Girlfriend: “Why do you always have to win every single argument?”

Me: “I really don’t. I only win the ones where I’m right.”

Girlfriend: “That’s the other thing. Why do you always have to be right?”

Me: “I’m not! I’m—wait, I’m just proving your point now, aren’t I?”

(My husband has the maturity of a 12-year-old boy when it comes to bodily functions. One day, I use this to my advantage while he’s napping.)

Me: “Babe, I have a very serious marriage question to ask you.”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “If I unknowingly clogged a toilet, would you unclog it—”

Husband: “H*** NO!”

Me: “I thought so. Go unclog the deuce you left in the toilet so I can go pee.”

Husband: *getting out of bed* “You tricked me!”